Please help me

[achilles]

edited

[LilyITV]

 

Achilles I am so sorry you are going through this.  Your ex sounds like a horrible person.  No one deserves this kind of treatment. 

It is so hard to break free from relationships started when we're young.  Be patient with yourself.   You were able to physically leave him for two months, but getting rid of the emotional chains is much much harder.  One day you will be free of this man.  You are much stronger than you know.

The good thing is you recognize that you suffer from C-PTSD and how your past trauma has affected you.  Do you have a therapist?   It would be great to have someone who understands C-PTSD who can guide you through this.  That might make all the difference this time around.  Or do you have friends who know about the nature of your relationship.  Oftentimes, relationships like this can leave you isolated from the rest of humanity, which is part of why it's so hard to break free.

Your ex sounds like my ex.  I met him when I was 20 and it took me 13 years before I was able to leave him.  I left him briefly after 10 years, and then got sucked into his web again.   The abuse the second time around was soul crushing and I can't even type here what he did to me.  But I got stronger, and the second time I left I was able to leave him for good.  It's really hard to get to that point but I have no doubt that you will.  The fact that you are even on this board shows that deep down, you know you want better. 

One interesting point, once I broke off from my ex, after a few months, he was the one contacting me.  Even though it's been over 10 years since I last spoke to him, he still reaches out to me every so often.  I remember feeling just like you--feeling like my very existence depended upon being able to have access to this man.  But then to have him be the one groveling was such an empowering feeling.  Abusers are truly pathetic people.   It's weird but in my mind the only way you can get what you want from them is to cut off contact from them completely.  And then you realize you don't want it. 

[achilles]

edited

[LilyITV]

    Well we are here for you and there's so much information and self-help you can do on your own, so while it's incredibly beneficial to be able to undergo therapy, you can still get to where you need to be without it if therapy is not an option.  Also, you don't have to go no contact with this guy if you're not ready to, so try not to beat yourself up over it.  You've been with this guy your whole adult life after a childhood of trauma so it's only understandable that those ties are strong. 

I think it's okay to feel weak and powerless right now.  A very important relationship has ended, and you need time to mourn that loss.  The loss is still fresh so it's going to be intense, but who knows, in time with the work and self help you're doing, maybe you'll be able to slowly pull yourself out of the pit of despair. 

I'm kind of afraid of saying the wrong thing to you or being overly simplistic because I am just speaking from personal experience.  I wasn't in therapy back then either so I am not sure if what I'm saying is helpful.  I remember feeling very ashamed of my need to stay with my ex and every time I'd hear someone talk about relationships and leaving bad relationships, I really felt afraid because I couldn't bear the thought.   For me, it was just the knowledge that if I stayed with my ex, I'd have to give up my dreams of being a parent and that was enough of a spark for me to get me to think about leaving--really leaving and not just separating.  Nothing else anyone said was enough to get me to go.  It all came from me.   

Reading what you've wrote here, you really don't sound very happy.  Anyone who's been in a bad relationship knows how tormenting it is when you miserable, you know you're miserable, but you don't feel leaving is an option.