Intro post

[NewLife]

Hello everyone!

Thank you for having me on the forum. I'm really happy to find something like this. I am on another group but have trouble feeling safe speaking openly there.

I am 46 and within the past couple of years woke up to the fact that I was physically abused by my sibling throughout my entire childhood. I am not in therapy though I have had alot of it prior to figuring this out. Somehow not a single one of my therapists ever focused on my abuse history or thought to clue me into why I am...how I am. Nobody else called it abuse and I was ridiculed and blamed for my abuse by my family so I myself never thought of it as abuse. Child abuse was something terrible that happened to other people. So life has pretty much been a long succession of traumas and living in suvivor mode going from one bad situation to the next. I was even in a domestic abuse relationship for 3 years and never connected the dots. Anyway I am figuring this all out now. For the past year scenes from my entire life played out all over again in my head, only this time with the knowledge of WHY things were the way the were. I became concious of being a magnet for abuse and suddenly saw it all around me everywhere. The simplest interactions. Things have clamed down a bit now. I want to move forward in my recovery and beyond my abuse.

Thanks for reading, I am looking forward to talking to you all and hopefully gleaning some of what others have learned along the way.

[Three Roses]

Hey there! I'm sorry you went thru such a rough time, and that your pain was so minimized. Prior to me joining this forum and reading the posts here, I didn't know that there were others like me.

Please know there's no judgment here, you're entirely welcome here, and chances are if you post something, it will be something that someone else has experience with and/or insight into. Thanks for joining and posting.

[woodsgnome]

 

Elsewhere I've written about feeling that the key to finding motivation starts when we shed the stories 'out there' about us and realize what our own inner heart story is telling us. So kudos on finding that little secret that's apparently been gnawing at you for many years. Too bad the therapy didn't catch that, but sometimes therapists, for whatever reason, seem to miss even the most obvious clues. Yet you recognized you still didn't feel right about this and here you are.

While I just said it's the inner game that counts, it's not the only one by any means. Next comes support. That's where OOTS can help out. It's not 100% perfect,l, given that for safety we're anonymous posters, but maybe that's actually an advantage sometimes. It's challenging to make connections this way, but well worth it, I've found.

Many times I've despaired of having any hope about any of this constant turmoil, only to come here and find that okay, someone else has been put in a similar situation to what's bugging me and this is how they dealt with it.

I hope that you, too, can find some inner peace by your participation here.

[NewLife]

Thank you for your kind, insightful, warm and welcoming words Woodsgnome and Threeroses. Yes I am glad this is anonymous. I daily become more free in regards to my own thought and action away from what others think or what I have been programmed to think of myself. But to somehow build (yet another) life, to figure out what I want from it and who is safe to let into it, to change my patterns, seems insurmountable sometimes. I sure could use an ear or two and some gentle guidance from those who have walked where I am going.

[Three Roses]

*Trigger Warning for physical violence*

Somehow not a single one of my therapists ever focused on my abuse history or thought to clue me into why I am...how I am.

I will tell you about an acquaintance of mine. I'll call her D. She entered therapy without fully remembering her past. During one session, her therapist told her she had been abused. This was not something that had occurred to D before. But as the therapist spoke more, D became very upset and lost control of her emotions. She absolutely wrecked that therapist's office, tearing pictures from the wall, wiping the desk clear of everything that sat on it, overturning furniture.... Security had to be called. She wasn't ready to look at it but the therapist had forced her to.

Years later, after she and I met, I drove her to an appointment at the same office but with a different therapist. That's how I learned that this had happened in the past because the therapist came out to escort her into the same office where that had occurred, years prior, and prepared her for walking into that room. Later, D told me what it had all been about, because it was worded in such a way that D would know what was being referred to but probably no one else.

It can be extremely damaging to be confronted with knowledge about your past if you're not ready. I had a similar experience with some memories that I forced myself to remember without the benefit of a caring T. Without the damage, but it was extremely painful and re-traumatizing. So that's just one idea why you were never told.

I always quit therapy before anyone could get any deeper than surface level - as soon as things got deeper, I was gone.

This is why I'm a broken record about going at your own pace. Confronting something you're not ready for is like taking a cast off a broken leg before it's healed and expecting to be able to walk normally.

I'm glad you're here. 

[Kizzie]

Just wanted to welcome you to OOTS NewLife, glad you found your way here 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Welcome new life ...
Like you i am mid forties (life begins
And woke up to what happened more.
Best wishes to u for being on the forum.
I have found and find here so supportive, i formative and safe