Depression tantrums?

[plantsandworms]

I have these things I call my "depression tantrums." I call them that because usually when these fits of extreme depression happen they almost seem to be directed at a specific person in my life. They usually happen when I am interested in someone romantically and become increasingly close/vulnerable with them, and then they ultimately do not return my affections. I go through this phase of "Fine, I don't need the affections of someone who isn't enthusiastic about me" and then "Ugh I feel absolutely humiliated that I was vulnerable with this person who doesn't feel the same way about me" and then "God I am so incredibly alone and starved for love in this world and I think I'm going to die this way." It's not something I feel in control of, and by that I mean I am not actively feigning my depression in order manipulate, but when it's happening I find myself hoping the person I am interested in will notice my pain and suddenly love me they way I'd hoped and want to take care of me.

Like many on these boards, I was horribly neglected as a child - I feel like these tantrums are my inner child demanding to be cared for by the ones I love and feeling re-abandoned when the ones I love in adulthood don't love me back. Outside of these tantrums I am extremely self sufficient and somewhat distant with others - so I also feel like I have all these hopes and dreams of being cared for one day instead of having to always be strong and care for myself even before I was ready and when I start to like someone it's like a dam breaks and I just want them to be in the driver's seat of my life for a while while I pick up all my pieces. It's pretty humiliating and pathetic feeling to admit that I feel this way, or that I put these kinds of pressures and expectations on others, or that I'm being this subconsciously controlling toward people I want to love me, but just now is the first time I was ever able to articulate this cycle to myself and I felt the need to write it down and share it with people who might be able to help me make sense of it.

[woodsgnome]

I've just been in one of these sorts of 'depression tantrum' cycles as well. I also feel near total rejection/neglect from someone who seemed so trustworthy and yes, safe to feel out per some huge mutual interests. It's also cycled like this for some time, as if my hope meter doesn't know when to shut down.

I'm slowly learning to bail out of the self-blame game, but not sure how I'm doing. My T has helped enormously; still there's always some slippage and soon I find myself repeating the whole cycle -- from reaching out, hoping, trusting, then slowly seeing yet another door shut on what I thought was different this time. Sadily, I sense my T is right in staying with me on this, but I also seem to have a blockage at turning the final corner in learning that trust and love are even possible for me. It always seems like one of those things that happens to others, that I'll always be this outlier watching other people click.

And of course trust is THE big issue for me. So here I am left wondering, which is probably okay; but every so often that wondering borders on the 'is this even worth it' question. Somehow when I wake up I discover there's another day.

I'm sorry, I realize this probably isn't too helpful. Maybe the most hope is that I can stop hoping altogether, shut off the automatic worry valve, and live knowing that, on the whole, I've really done okay considering the odds that were stacked against me. So while I've 'survived' okay, the 'thrive' part iremains awfully elusive.

[goblinchild]

I have a sort-of hypothesis about being able to accept love and attention after or during isolation, and I'm wondering if it might not apply here too? I hope it's not an intrusion if it doesn't apply!
(TW using hunger as a metaphor)

I feel like hunger and love are similar things. When you're eating regularly and healthy portions there's no problem. The same is with love and attention. If you get a healthy amount of love and attention from a variety of people in your life, as often as you need to feel satisfied then there's no issue. Sure, you might feel lonely for a significant other perhaps but it's normal to want ice cream or pizza every once in a while even with a healthy fulfilling diet, right? But if you're not eating enough, you might be handed a plate that's a normal portion and still be hungry after eating it. If you're starved for affection, no matter how much you care for a single person and regardless of how much love they give in return, it will never be enough to satisfy a life completely starved of it. There's nothing wrong with you or them. It's just that one plate isn't enough to keep someone from starving.
You can't satisfy your need for all the love and attention you should have in your life, or should have had your entire life, with one person. You need a healthy support system of people who give you the care you deserve in your life.

I'm not saying it's an easy thing to accomplish. Some people survive on ramen noodles when they're having rough times, y'know? But you deserve better than ramen noodle relationships forever. This forum and maybe a therapist could help you work towards having a healthy mindset about attention and building a healthy diet of people in your life. (A sentence which was totally not written for vampires, I swear.)