Dissociating and/or freezing at work

[Sandals]

Has anyone hear had challenges at work when dissociating and/or freezing? I'm really struggling with this right now. 

When I can "rise above" it, things are great. My job comes (relatively) easily to me, I'm productive, enjoy the atmosphere, etc. But I've been spending at least half the day frozen and it's catching up to me.

Background: I did take 3 months off (Oct-Jan), came back part-time and am now at full-time. The trigger for this was my ex's infidelity and other antics, but of course everything else surfaced. Some colleagues know that I am now separated. Most colleagues do not know about the rest of the stuff.

Help? Any sharing or strategies for managing through this would be appreciated. 

[no_more_fear]

I don't work but can imagine how hugely difficult it would be to freeze while in that situation and somehow claw my way out of it. I freeze numerous times everyday and the only thing I have found to deal with it is forcing myself out of it and into something else. I know that's not great advise, but it's the only thing I can do, force myself and fight the feeling. I rationalize to myself that it's simply an ingrained coping mechanism and the only way to change it is to fight it until it becomes the old way.

Are you seeing a T? I found talking about things has really me to rationalize more and actively think about my responses. I dissociated there too so I told her about it. It really helped telling her exactly what I was feeling at that moment. Is there anyone in your work you could talk to when you feel this way? I know they don't know about it, but is there anyone you could confide more in?

I'm sorry that my advise is so basic.

for you.

[C.]

Wow.  I had a very similar experience a few years ago.  Unfaithful husband, part-time, then full-time work.  My H also worked at the same company.  Small town gossip mill, ugh...

I found that discerning the co-workers who could be supportive helped me a lot.  I don't know if you have that, but going to someone's office or desk even for 5 mins. just to say "ouch, this hurt" helped.  Also, recognizing my triggers.  I had an unempathetic (possibly NPD?) boss who often triggered me.  Text messages from my H about parenting.  So I tried to minimize the triggers.

Ultimately, I had to change jobs.  The location and shared people relationships were just too triggering for me.

I know that every situation is different, but at the time I felt like I was making such a big deal out of "just" a divorce.  Thousands of people divorce right?  It's more than the majority in the USA now.  But for me the infidelity ripped off the band-aid (trust in my H) that had kept my C-PTSD hidden for 20+ years.  Abandonment was felt on so many levels I didn't even recognize it at the time. 

You sound more aware and like I said, every situation is different.  I guess just knowing that what you're going through is very difficult so hopefully you can find support in the work place and also take care of yourself.  I hope that you can accept the gravity of your experience and honor what you need right now to be healthy.  Whether that is full-time, part-time, new job, no job, whatever it looks like for you.  You come first.  That can be difficult with financial realities, but somehow things seem to work out for the best when you have your wellness at heart.  I think that as you learn how to truly take care of yourself the episodes of freezing/disassociation will be reduced.

I don't know how you feel about medications, but that could be an option.  I decided that a job where I needed an anti-anxiety medication to cope and stay on task meant it was not a healthy environment for me...

So, in summary, recognizing and minimizing triggers at work, talking your work situation over w/your T, medication?, self-care at work when anxiety hits (eg/walking, or maybe use your work cell for calls and work outside the office?), finding a few supportive co-workers, other supportive people, OOTS, and, if possible, reducing your expenses/needs.  I looked for less expensive housing, paid off my car and some bills, etc. so that I could be prepared to survive with less if needed.  Finally, accepting that your work situation my need to change.  Your life has changed.  Your wellness and health need to be first.

[Sandals]

Thanks so much to both of you.

no_more_guilt - your advice is not just basic, and you raise some good questions. Yes, I am seeing a T, who is wonderful. I do sometimes try to push myself out of it, if needed. But I'm also trying to balance that with honouring my body and being mindful about what it is I'm processing and the emotions that go along with it. I've spent so many years numbed and repressed. I really do wish I could have had 3 more months off.

C. - wow, just wow. it feels like your life is very close to a mirror of mine. My ex and I were together for 15 years, and yes, his unfaithfulness ripped the bandage off of everything. Not right away. I lasted about 5 months after and had periods of getting stronger and then sliding back. Eventually the sliding back took over, and I had to take a break.

Text messages from the ex and other stuff he's doing is definitely triggering me. He has anger issues and while I felt absolutely secure that he wouldn't hurt me when we were together, I'm starting to have doubts now. His grand finale was calling 911 on me and trying to press assault charges. Lucky for me, the police convinced him to leave instead. Since then, he's had a few displays of temper around my kids but not around me. I just get the angry, icy glares. He has kicked the gate on my fence and broken the lock. A few years ago, while we were still together, my oldest son (7 or 8 at the time) locked the door to his room, and he broke the door in anger.

Last weekend was the anniversary of me finding some suspicious emails, which was triggering. This week, the hook part on the fence mysteriously went missing, I learned he was in the house during the day (I was at work, the kids were at school) and he's been amping up the glare and doing jerky things like not giving the kids dinner, leaving my oldest (almost 11) at home by himself on his night while he goes shopping with my youngest. I think he's fully realized that he's lost control over me.

I'm slightly open to a change in work, but need my income. I make more than he does and am currently paying for everything on the home and the kids. I engaged with a lawyer back when things were a little crazy, but to be honest, I just didn't have it in me to continue through. Wasn't emotionally ready. I need to re-engage there, but every time I think about it, I panic. It's a trigger for something...maybe losing the one love that I thought I had?

[C.]

I'm so sorry for what your experiencing.  Yep, he called 911 on me too.  Sadly I even had a couple of police officers threaten me when they had not legal recourse to do so, a judge later clarified that to my ex.  But even the police stopped feeling like a safe resource for me.  So, please do protect yourself.  The one mistake I made in hind sight was not seeking out help from a domestic violence organization.  In my situation there was only one instance of something physical, but I waited more than 6 months, so it was not legally relevant.  But many of these organizations can help with free legal advise and emotional support and so much more.  It can be a safe haven for someone w/ C-PTSD.  This is a big and challenging situation for you so seeking out some more support could help a lot.  As we know, emotional abuse, though not viewed in USA courts as "abuse" is real and dangerous.  It sounds like he's escalating so things may continue to get worse and more difficult in terms of his behavior towards you and your children.  I'm not trying to scare you, I just hope that my experience may in some way be of benefit in that you or others can feel validated, prevent more serious situations, and seek out timely supports.  Best to you as you work through this very difficult situation.  Lots of hugs and support on this end 

[Sandals]

C. -- I'm so sorry you had to experience all of that.   And it's awful that the police also threatened you. When all of this happened, I honestly had no idea that men calling 911 on their spouse with false accusations was something that occurred. I had heard the other way around (it's gross that women get painted this way and not men). I researched after and even found a whole book on it. Even though it's something I feel a degree of shame on (trying to let go of that), I try to bring it up so other women are aware. I know I was very lucky in my situation that the police resolved on my side as the law is set up to support the accuser's side without question. Also, I believe that he did not want to be responsible for the children full time which would have been the outcome of following through. I'm on the fence in terms of domestic violence support, but it's definitely something I'll keep in mind. Thank you for sharing.

I noticed I missed replying to a few of your points earlier. You mentioned the feeling that others felt you were making a big deal of "just divorce." Yes, I get that! I had first attributed this to the impact of infidelity vs incompatibility. It took me longer to understand the entity of it and how it goes back much further than that. And the double impact of that is healing from everything plus doing so with an absence of familial support. Once I understood that and could communicate it, my awareness of what's different helped with self-acceptance.

You also mentioned building a support network at work. I have worked on that too and have some trusted people I rely on. That definitely helps. And my T is wonderful with outside appointment contact so I text and email her if I need to. While I wouldn't say my manager is npd, she has been a puzzle through this. She offers support and enquires about me but when I respond, she withdraws. My T has said she will be my teacher and I had a hard time understanding and accepting this, but had a breakthrough yesterday. That's another post, though.

Thanks again for sharing. It helps to know there are others travelling this road.

[C.]

I agree.  Although it's sad, it is so validating to understand that another may have experienced such a similar situation.  Thank you for responding to a couple other of the ideas I'd described.  It sounds like you have more awareness about all of the layers than I did at that point down the road.  Keep up the great work you are doing to take care of yourself. 

Weird about bosses huh?, it's almost like they need the ego of NPD to some degree in order to be on "top" so to speak.   I wonder what your T means about your boss being a teacher?  Sounds interesting.  Thankfully all bosses are not that way.  My current boss is terrific: humble, understanding, empathetic, fair and a leader all at once.

[Sandals]

Thanks, C. I believe I have awareness, but my heart hasn't quite caught up to what I know. It's hard to explain to others when you can articulate the situation clearly but not be able to match it in actions.

Yesterday, I felt this flash of awareness about my manager - a Byron Katie-esque (I noticed you guys discussing her in the ASCA section). My T had showed me some of her stuff a while ago and while I liked the aspect of managing my world view through accountability to myself, I couldn't quite get there in terms of making the challenging stuff more grey vs. black & white...even though I tend to be more of a grey person. I didn't want to have accountability for my emotions as I felt that was shifting the responsibility of what happened to me.

So on Friday, my manager was being a bit bitchy. And I noticed how I had internalized that negative emotion. I was able to flip it and understand it wasn't about me...it was about the things she disliked about herself. This was so freeing. There were false truths I hold about myself that I am working on undoing that were compelling me to absorb it. But the additional awareness helped me to stop that negative energy from attaching to me and instead focus on keeping me stable while also sending her love in her own healing journey.

This is a huge insight for me, as I can see how eventually I can apply it to my ex, my mom, etc. It will take more time to get there, but being able to see it...wow. And now I can see why my manager will be my teacher in all of this. Because she was not part of the deeper traumas, it's easier for me to practice this with her. And when I gain confidence, I can apply to the areas with more complexity and free myself from them. It gives me hope.