Dissociation of some sort?

[Sia]

I'm new here and just realized I was totally unfamiliar with the term dissociation.  I always assumed it was what happens to me during sex.  I don't know what happens to me, can anyone help?  It's like falling asleep, but involuntary.  I fall out of my body down, not up to the ceiling which is the closest I can find.  This is the view from my perspective.  It's like if you were standing on the edge of a pool, but turn around with your back to the water, and jump in.  From underwater you can look up and see the face of someone standing on the edge.  You can still see them but blurry, hear them talking but only noises.  And you keep sinking down as it gets darker, until you're gone.  Waking up is normal. 

[Sia]

I've been seeing a therapist and learned that I probably began disassociating during sleep on the plane to America.  I was adopted and it makes sense knowing the story.  My parents told me I slept through the airport and loud restaurant and 2.5 hours home.  They put me in my crib and I woke up and looked around and didn't stop bawling all night.  I had a recent EMDR session and went back to the womb, found out my mom was with me for 6 days to feed me before leaving me in foster care.  I didn't believe it would work when my therapist wanted to count down from 14 to see how many days before I was left.  At 6 my stomach started growling really loud, I got freezing cold and my right arm went numb.  It's crazy how far back I had to go, I was thinking we'd start with my first relationship.  I was a blackout drunk and started dating just to stop feeling so dirty because of how often I'd wake up not knowing who I'd slept with again.  It was abusive and ended up getting pregnant, which saved my life.  It was the only thing that would've stopped me from drinking until the end.  My daughter is adopted and since my CPTSD diagnosis last year, I haven't been in her life.  I don't know why I stopped seeing her, it is so absolutely depressing and don't know what my problem is.  It's certainly not her fault, she's the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.  I miss her but don't know how to approach this, I know she has contact with her birth father.  It's none of my business to interfere with that relationship and don't know how to make contact or what to do or say.  It breaks my heart, I've just stopped seeing her and this can't continue.  Does anyone have any advice about how to tell her what's going on?  I don't understand my own behavior, it's ridiculous.  All I want is to reestablish our relationship but it's me who cut it off for no reason.  She's 14 and mature enough to handle it, I just don't know how to approach it without involving anything about her birth father. 

[Three Roses]

I wonder if your therapist could help with that? She could perhaps help you write a letter or maybe even facilitate a meeting down the road sometime. Best wishes to you!  you've been down a difficult road.

[Wattlebird]

It certainly sounds like dissociation, when you dissociate you don't have to float on the ceiling like they often describe, I usually am standing nearby myself observing the scene like a bystander but there are many and varied ways and I've read of people falling thru the bed like you have described, it's just removing your consciousness from your body (sort of) and your body sort of goes into auto pilot. Hope that makes sense.
A couple of us are working thru a book about dissociation which I've found more than helpful, details are in the book section of this forum. There's 2 threads for differing versions but have a peak and see. It has dissociation in the title just can't remember exact title atm.

[Sia]

Hey, guess what?!  I found the answer to this, it's the freeze response in polyvagal nerve therory!  Look it up on YouTube.  I can't believe I finally found it:)

[Kizzie]

Hi Sia, glad you feel you have found part of the puzzle.  I would encourage you to talk to your T about the theory, and also about how to communicate with your daughter as it may be that some family therapy would be most helpful in this situation.

Also, the book Wattlebird mentioned is called "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" - I've used it and can recommend it. It might be an idea to let your T know or be involved though as part of the reason we learn to dissociate in the first place is that there are some very difficult things in our pasts.