I dunno who I am - do you?

[LylaMoshi]

I'm a 23 year old woman who - from the outside - appears to have everything together. I've been with my partner for almost 4 years, we live together with our dog, and I recently got promoted to a fulfilling and stimulating job. The problem is that I feel like everyone else is in on a secret that I just can't seem to figure out. I feel isolated and like things are always on a downward slope.

I worked out my childhood wasn't 'normal' when I was about 20. My first counsellor told me, "there is no reason for anyone to raise their voice to you, ever", and honestly that blew my mind. I now realise my mother was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and likely has narcissistic personality disorder or BPD. My father stopped standing up for me when he realised it made his life easier to side with his wife. I've felt what I thought was depression since the age of 11, and a year ago my first therapist suggested I had what she called 'mild PTSD'.

It's been an unnecessarily long journey due to failures of the NHS, complete lack of support from family, and my impressive ability to suppress traumatic memories and emotions, but I stumbled across CPTSD a few weeks ago. Shortly afterwards I experienced what I now know to be an emotional flashback (that was fun!), and I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that this is what's wrong with me.

I'm hoping that by being here I can find people who get it, and can help me work out who I am, because I have no clue 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to you, LylaMoshi! I have to admit, this made me chuckle:

Shortly afterwards I experienced what I now know to be an emotional flashback (that was fun!)

... which reminds me of my own sometimes dark or sarcastic humor. 😉

I still remember feeling thrilled at finding a while community of people who I could connect with! For the longest time I thought I was a one-off. Thanks for joining, I look forward to hearing more from you.


Ps. Oops, forgot to answer your question. No, I don't always know who I am. My sense of self is not predictable.

[Deep Blue]

Welcome! Glad to have you here. 

I am similar to you in that in real life people think I have it all together.  People see what they want and I grew to count on that. 

We have lots of good information here and I have found this community immensely helpful

[Libby183]

Hi.

My answer to your question would be "not really, but it's getting better".

Your childhood sounds similar to mine, as do the enduring feelings, but you are now in a good place to start healing, because you have accepted the problem.

The NHS may have something to offer you, but I would not rely on this. Families seem unlikely to be of any support so, educating yourself, lots of reading around the subject, and talking to people who really understand is a good approach to take.

Welcome to OOTS, and I hope we can support you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Lyla
Thank you so much for sharing
I can relate to much of what your exp has been /is .
Similar parents and trauma . long journey with NHS.

Quote
'The problem is that I feel like everyone else is in on a secret that I just can't seem to figure out. I feel isolated and like things are always on a downward slope'.

Yes for me what i have learnt about cptsd has given me some insight into why i feel socially different , isolated, feelings of shame and scrambling to stay on the ledge.
Pete walker has been a great help in my understanding of what happens to me internally and his book from surviving to thriving is a def recommend. There are also resources of his on the forum.
The disassociation and depersonalisation feelings i have are horrible . what helps me is developing my spirituality as this is a place i can always go to to know who i am . i believe with healing we build ourselves piece by piece until we stand strong and say 'this is who i am '. I see it as i am creating who i am from the ashes and from a person has been floored by this disorder and so with self nurturing and the nurturing of those who care.
I don't know who i am but i know who i am not  and i know im worth more.
Sending you all best wishes for your recovery journey you deserve all of you to enjoy beautiful