tornado

[Not Alone]

Somehow I managed to work a three hour shift today. Inside feels crazy. It is like a tornado and sometimes I am sucked up by the tornado and feel everything at once: not being believed, having to pretend and function, shame, anger, crazy, overwhelmed, deep sadness, self-loathing. . . Then the tornado spits me out and I still feel and see everything flying around me, but don't feel like I am totally loosing my mind. Then I get sucked up by the tornado again. 

I started posting yesterday, but didn't feel worthy of  wasting everyone's time. This is so hard. Does it ever end? The pain feels unbearable.

[Blueberry]

 
notalone, you're definitely not wasting anyone's time by writing on here! You give a lot on here so you can receive too, especially when you're in a bad way! Even if you didn't give, you'd still be worthy of writing on here.   

In fact I've just read a post where you were supporting somebody else! You're worthy of being supported too.

It does get better! The pain becomes a little more bearable, bit by bit. The bouts of pain get shorter. The gaps between bouts of pain get longer.

[MoonBeam]

Notalone, I'm so glad you posted. You deserve care and loving support. You deserve a safe place to rest and a place to catch your breath. A place where you can say exactly how you feel and know you are understood in a way only those of us who have been carried away by the tornado can understand.

It's awful, the intensity of all of the feels and there can be so many sometimes all at once. Too many. Too much to handle. I'm with you. We're with you. I'll carry some of it with you. You don't have to be in this alone. I'm here to breathe with you if you want.

The self-loathing isn't truth. The shame isn't truth. You are brave and strong for showing up. That is truth. You are worthy and lovable--more truth. The spinning will stop. The pain will ease. It is hard and you are working through it. I know this. You've helped me so much. Hang in there and let in all the support and love you can.



Notalone. I wanted to edit because I know the self loathing and shame is so real. It encompasses me often. I in no way wanted to negate what you are feeling. I was wanting to say just that you are lovable and you are not responsible for any of the hurt, the abuse. This is sad and sometimes me hating on me is a little less painful than accepting that.

[Tee]

Notalone you have shown me so much kindness and support since I've found this forum. Like Blueberry said we are here to show you support and kindness too!

A Tornado is such a great visual for the way life feels at times. I'm sorry you are there now. I've been there recently too, but you are not alone, the lies that play are just that lies.  I am so thankful for you and comfort and wisdom and support.

I was in the 1999 OK City tornado that went through and erased a mile wide path through a good portion of the city and You know when the storm is big enough eye gives the calmest calm you'll ever witness.  The storm rages and twists around the eye but the center of the storm is peaceful and eirally calm.  You know the storm is going to come again but for a few minutes you know your ok your safe and you can breath.

I really like your analogy of a tornado because right now I feel like I'm in the eye.  Which is awesome cause I can breathe and see the storm know it's there, coming, but I can offer words of encouragement to you and others while my storm is a little ways off.

You are such an awesome person for all the support you give her to me and others I really appropriate it. Feel my love and support for you know and if it's ok a hug.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, MoonBeam, Tee,

I wanted to reply to each of you individually, but right now that feels overwhelming. Still in the tornado but it has gone from a F4 to a F2. I want you to know that I took in your kind and compassionate replies. I feel your care, support and understanding. That means a great deal to me. Thank you.

[Tee]

  you'll get there standing with you through your storm!

[MoonBeam]

Still here with you notalone.  Take the time you need to take care of you. So much love and compassion for you. Keep hanging in.

My T said to me as we had our anniversary session that I have been like a cat with my claws in the curtains. I just wouldn't let go no matter what. Sometimes it's like that. We just have to hang in there. But I truly believe there are insights and new understanding on the other side each time we walk through the fire. Keep walking through, We are here with you. 

[Kizzie]

Your forum name is so relevant b/c we are here to listen and support you NotAlone.

I just wanted to add that IME my tornadoes did gradually decrease in intensity, frequency and duration as BB suggested. Bringing the pain, loss, fear, anger, etyc to the surface (at your own pace) does over time seem to defuel the energy of unresolved/suppressed trauma.

I hope you will take some hope from this, it a tough journey so it helps to know things can/do get better. 

[Not Alone]

Very grateful for each one of you. Your support has played a large role in me weathering this latest storm. I still feel shaky and see the path of devastation, but no longer feel like I am being swept away by overwhelming emotions and memories. 

[Tee]

I'm glad your feet however shaky are back on the ground.  Hugs my friend.