The Emotionally Absent Mother- Chapter 1 Jasmin Lee Cori

[BeHea1thy]

This book is written for the lay person, has a minimum of scientific language and is sprinkled with exercises and suggested activities. In 2008 the same author wrote Healing from Trauma; A survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life.   In Healing from Trauma, Cori includes different types of trauma, and in the Emotionally Absent Mother narrows the focus to mothering specifically.

The Emotionally Absent Mother : How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect updated and expanded second edition by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC copyright 2010, 2017 published by The Experiment LLC

paperback, 291 pages, Appendix contains a Guided Visualization.

CHAPTER 1 Mothering

The four goals of this book are:
•   To help you get a clearer picture of what kind of mothering you received.

•   To help you see the connection between the mothering you experienced and the difficulties in your life. What have been thought of as personal defects can then be linked to mothering deficits, relieving self-blame. (Italics JLC emphasis)

•   To provide suggestions for how these missing elements can be made up for now-whether in therapy, through close relationships, or by providing them for yourself.

•   To help you decide how to proceed in your relationship with Mother as an adult, giving you more tools and options that you may have started with.

The Ten Basic Good Mother Messages:

I'm glad you're here.
     Speaks to the fundamental message of being valued and wanted.
    If absent we might conclude: maybe it would be better if I weren't here.

I see you.
     refers to accurate " mirroring" and attuned responsiveness.
     If absent it leads to feeling invisible and uncertain that we are real.

You are special to me.
     usually nonverbal-paired with being seen and conveys being prized.
     If absent we might think Mommy might like it better I were someone else.

I respect you.
     demonstrated by supporting uniqueness, accepts preferences, decisions and communicates the value in the child
    If absent we can't learn to respect our capacities, boundaries or preferences and develop unworthiness and shame

I love you.
     verbal or nonverbal-most important qualities are sincerity and authenticity
     If absent we may conclude I am unlovable as I am, if I conform to what others want, maybe they'll love me.

Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help.
     expresses a sense of priority, permission to have needs and not hide them.
     If absent we might believe that my needs are shameful or a burden. I shouldn't have needs.

I am here for you. I'll make time for you.
     communicates a consistent and reliable presence, expresses availability, priority and valuing.
     If absent this leads to the sense I need to raise myself.

I'll keep you safe.
     implied message is I'll protect you, essential for a child to relax and explore.
     If absent we can feel overwhelmed by life and conclude the world is dangerous.

You can rest in me.
     someone else is on guard and protecting you, soothing you and comforting you, no performances necessary
    If absent being with Mother becomes a time we need to stay alert or perform, we never fully feel at home with her.
     
I delight in you.
     an affirmation of the child's preciousness
     If absent we may conclude I am a burden nobody wants. I wish I could disappear. I shouldn't take up so much space.

(reasonable efforts are made to proofread before posting, but a small detail might slip through)

[Hope67]

Hi BeHea1thy,
This book looks very useful - and it's really good that you're reviewing it here - I will hope to read what you're written, and thank you for doing so.    to you.
Hope 

[sj]

thank you for that, BeHea1thy 
looks good and now I have another to add to my list