I don't know what kind of mental illness my mother had

[pit_bull]

She never got diagnosed. All I know is I was not planned, not prepared for, and I got blamed for the disruption I caused to my parents lives. One of the first stories my  mom told me is how I cried at night and kept my dad up in their 1 bedroom apartment. That was not my fault. They should have thought about that before they decided to live together.

I wil use the word should and if that offends you you shouldn't read any further. I do have morals I do adhere to a code. I made sure I was married before I conceived my child and even though my marriage didn't work out I raised a strong independent girl who is thriving and did not go through what i went through.

Yes, I'm still angry about it, and why? Well its the holidays, and everybody is all nice and fuzzy about their parents, families, going home for the holidays, and to this day I can't even speak to my  mother without getting upset and its been four decades.

She hasn't changed. Why should she? She doesn't have the problem, she doesn't need the help. Its all me, it always has been.

So that thread I started about the abusers accusing the abused of being the abuser? Well, it started with my mother. See I had/have a younger brother who has a visual impairment so my whole life I was always the one being mean to my brother, I was the jealous one, I was the bully despite the fact he's turned into a little sociopath.

See to the uneducated ear I sound vengeful and perhaps deluded.

My  mother ... don't get me started on what she did to my family, my father, her sister, my brother, who I don't hold responsible for his point of view because he was just a child being raised by her.

See there is my mercy.

If I were all the terrible things my mother said I was, I would blame my brother for the horrible way he treats me but instead I excuse him.

And that's just the beginning.

[PaperClip]

I get where you are at.  You are not requried to forgive.  This type of anger is protective for us, because we are kind and very forgiving and can forget.  Can't forget or we go back.

You stay mad all you want.  I understand.  I will sit with you and accept you even so.  I know it's not your fault.  Never was.  I hear you doubt this deeply, but the same trouble us, the doubt.  The mind accepts but the heart doesn't tag a long as well.  It still hurts. 

People don't understand insidious evil like these people.  Worst kind. 

Mine was a high functioning sociopath.  Only I made her cry.  One time.  I was bad for making her cry because of what I said, but she made me cry all my life with her words. 

My bruh was a suit and tie psychopath.  Everyone likes him.  He's successful, but I know the truth.  Then I forgot. Then I remember and no more brother for me because now I know normal bros don't do to their little sister what he did. 

Please don't hurt your own heart, it's not your fault.  I know.   

[sanmagic7]

nothing wrong with righteous anger.  there are certain people in my history that i won't forgive - i'll leave that to the higher authorities if they seem inclined to do so. 

don't know what kind of mental illness your mom might have, pitbull.  can't diagnose here.  needless to say, what she said and did to you was wrong.  same with you and your family members, paperclip.  just wrong. 

hugs all around.

[ah]

People don't understand insidious evil like these people.  Worst kind. 

they really don't. It seems people don't want to imagine anything so evil could ever exist. But it does.
There are things I don't forgive either. I can't and I don't see why I have to, no one cares what I feel so why force myself to "feel the right thing" to fit someone else's image, someone else who doesn't know evil?

[Gromit]

I thought for years, if I could just understand what my mother's diagnosis was, it would all make sense. She was in hospital, medicated, etc all before I was born, still medicated afterwards.

I don't think it matters now. What does matter is that it was used to manipulate everyone in the FOO.

Once I stopped needing to know and concentrated on what I could do for me, such as VLC or NC, things got better for me. It is understanding what happens to me and what I can do about that as in EF etc, that is what matters.

I was a terrible baby too, but I was planned, I just don't think the person I am was what my mother wanted. Because, you don't get babies from a catalogue, they are individuals, and if you don't care for them properly then they get damaged, and you can't send them back.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi pitt bull i hear you ....
My m was a huge blamer and emotionally cruel in her behavior ...
I found out about bpd and it really fit my mothers mental insanity ... I can't diagnose her but the psychiatrist agrees she has mental disorder and all the literature I've read on borderline personality disorder fits her ..
It helped me a lot because i found books on having a bpd mother and it really added context and helped me to relate what I'd been through ...
Being the subject of projected hatred has damaged me a lot ....a lot
But i continue on healing one day at a time
Sending blessings on your recovery