'It's not all about you'

Gromit · January 01, 2019, 02:22:24 PM

That is something my OH says to me. It generally shuts down whatever I was trying to say.

Today it came after I was trying to explain how our DD felt. He had said she had 'attitude', she was just replying to a question. I used my experience from childhood, how I used to say things and get told I was 'cheeky' to explain how I understood why she was upset, she didn't understand where the comment came from, neither did I.

Am I just selfish, as the comment suggests? Is he just trying to shut down her comments and mine?

I know this is completely off topic re:CPTSD unless my experience of that warps my perceptions.

G

Blueberry · January 01, 2019, 03:20:13 PM

Maybe OH knows saying "It's not all about you" is a good way to shut you down? It doesn't sound as if you thought it was about you anyway, you thought the discussion was about DD, you were giving an example. I don't have children myself but it seems fairly common for parents to discuss their children's behaviour and maybe one parent explain to the other what they think is going on.

I don't think it's off-topic because ime cptsd has the ability to affect more or less everything, including second-guessing yourself on this kind of stuff. I don't see your perceptions as being warped btw.

Three Roses · January 01, 2019, 05:18:54 PM

"It's not about you" seems a sure way to derail a conversation, and get it back onto him and what he wants to talk about. Could be he is self centered, or could be he is feeling left out or ignored. Which doesn't mean he actually is being left out, only that he may feel that way. I'm only saying this because if I ever said that phrase it would be how I was feeling.

Rainagain · January 02, 2019, 01:23:47 AM

What blueberry and TR say feels right to me.

The reason it always shuts you down is probably because that was the intention.

Gromit · January 02, 2019, 07:35:54 AM

Thanks for the replies and reassurance Blueberry.

I remembered another instance when OH had said the same phrase last night. He said it in response to my comment, 'I hate Black Friday'. It was just my opinion, B F is a new concept here, used by retailers to make sales, an American friend here says it is nothing like it is in the US, however, the added traffic meant it took me an hour to make a 15 minute journey the previous year. I didn't understand why he would say, 'It's not all about you' then, he doesn't work in retail, why should he be bothered by what I feel about BF? Of course, no one can explain why he did that then. I don Often offer a spontaneous opinion like that, I have been burned for careless words by my sister.

G

Wattlebird · January 02, 2019, 09:50:04 AM

It sounds like (to me) his version of "I don't care what your opinion is", and that's why it shuts the conversation because you probably feel that too.
Anyway I could be way off, just my opinion.
Good luck

sanmagic7 · January 02, 2019, 09:04:43 PM

i don't think you were selfish. i think, instead, you were self-ish - using self as a reference for what you thought was going on. i've had people say that to me, and i finally decided i would own it. yeah, it is all about me when it comes to my experience, my perceptions, and my perspective. they all come from my history, which, is in fact, all about me.

sorry that he does that to you. i'm also of the opinion that it's a way to stop you from airing your opinions, and also to doubt yourself. i don't like that. love and hugs, gromit.

Libby183 · January 03, 2019, 07:18:44 AM

Hi Gromit.

This is one of my stbxH's favourite phrases. I have always felt I was being told that I was not entitled to an opinion and I should not have one.

Recently, I had started to be a bit more confident with my opinions, to believe that I had a right. Why shouldn't we hate Black Friday? Like Sanmagic says, we can own our perceptions, opinions etc, as they are true to us.

All the best to you.

LilyITV · January 03, 2019, 04:37:21 PM

I agree with what so many have said here. I also think it is a C-PTSD related post. What your OH's comment says to me is that he doesn't care how you feel and doesn't believe you are entitled to have an opinion or that he doesn't feel it is worth much. My father says things like this to me know even though I am a middle-aged woman. I think C-PTSD makes has made it harder for me to recognize that it is a statement I have a right to be offended by.

When people throw out comments like that, it makes me feel like I am stupid and childish and should just keep my mouth shut. That may not be their intent, but if it's making you feel that way, it can't hurt to let them know. You are giving him useful info that he seems to be completely discounting. Or maybe he needs to come back and explain more what he means by "It's not all about you". Does he know something about the situation that you don't? Does he think you're wrong about a certain point?

Gromit · January 04, 2019, 03:30:14 PM

Ah, LilylTV he uses the same phrase on DD herself. She doesn't like it either.

I think, from my experience at ACoA, CPTSD helps you to tolerate behaviour that isn't ok, because that is what is 'normal', so, yes, it is all relevant.

Thanks.

Rainagain · January 15, 2019, 01:42:18 AM

I may be way off here.

If someone said to me ' It's not all about you' then I would suspect there is something they are not saying, 'It's actually all about me'

I've experienced something similar in a relationship, not those exact words but along the same lines.

Libby183 · January 15, 2019, 08:04:13 AM

I've lost count of the times my sbxH has said this, since announcing our divorce. He has really stepped up his game on this one. I feel even more strongly that it is about power. He is on the one hand blaming my mental health for the divorce, whilst at the same time, saying I am not important to the past or the future . I am finding it very upsetting.

Gromit · January 15, 2019, 10:20:18 AM

Quote from: Rainagain on January 15, 2019, 01:42:18 AM
I may be way off here.

If someone said to me ' It's not all about you' then I would suspect there is something they are not saying, 'It's actually all about me'
.

Yes, a power game, not had it since although, when I use my own past experiences in a response to something, say telling my son what I studied when I did sociology, as he is trying to choose subjects for next year and sociology is an option, I see my OH making the same kind of faces, grimaces, itching to say, 'it's not all about you'.

I am looking at my co-dependency traits and trying to detach.

'It's not all about you'

Three Roses