The Emotionally Absent Mother Chapter 2 Jasmin Cori

[BeHea1thy]

Chapter 2

The Many Faces of the Good Mother

We can take the image of the Good Mother and separate it into different experiences. Each "face" represents a role that she fulfills or a psychological function important for the child's development. You'll notice that many of these roles overlap, and it may seem arbitrary at moments to try to separate them. They work together to do their magic and create the larger than life archetype of the Good Mother. Please keep in mind that although I am talking about these as function of the mother, they can be fulfilled by any caregiver and are not strictly limited to biological mothers. Fathers, grandparents, nannies, day care workers, extended family members, and even mother figures found later in life can provide some of these important nutrients. The ten faces are as follows:

1.   Mother as source. A building block of identity creating a sense of belonging.

2.   Mother as place of attachment. Helps create a belief in belonging and having a place of being securely held and safe.

3.   Mother as first responder. Mother is attuned to child's needs; consistently met needs create sense of security & trust.

4.   Mother as modulator. Offers ways to return to homeostasis and creates ways to learn self-modulation. Self-regulation.

5.   Mother as nurturer. Being loved is crucial to development of self-esteem.

6.   Mother as mirror. Recognition, both verbal and nonverbal, encourages growth and development.

7.   Mother as cheerleader. Support and encouragement create opportunities for exploration & skill development and overcomes feelings of intimidation.

8.   Mother as mentor. Orientation to successful living in the world: decision making, time management, meeting responsibilities, goal formation/pursuit, and social skills.

9.   Mother as protector. Safety is possible when being autonomous, boundary development, respect for rules.

10.  Mother as home base. A place of refuge when life falls apart, can be a community, place or other relationship.

Please note that my method in this chapter was slightly different; I selected specific sentences for the introduction, and strung them together without gaps or ... I also paraphrased portions of the statements which follow the bold italic roles listed numerically. This chapter was filled with lengthy explanations, questions and possible meditations on these themes. Therefore, I've taken some editorial license to condense and rephrase.

[Libby183]

Thank you again, BeHea1thy. I can safely say that my mother failed in all of these functions. She simply didn't have it in her. I wonder if it was because she had an unwavering belief in her perfection as a mother that the damage she inflicted was so great?

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for posting some more of this. The descriptions confirmed my suspicion that the "m" I hung out with was more alien than anything else.

You also said that "If we could think differently, we would!" Yes, that touches on a feeling I've always had with these sorts of reads when the suggestion is made that if we just change our thoughts ... those sorts of descriptions rattle my triggers like crazy.

I've fought pitched battles with myself over these m memories. At last my only conclusion is I just know it wasn't right, that it can't be made right, but at least I'm out of that story, somewhat safe although very scarred. So I'll work on the salve, I guess -- grief, sadness, and ... forgiveness? Can't do the last one, don't suspect any changed thinking can alter this, and guess I don't care anymore. Some would lay on the blame and insist I've failed if I can't forgive.

There's even a well-known writer who points fingers and calls this inability to change 'woundology', hinting that it's all our fault, blame the victim yet again. Gads !