I wrote a letter to my inner child

[graffitighost]

I'm starting to understand how much the past seeps in to my day to day life. I keep remembering things, and I remembered how much I used to loathe myself. And then I started thinking about my inner child and just started ripping her apart. Now I'm here, after crying and some research, realizing where that comes from. I mean, I knew that before. But jesus. You inner child is literally inside of you and listening to you all the time, aren't they?

Anyways, I decided to write her (still feels weird) kind of an apology letter and I'm trying to connect with little me so I can heal and understand what's going on. This came out, and I might be a little numb right now but it did make something inside of me go !!! and my eyes welled up because I've wanted to hear and feel these things. She did. I did. It's still so weird but this felt really good and I thought it might help someone else:

Hey, kiddo.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been there for you enough. I've been ignoring you, and thinking horrible, not –okay things about you. And they aren't true. I know this is really hard to believe at this point, especially coming from me. But they aren't true.

And I'm sorry you're hurting. I can feel you. I know you're in there somewhere, and I know it hurts. I know you feel alone and very, very sad. You feel a lot of things you don't deserve.
I'm going to say this to you again.

It wasn't your fault.

None of it. Mom shouldn't have hit you. She shouldn't have said any of those things to you. NOTHING you ever did or could do justifies what she did. You were being abused, honey. And I'm sorry. You didn't know it, but you were being abused, and it hurts extra hard because it was Mom. And I know how much you still love her, even after all this time.

You and I are two pieces of the same puzzle. We're half and half. You're not a child anymore – you're an inner child. And I'm the adult that you became, and whether I know it or not, you're always still there. It's a weird situation and it's something I'm still trying to understand. I am you. You are me. I'm one person but you're a part of me. You're the part of my brain that still feels and lives in the past – you're the little girl that I used to be.

And whether Mom knew it or not, she raised me to hate you. She raised you to hate you. She knew exactly what she had to say to hurt in just the right spots. She attacked the things you made, what you were excited about, what you looked forward to. She knew how to rip apart everything you cared about and make it feel like it was your fault. And eventually you started doing a lot of that ripping on your own, to punish yourself.

So now you have this big, painful hole. And it swallows you up inside. You and I can still feel the magic things about life. We still have a little bit of that, trying to survive, and we're trying to bring back that sense of wonder. But it's hard, isn't it? Because now we're both depressed. I feel you hurting, and I treat you just like she treated you. And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't punish you for feeling what you feel after what she did, and how much it hurts. For not being the way you could be if that hadn't have happened to you. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you.

It's my job, as the adult you, to take care of you now. Because Mom didn't. That means when I feel you hurting, I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to guide you through. I'm going to be kind.

I wish you could manifest in front of me so I could wrap my arms around you. I know that's what you wanted. What you needed. Someone who could understand completely, who could hold you and take care of you. Help you feel better and happy and grow. I'm realizing as I write this that you felt selfish for wanting this. It wasn't selfish. You were a child.

That shouldn't have EVER felt like a "want". That was a need. You needed that, and you were robbed of it.

If you were a physical little girl in front of me I could hug you and apologize in person. I could make you feel safe. And no one would ever touch you. No one could hurt you under my watch. I would be your guardian.

But maybe I don't need you here, physically in front of me, to do that. To take care of you. To love you like you deserve to be loved. To protect you from things that could harm you. To guide you through all the hurt and trauma that's been inflicted on you. To hold you in my arms when you're hurting and you need someone to hold you.

You are a part of me. You are a real, genuine part of me and I'm seeing that now.

So I'm going to do what she couldn't do for you. I'm going to take care of you. And we're going to get through this, you and I.
I will protect you. I won't put you in situations that are dangerous. I'm cutting you off, permanently, from Mom and Dad – and I know that stings a little sometimes, but at this point we both know it's for the best, don't we? Same goes for anyone who shares their traits. I need you to understand this: no one is going to put their hands on you ever again. And no one is ever going to get away with saying the type of * they said to you, okay? You are not going through that kind of abuse ever again. I won't let it happen.

I will love you. That inner critic that echoes off mom? That's another person I'm cutting off from you. I'll f****** fight that thing. There's not one thing wrong with you. You're honestly pretty impressive. It's impressive you've survived, with this much love and goodness intact. Hate and spite haven't twisted you yet. You're strong as *, you've held your own like *. Jesus Christ, kid, there's nothing wrong with you, you're incredible. And you were an innocent, kind, loving, incredible little girl. And the things you did and made were NOT WORTHLESS!!! They've evolved into pretty big impressive things. YOU are impressive, and good and kind, and I love you, okay? I love you and I'm sorry you haven't felt that enough.

I will comfort you. I'll hold you when you need to cry. I'll acknowledge you when I feel you come out. I'll guide you through the works. I'll be here for you when you need to talk, or you feel like something's off. On bad days, you can cry it out if you need to, and then I'll make you some tea or something and we can sit in bed and read or watch something funny.

I will stand up for you. I will raise you, and teach you and guide you.

I'm your guardian now, okay? I'm your parent now. You need me, and I see that now. And I'm sorry I've been neglecting you. But now I'm here. And things might be shaky and weird at first. It might be kind of strange or weird. But I'm going to figure it out. And I'm letting you in. And we're gonna get through this. Together.

[Three Roses]

But maybe I don't need you here, physically in front of me, to do that. To take care of you. To love you like you deserve to be loved. To protect you from things that could harm you. To guide you through all the hurt and trauma that's been inflicted on you. To hold you in my arms when you're hurting and you need someone to hold you.

You are a part of me. You are a real, genuine part of me and I'm seeing that now.

Beautiful. ❤️