Neighbours triggering EFs

[Oscen]

My neighbours are a couple in their seventies. I often hear them arguing loudly, shouting at one another in their flat. At other times, I can hear them coming and going outside the front doors of our flats, and the woman often speaks to the man in a very harsh tone, even if just to ask him to bring something from the flat.

I find hearing them very triggering, especially when they are outside my front door and the woman is raising her voice. It is especially bad if I'm home from work in my pyjamas during the day. I feel afraid that they're going to open my door and come in and shout at me. I freeze up while I listen to them and can't think of anything else while they are there. I have to remind myself that they have nothing to do with me, our flats are separate and my door's locked so they can't come in! Sometimes I go and check the door's locked, but I don't lately. It's triggering because it reminds me of hearing my mother outside my room, shouting at me or my father or one of my sisters, and hoping that she will not come in, because it was always for something bad. Dad occasionally stepped up and took over the shouting at children duties, too. They usually shouted at me for not doing housework or leaving my things lying in the lounge. I also feel afraid if I can hear the cleaners vacuuming the landing, because my mother was always in an absolutely foul mood when she had to hoover, and I think I even avoid going out of my flat then so I don't have to see them!

I wouldn't have thought that having my parents occasionally come in and shout at me for not cleaning up, etc, was actually that bad, but my reaction to these triggers makes me think it was worse than I'd realised. I haven't monitored my reactions enough to know how the event affects my mood in the following hours, but I guess hearing shouting and feeling afraid I'd be shouted at next so often throughout my childhood really made an impression on me. I think it's not because the bad things were actually so bad, it's just that the unseen abuse is actually the lack of positive things to balance them out. Mum and Dad never just knocked on the door to ask me how I was or talk about my day. We just didn't have those conversations at all, really. And they both could get really angry, really enraged sometimes. They'd never hit me or get really nasty in their verbal attacks, but my self esteem would be laying there in tatters. I used to feel terrible about myself as a person, unable to change and be a neat and tidy good girl who did her homework and her chores. They didn't seem to care how I felt in those moments, they'd just vent their frustration that I didn't do what they wanted me to. It wasn't on purpose; I wanted to be good, but I didn't know how; didn't believe I could after a while. They didn't help me to change or show me a way. I think my mum hated spending time with me, so she never helped me learn to cook or clean or anything. She often seemed really furious if she had to show me how to do something. I remember once she saw me get dressed (I didn't want to get dressed in front of her because I was very shy about my body so I did it quickly), and she got angry about the way I put my bra on! Ok, I wasn't doing it right, my boobs were getting squashed at the bottom, but still?? I really have to wonder what was going through her head.

From a very young age, I already knew that I wouldn't get positive attention for doing well in school or doing my chores, because my parents would either ignore it or find a way to pick holes in it. So I just gave up. Now, I'm a bit better than I was but not out of the woods - still at that point where I'm struggling to make myself work on housework and admin for work (I manage to keep up with the bare minimum and that's it) and any extra hobbies I'm interested in, but I zone out to deal with the stress and fear of doing it wrong.

I wrote about this because I heard my neighbours out there in the hall just now and remembered how terrified I used to feel while I was studying and I'd be at home in my pyjamas, overwhelmed with guilt as I procrastinated my way through university. This particular trigger is much better now, but noticing how I felt and that I associated the woman with my mother flagged up just how badly my childhood had affected me. It's definitely affected my ability to relax over the years.

[Not Alone]

That sounds really distressing to be triggered by your neighbors. It sounds like your childhood was frightening and painful.