Just started EMDR

[LKC]

I am new to the fourm and this is my first post... I feel completely alone and don't know what to do anymore.

I have been on the journey of trauma therapy for a while now and started EMDR last fall. It did not go well and I ended up majorly suicidal and was hospitalized. I have been getting stronger and better since that time but this week has felt like a huge setback. My therapist and I have spent months preparing my grounding/resourcing skills so that I would be more prepared for EMDR to target my CPTSD traumas. The session was incredibly difficult, intense, and emotional. It felt like progress though. BUT now I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I feel self-destructive but have been able to not act on any behaviors. Does anyone else feel like this after EMDR or other trauma therapy? I have tried confiding in my husband and feel like I am just a huge burden for him. He doesn't seem to believe in me or that EMDR is worth it because I have been "emotional this week." I also shared that I feared "being too much for him and everyone" and he said that I "am being too much right now." I am so hurt but I guess he is right?? I am always terrified to really be myself and share with others out of fear of being too much and a burden and last night I feel like he confirmed that I am. Any support and ways others may relate would be helpful. Thanks for reading!

[Blackbird33]

Hi LKC and welcome.
I personally think that for EMDR to be successful , one's window of tolerance has to be pretty strong. When I tried EMDR 2 years ago it did not go down well either as I wasn't prepared for such direct questions. You mentioned preparing yourself more for it through grounding etc so hopefully it will help make the treatment less traumatic for you. I know EMDR helps lots of people with cptsd but not everybody. An EMDR therapist told me she sees better results for ptsd than for complex.
Blackbird33

[johnram]

Hi LKC, welcome to the forum

sorry to hear you have been finding EMDR tough.

I have done a lot of therapy which i didnt feel worked, costing me time and money, but now doing EMDR is working, although its been very emotional and tiring

There is a good video i watched on youtube, and i am not sure what the rules are here for posting links, but i can share it, it really helped me understand that EMDR would make me get worse before it got better (the person speaking works in mental health and received EMDR).  I also watched this video with my wife, and shared it with my brother to explain how EMDR was affecting me

That being said, EMDR is not for everyone, but i would think the fact things are being stirred, it may be working for you but you need to take it slower? 

I wish you well, and i would also say, finding these forums has been fantastic for me, i avoided sharing my own stories, but relating to people on here, settles me somewhat, especially as i dont often accept myself

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, LKC!

he said that I "am being too much right now."

You are not too much. What happened to you was too much. The pain you've been thru was too much. The lack of understanding you've received has been too much. The support you've received has been too little.

You are not alone here. Your feelings are understood here. We share your issues.

You are to be commended for holding on.


I wonder, do you think you may be experiencing an emotional flashback? Here's some info on that from Pete Walker - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm It's long but essential info, and there are steps at the bottom to follow to help.

Thanks for joining, and for sharing! We value your input. 

[truus]

Very sorry to hear what you're going through LKC. It is really hard to be trying to get better and have your spouse not seem committed or confident that you can do it. I have had this problem too sometimes. I've had to tell my husband that there are times when I don't actually want him to be "honest" or to try to fix the problem, I just want to know someone is there and doesn't judge me. I just want him to say he understands, it will be okay, and he loves me. Setting some boundaries around challenging stuff helps me. I go to sexual assault support group every week and I'm emotionally exhausted every time. At first, if I would come home crying, my husband would be really worried and question if group was really a good thing for me, but he didn't understand what I was going through and why. After doing this for years and having marriage counseling, we've kind of learned some better communication. We still have a ways to go. Now when I come home, he waits for me to approach him if I want a hug or want to talk, he has dinner ready, he doesn't put any pressure on me, and we always eat ice cream.

I have thought about trying EMDR but haven't done it yet because I'm afraid I will react the same as you and many others have. I know though that you are normal and what you are experiencing is normal. I think it would be good if your husband was willing to try marriage counseling, if that's something you wanted to do together. It helped my husband a lot to understand what I was going through. One of the challenges of CPTSD is that you tend to hold it all inside and not share what's going on in your head. I'm a very private person, even with my husband. Marriage counseling brought us closer.

He also read a book for partners of CSA survivors, don't know if that's relevant for you.

[LKC]

Thank you everyone for you kind words and support! I also appreciate hearing how others can relate. I had told myself that no one was going to respond to me so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw all of the responses. Things have still been really difficult these past few days.

I actually do think EMDR is going to be very healing for me.. just extremely emotional and draining. Well, I hope at least. I know I have to take it slow to keep myself from spiraling and also be able to at least somewhat function in day to day life. It was just disheartening to have him question my trauma therapy so quickly. It took me so long to think there was even the hope that it requires to attempt working through my trauma. I was just convinced that I would not make it past 25 so why bother. I am not in that place anymore and I need him to believe in my healing too It is HARD to hold on to that hope. and I don't have even that on a daily basis. When we were in crisis mode he mentioned marriage counseling but things didn't work out logistically and then by the time they did he wasn't willing to go anymore. The thing that adds an extra layer to all of this is that I am almost certain he also has CPSTD but is not yet in a place to see that. I think he often has his own trauma reactions and I have empathy for him in that. It just still hurts

I have EMDR again tomorrow. Wish me luck!

[LKC]

Hello and welcome, LKC!

he said that I "am being too much right now."

You are not too much. What happened to you was too much. The pain you've been thru was too much. The lack of understanding you've received has been too much. The support you've received has been too little.

You are not alone here. Your feelings are understood here. We share your issues.

You are to be commended for holding on.


I wonder, do you think you may be experiencing an emotional flashback? Here's some info on that from Pete Walker - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm It's long but essential info, and there are steps at the bottom to follow to help.

Thanks for joining, and for sharing! We value your input. 


THANK YOU SO MUCH! I will look into that article.

[johnram]

good luck, and keep posting

I am currently 15-20 sessions into EMDR, if you want to share notes