Young Part Sad

[Not Alone]

I went for a grounding walk today, taking in nature. A young part of me showed up and was feeling joy, feeling the sunshine, hearing the birds, etc. Then that part starting thinking about being with a caring person. Suddenly, I felt like I was stabbed in the chest, feeling deep sadness; the grief of the unmet desire to have had someone (like a parent) find delight in me. I almost started crying. I held back the tears, maybe because the feeling was so unexpected, but also because I knew that I needed to put my "mom hat" on in a few minutes. I went home and ate two icecream bars.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear notalone, I often go for walks in nature, actually whenever I can. It is one of the things that is almost guaranteed to help me feel better.

Often during those walks I am overcome with emotion. Sometimes it's happiness, more often it's sadness but usually it's something coming to the surface I've been unaware of or repressing.

I try to think of these emotions as simmering off, something I need to process slowly to help my healing, to get to a better place.

I often eat sweets too, usually to take my mind off things!

I wasn't able to get out walking today and probably won't tomorrow either. Your image of the sun shining and the birds singing was nice for me to visualise, I would like to thank you for that. 

[Not Alone]

S&B: Thanks for listening and responding.

[woodsgnome]

I regularly experience these sad feelings  -- feeling the sheer abandonment of having had no one. My inner young one can only take me so far, it seems, and I'm left with nothing but a deep, lonely sadness. But I'm coming to know this trait need not define the truth of who I am.

Part of my recovery journey has involved what I'll call a re-framing. Now I know the sadness is there. I still don't like it, but while still feeling the loss around it, deep within I somehow know I'll still be okay, am okay. Why? I survived, somehow; exactly how I don't care; I just accept that as proof I really am okay, even or especially when the sadness tries to flow back in. Through and/or despite the tears -- strange as it sounds, also a sign that I'm okay, even if I hurt.

Once I attended a 'healing memories' workshop that included several art projects. One was to draw a lifemap. What happened was I started spontaneously drawing symbols of all that had gone wrong, then seized a crayon, re-drew the hurtful parts into a huge blob in a small corner. The result was a fresh swath of blank space, with some clouds of my dreams for finding new meaning. Some might consider this sort of thing as a big and silly fantasy -- it is, and I welcome it as a sure sign that my young self can understand, even if no one else ever does.

I don't welcome sadness in any shape or form, but it still shows up regardless of whether I want it to or not. I've also learned that to fight sadness only seems to encourage it more. But I'm also, in a sense, still drawing up those dreams, re-framing them as it were. And remembering -- my young part did indeed survive, and stays with me, my younger more creative side steps forward, mustering up ways to keep re-framing that lifemap. When I'm feeling hopeless, he tends to show up, and even sadness seems awed by his innocence.

[saturnine]

I like what others have mentioned in this thread, about being with the feeling and cultivating the deep knowing that you'll be okay through it all.

I've had similar experiences out in nature, where one minute I'm caught in the joy and gratitude of the moment and then I think about how badly I want to be sharing this experience with someone...anyone. It's such a devastatingly lonely feeling that can be really hard to bear. I'm glad you were able to see it through.

[Kizzie]

I felt like I was stabbed in the chest, feeling deep sadness; the grief of the unmet desire to have had someone (like a parent) find delight in me.

I used to feel similarly  when I went to the doctors or was in hospital, this absolute aching feeling and I didn't quite know why.  Once I started to recover from CPTSD I figured out it was that deep grief you mention of not having anyone give me genuine care and concern as a child. 

I do think my being able to figure out why I felt that way and then letting it come to the surface was a part of recovery, a readiness to face the losses and pain I felt as a child that were tucked away in a dark corner only to bubble up when a situation triggered me. Since recognizing what the feelings were about I have done some Inner Child work, actually it was more play in my case, and the feelings have slowly decreased.  I have given and continue to give younger me some of the care and concern she needed and needs and that does seem to help.

Perhaps what you experienced on your walk is actually a step forward in your recovery? 

[Not Alone]

woodsgnome: Thank you for what you shared. I am very visual and sometimes put my thoughts/feelings into art therapy. "And remembering -- my young part did indeed survive, and stays with me, my younger more creative side steps forward, mustering up ways to keep re-framing that lifemap." It is fairly recent that I have allowed younger self to be here with creativity and joy (not just bad memories). The idea of "re-framing" is new to me. Would like to learn and think more about that.

BeHea1thy & saturnine: Thank you for your encouragement and words of affirmation.

Kizzie: Thanks for sharing your experience. I am pretty new at learning how to care for the younger me. Just "allowing" her to experience the walk was a good step for me.

[woodsgnome]

Notalone said: "The idea of "re-framing" is new to me. Would like to learn and think more about that."

Re-framing starts with the intention of taking a fresh look. At anything, really, but with cptsd etc. there's obvious connections. One thing I've noticed about my own 'stuff' is that it helps to see some things through a different lens for both self-comfort/compassion and to see if there's another approach that might reveal a new surprising take on handling the stressful repercussions we all experience.

I tie this together with the word re-framing. This involves visualizing or imagining a painting or illustration set within a frame (although it doesn't have to be framed, I suppose). So you look at the painting, and absorb its presentation.

Let's say you're looking at a montage of your life story so far. Mine, for instance, would have a very sad tone, representing what are some pretty awful things that happened; there can be shame or other emotions represented as well. Not a pretty picture, as they say.

Now think about the nature of a painting. At any point, it can suffer neglect, be dusty, and/or lots of things can alter its appearance; different lighting, partially covering a section -- all can change one's perspective. Consider doing this on purpose. It can be smashed, of course, in a fit of rage at what you see. But that tends to only feel good temporarily, even if it is a comforting release of pent-up anger and unbearable sadness.

A longer, more satisfying (because you create it) alteration of the original canvas can happen, though. The same canvas can indeed be painted right over. Or a section can be created, colours and tone altered perhaps; any number of alterations/changes are possible. And the potential of these changes is what makes the new re-framed picture intriguing to visualize and create.

Re-framing, for me, represents everything I'm trying to do differently with my life, whilst knowing the old canvas is still there, even if it's completely altered. It's there, alright, and I remember its pain, still grieve what it was about. The new emerging picture, and possibly even the frame around it, is all about my hope to craft a new piece of art which represents the now and what i hope to find now.

There is no perfect way to do this, as everyone's canvas and frame starts differently and has various influences that shape it. And each person, once they realize their own inner beauty, are free to create a masterpiece they are proud of, and not just reacting to the old.

Hope that makes some sense. Even if it's just magical thinking, the whole idea is to adjust one's focus from the past horrors to the present/future creation of a new life story. 

[Not Alone]

woodsgnome, thank you so much for that. Although I'm not sure how to get there, I think I am understanding what you are saying. Perhaps the "paint" that I am using right now is working on treating myself with compassion. The original picture of the little girl was painted with (fill in here with a number of self-condemning words). Now I am painting over her with compassion, acceptance, love. (Trying to anyway.) While I'm at it, I will dip my brush into the paint color of BELIEVING HER.

My therapist told me that we are not taking all the broken pieces and trying to glue them together like a broken teapot. Instead, we are taking the broken pieces and making a beautiful new mosaic. If I am understanding correctly, that is another picture of re-framing.

And each person, once they realize their own inner beauty, are free to create a masterpiece they are proud of, and not just reacting to the old.

Hope!

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for sharing what your therapist said about building a new piece from the shattered old parts. There is a Japanese art form called kintsugi which does just that--creates a new more beautiful pottery piece from the shattered remnants. You might want link to the video below for a short explanation of it. Take care.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBUTQkaSSTY

[Not Alone]

woodsgnome,

Thanks for sharing that video link. What a wonderful picture, that the broken places have been made more beautiful with the gold.