Today is one of those days... (TW jic)

[Ecowarrior888]

My birthday is in a couple weeks. And today as soon as I got home from work, I showered and made cup noodles....
I sat on my couch and ate at the small table with the TV on....
I felt echoes of a flashback if that makes sense. It was there, but not full blown, however the guilt started seeping in.
I could just hear my dad calling me starchy, fat and saying I am killing my brain cells when I turned the TV on..... I worked for 8 hours outside, physical labor in 80 degree heat.... Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel alone when my husband is in constant contact with me? I have my kitty who tries to get me out of these flashbacks.
But I feel I have nothing to look forward to. Everything feels dark. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. Even something I should be looking forward to, going to a workshop for my job with all expenses paid for which is all about my passion. But of course, it lands on my abuser's birthday....
I just want everything to stop. There are so many things going on and I feel like I can't catch up.

[RiverRabbit]

Ecco,
Yeah... so my mother contacted me the other day.  She wants to meet in June, when they will be on this side of the country.

I have not seen her in over 7 years.  My choice, not hers.

My kids are older now, and are curious... I think two of them might be able to keep her verbal attacks in perspective.  But, my youngest, I really worry could not handle it.

Personally, I could go the rest of my life with no contact with my FOO (Family of Origin), but I feel I might do harm to not let my kids see her.  Maybe they have to see it for themselves.  And, they have not had her talons in them since birth, like I have... so I think they are not as vulnerable to her as I am.

... at least, that is what I am telling myself to not just kibosh this from the start.

As for me, I seem to have gone into emotional hiding... protection mode, if you will.  I'm feeling very disconnected from those around me.

I guess I'm in a "softer" form of a flashback at the prospect of having to be in the same room with my mother.  I say "softer", because I seem to be functioning... interacting with the world.  But I am not feeling right... I have this feeling like a hammer is about to drop... a sword of Damecles is about to descend... like the bottom is about to drop out.

... and because it is all about to cataclismically come to some end... what is the use?... why make connections that it will just hurt me more when they are ultimately severed?

Sounding anything like what you are going through... roughly (pun intended)?

[Ecowarrior888]

Yeah. Wow you are very brave for doing for your kids.

I dont think I would be able to do that. I decided when my future kids will not meet there grandpa. Period.

But I guess all I can say is that you know the red flags. You know your triggers which is good because the minute you start feeling them, you can be like hmmm something came up, time to go. And you will be there with your kids. You will be able to kind of guide their interactions with your mom and make it a positive experience.

However, something my FOO does unintentionally because they havent received the help they need, is give opinions about how I am as a wife. Or how my husband is. Or just how my marriage works. And I know those are echoes from my dads abuse. So I kind of always have like a rebuttal for anything they could or would say to me. Like oh dont tell your husband everything....uhhh that's what makes my marriage work.
Trust your family more than your husband. Hmmm my husband iiiis my family. So I always have my guard up.

I know you will too.

If it makes you feel any better, my grandma was abusive to my mom, aunts and uncles. My grandma cannot be physically abusive now but her words can sometimes cut right through you. But now that I am older, I turn the conversation around and be like oh I'm fat. Time to show you my talking belly button. I take it like a joke. And if anything she laughs at it now and knows better whether to call me fat lmao And I actually have a great relationship with my grandmother regardless of how negative she could be. My mom just told me growing up, nah dont listen to your grandma she is from a different time and life. And that kind of gave me an excuse to ignore any negative comments she made growing up which protected me.

[Kizzie]

My birthday is in a couple weeks. And today as soon as I got home from work, I showered and made cup noodles....  I sat on my couch and ate at the small table with the TV on.... I felt echoes of a flashback if that makes sense. It was there, but not full blown, however the guilt started seeping in.

I could just hear my dad calling me starchy, fat and saying I am killing my brain cells when I turned the TV on..... I worked for 8 hours outside, physical labor in 80 degree heat.... Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel alone when my husband is in constant contact with me? I have my kitty who tries to get me out of these flashbacks.
But I feel I have nothing to look forward to. Everything feels dark. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. Even something I should be looking forward to, going to a workshop for my job with all expenses paid for which is all about my passion. But of course, it lands on my abuser's birthday....  I just want everything to stop. There are so many things going on and I feel like I can't catch up.

I have an awesome H and S and good life I have carved out for myself and yet the ghosts of my past still haunt me too, it's the nature of this particular beast.  When I read what the voices are saying to you to kill any joy or relaxation you might have in a moment I think "Is it any wonder we feel a lack of joy or hope?"  There's a HUGE black hole in our lives caused by not being loved, valued or respected by our parents and it's just really hard to fill.

FWIW, what helps me is to cut down on stress as much as possible, rest more and try to use Pete Walker's strategies for defueling/reducing the Inner Critic - http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm.  It's a work in progress (key word is "progress" - oftentimes feels way too slow but when I look back I do see it  ).

[Ecowarrior888]

Thanks so much for that link I will definitely try some of these. I dont know how to be angry....I was raised to push that emotion so deep down that idk how to use anger to push critic away. But reasoning and quotes?I love it.thank youuuu

[Kizzie]

The other thing some members do to track their progress is to start a journal here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0.  It helps to look back from time to time and see where you were.