Should I trust my memories? Or believe BPDm, that I was just dreaming it? TW

[greendoor]

I have a history of repressing memories. I was in an abusive relationship, and after the bf strangled me and threatened to put my head through his wall, I forgot about this incident for about six months and then the memory flooded back. But I had blocked it out for a half of a year. I also, have memories that have come back recently, that I had blocked out, of when my BPDm was really bad addicted to alcohol and drugs. Things happened that I had blocked out, and I only now remember because people told me about them and I know they are true. So I know I do block out things.

but there are also things that I remember from childhood that confuse me. Things that involve my parents and my private body parts. I remember these things, but when I ask my parents about them they tell me that it either never happened and I dreamed about it, or that it was for medical reasons.

Has anyone else ever doubted your own memories, because your parents told you it was just a dream? My BPDm does lie still and gaslight. So I am starting to trust myself more than her. But in the past she defined my truth. If she contradicted what I saw with my own eyes, I would believe her over my eyes.

The thing is, I really think some stuff happened to me, but that my mind is blocking it out. The reason I want to remember, is because if the person who did this to me is still in my life, I don't want to just trust them. You know?

Should I trust my memories? Or should I believe that it was all just a weird dream?

[greendoor]

It isn't just the memories that I do have. I also feel like there was someone else who may have hurt me. I have partial memories of places where I believe stuff happened. I can see the room, and feel all kinds of horrible sensations when I think about it. Sensations that feel like I am terribly uncomfortable and there was someone who was grooming me, or abusing me. But I can't see the abuse. I just feel it. And if I try to remember I get a stabbing pain in my head. Every time.

I wouldn't wonder, except that I know that I have blocked out other things too. You know?

[Not Alone]

I have had enormous struggles with trusting my memories. I finally am believing myself more, but still have doubts at times. I have needed the help of a therapist, who has years of experience helping people with childhood trauma. I understand the inner turmoil. My therapist has said to me many times: "Those pictures are in your head for a reason." Also, greendoor, your body is responding to your memories (sensations, stabbing head pain). Be gentle on yourself and go slowly. If at all possible, do this work with a skilled therapist.

[Three Roses]

Yes, I've had a history of repressing things, and to make a long story short, I knew something was there and decided to chase it without benefit of therapy or guidance (other than an outdated self help book I used).

Please let me urge you in the strongest language possible to wait for a qualified therapist before you start trying to uncover things. The way I went about it resulted in my retraumatizing myself. I'm by no means qualified to give mental health advice but thought I'd at least let you know how it turned out for me.

Best wishes for your continued recovery.

[Kizzie]

Should I trust my memories? Or should I believe that it was all just a weird dream?

I think just by being here you are answering the question for yourself Greendoor.  Like TR I would urge you to find a good T to guide and support you to uncover and process your memories as they are buried for a reason.