the Enabler parent

[Blueberry]

 I saw this on OOTF and thought it might be of interest here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PcVXDJQ9Wc&feature=youtu.be
It's an informative video on the 'other' parent who appears good because apparently when we're children we can't possibly survive with two bad parents, we have to believe one is better to the point of overlooking any bad stuff from this parent. I think the video explains it very well. I tried to post on OOTF about my reactions to the video, but I kept deleting my post, so obviously I didn't feel safe enough. 

[Blueberry]

Particularly #6 jumped out at me: "Don't get them mad!" That behaviour was really modelled by enF/uNPDF, but it's got worse. Now both B1 and B2 allow themselves to potentially get uNPDM mad, but last time I was with FOO (Horrendous Event #2) they made it totally clear that it's completely out of bounds for me to even conceivably get M mad in any way. So my brothers have changed to the degree that they are not allowing M to be really abusive of them or their families but they're not allowing me to set M any limits because apparently the dysfunctional FOO system still needs a garbage pail somewhere and I'm the designated garbage pail. Realising that weeks or months after H.E. #2 was the clinch moment in me going VVVLC with everybody and the moment where I realised: this is forever. There will be no happy ending here. I as a single person cannot go up against the whole FOO dysfunctional system, I cannot win. 

At H. E. #2, I merely expressed surprise at something M said and contradicted slightly - "but we just bought food"  - it was really minor. Immediately B1's face was contorted with rage and he made huge 'shut up!' gestures to me with his arms. Don't get M mad! SIL2 however left the room obviously annoyed (at M, not at me) and nobody gestured at her or made angry faces.

In one of the comments on OOTF, somebody mentions an "easygoing" enabler. F always managed to look so stable and easygoing. In fact, that's one thing a good friend of mine who didn't know me in childhood used to say about him: "he's so easygoing" and she felt a little sorry for him on account of my difficult, explosive and abusive M. Fortunately her attitude has changed since H.E. #2 and aftermath. In the video they mention how it's kind of a show - the enabler parent isn't healthy at all but manage to portray themselves as less toxic than the other parent, often because they're not as loud. But they model really toxic relationship behaviour to their children.

My F definitely liked seeing himself as the good guy and we kids all thought he was too, in my childhood anyway. I think my Bs still think he is, in a way, unless he somehow negatively impacts on their lives. They also think they are the good guys whereas I'm seen as the crazy, difficult one who ruins everything, causes all the problems in the extended family etc. Unless M does that. But I have even lower standing than she does, I'm the Supreme Scapegoat.

This video helps me see how toxic my Bs both are. In fact, I think the video puts all these enabler types in the Narc group too, just covert. I'm not sure anymore, that might have been the gist of the OOTF comments instead. What the video does make clear is that the enablers have a choice - they could protect their children, they could leave the situation, they could go into therapy, but they don't. I'm going all cold now thinking - my brothers know they have a choice, they do protect themselves and their families from toxic M in as far as they realise there's a problem anyway, but they still need somebody to bear the brunt - and that's me.

[dreamriver]

Agree 100% Blueberry that these enablers should be put in the narc category. And yes...I think they know very well that they throw people under the bus, but dissociate from it with a mixture of cowardice or simply caring about themselves more, and/or and doing whatever backflips they can in their head to justify that the scapegoat role is needed and that whoever fills the role deserves it....A type of narcissism all its own.

[Hope67]

Thank you for posting this, Blueberry, I am hoping to watch it later today. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

F is my main enabler parent, though sometimes M used to enable him too with different examples in the video.

Anyway it occurred to me today with F and his Mr. Nice Guy approach, pretending to be caring towards me, he was just pulling me back into the FOO dysfunction. So that's being an enabler too. Gotta have the designated garbage pail back otherwise how can the system work!? So the whole of FOO is functioning as an abusive cycle which is possibly more confusing and mind-warping than one person doing so? Or just as confusing but in a different way.

[Gromit]

I unfortunately have some enabler traits. I get triggered when my OH is angry and I do fear when our children do something to upset him. I have to stop myself from trying to stop them.

G

[Blueberry]

Sorry Gromit, I'm only getting back to your post now, almost a month later.

Maybe I should be less categorical than: all these enabler types belong in the narc category.

I think however that the real difference lies in the following: you are aware of what's going on and you stop yourself or try and stop yourself. Also you are working on yourself to change your reaction to triggering situations here and now and though I can't remember your whole history on here, you are working on yourself with cptsd in general. That genuinely sounds different to my FOO dynamic. If I had a family of my own, I'd be struggling big time which wouldn't be good for any children, so I always say it's good I don't have any - for them. For me too though. So I think about other mbrs here on the forum who are parenting with cptsd and I take my hat off to you all.

I suspect M has cptsd from childhood and maybe F does too or from adolescence but the thing is: they never faced whatever it was, they just turned it on other people all the time. "Therapy?? Us? Who needs therapy? We don't have any problems! Just Blueberry has problems." Gromit, I can't imagine that is what you think about your children - that they have to change and you don't. Nor can I imagine that is what most or any mbrs on this forum think about their children, otherwise you Gromit and they wouldn't be here, working on yourself / themselves.