SA/DV - TW - Debilitating pain

[brightlight]

This is really hard for me to write and my memories are quite fragmented from being so young. I know some things did happen and the worse pain you could ever experience to go with it.

I have always had problems in my private area since I was in my cot. I remember I had this terrifying nightmare about this monster hiding under my cot when my mum left my bedroom when I was about 2-3 and he put cream on me in my private area. I was prescribed this from the doctors for a period when I was very young but it never made the pain go away.

My childhood was quite scary when you have limited understating of what's going on, there was domestic violence where my brother and myself heard my parents arguing and my dad hit my mum. We also witnessed this and as we had a strong bond with our mum and not so much our dad, this was extremely distressing/upsetting for us as we didn't have the words or actions to be able to help her.

However I always felt my brother was treated as the golden boy with my mum and gran and I was treated differently. Due to this I wanted to belong and have affection from someone else and thought I had started to get this from my dad. One night after domestic violence my mum left and I had the choice to go with them or stay with my dad. I felt sorry him and stayed with him. I was 5/6. That night, I won't go into the details but it was the worse pain I've experienced in my life. I remember him saying something about see what your mum thinks about this. I can't remember exactly but it was like there was intent to hurt her through me. I screamed in pain all night, long after he'd gone. Ever since that night and for a long time afterwards I woke up screaming in pain and was inconsolable as nothing would take the pain away. I'm not sure if this was the next night or another time but I must have asked him not to do anything and I remember him saying he's not going to do what he did last time. But did something else. This has always been on my mind. Even though I know this happened, I still doubt it, is this a self protection defense?

When I went to the doctors I remember saying to my mum 'Will we tell the doctor it hurts at night' and my mum said 'Let me do the talking' My mum said I was sensitive down there and mentioned something to do with the bath. The doctor swabbed me but I remember she was quite rough and I said ouch as it was quite sore. This memory is so clear to me.

My mum came back as usual. We were always leaving and going back. I never stayed with my dad without my mum again. When I cried at night I had a cream we got from the doctors and it did nothing at all to help. My mum would rock me most of the time but because I cried so much and for so long, she said she had to go to bed as she had work the next day.

I had this flashback when I was about 22 from one of those nights and I don't want to be too graphic but there was blood all over the sheets etc. I'm not sure how much I should rely on this type of flashback/memory?

When I was in my bed I heard my mum telling my dad to stay out of my room and asked him what he'd done to me. I also heard my mum and gran talking among themselves about 'what's he been doing to her' I heard my mum saying to my dad 'They'll get taken off me' She lived her life through us. Although the latter statement could have been about various things. She hit us with the belt. My dad apparently always said to my mum he'd say she was an unfit mother (I never knew that until years later)

As a result of what I described I had for almost a decade starting from age 15 debilitating chronic pain and discomfort in my vagina. I always said it was the emotional abuse from my step dad which brought this previous trauma out. It just feels like such a wasted life. I'm 36 now. Not like the debilitating pain I had previously but I have had chronic vaginal pain for almost 4 years now due to an internal abscess. Fortunately I have received good/understanding mental health and gynecological support this time round.

This is such a relief to get this off my chest.  I struggle to talk about my memories and express even to therapists as so much domestic violence and different types of abuse it's so hard for me to process. I'm just becoming more able to process and express myself recently. This is quite long, so I'm just initially glad to get this off my chest.

[Not Alone]

Horrible pain and trauma. Dear one, if it feels safe, I would like to send you a tender, caring hug.  Also, I believe you.

[brightlight]

Thank you for the hug and kind words. That means a lot.

[RiverRabbit]

I have also doubted my earliest abuse memories... I think we keep them buried until we are ready to face them.

I have recurring nightmares as well... a year ago, they changed... became more graphic (I will spare you... you have been through enough).  But, it was as if the more intense ones were the subconscious saying, "Okay, I think we are ready to process this."

These are not good memories in any sense, but they have shaped who we are... up to a point.

From here, we can strive to become stronger, and rebuild ourselves... with a lot of help once find it.

[Kizzie]

So very sorry to hear what you went through and what it has left you with Brightlight.  I am so glad you chose to share with us and that it feels like a positive act to write about it.  It took me ages to feel comfortable enough to talk about my trauma, but when I did things began to shift and the pain, anger and fear did begin to decrease. I hope this is what happens for you   

[brightlight]

Riverrabbit - I think the subconscious tries to protect us to enable us to continue surviving especially if you have to live with your parents and they are the ones hurting you.

Thank you Kizzie. For a long time I couldn't process anything at all, living in the present was near impossible with the debilitating pain and the past just wouldn't go away, it was always there in my head, it was like some sort of limbo. Living death I used to call it. Slowly I have began to learn social skills - any I did have and any sense of self was eradicated with my step dad's emotional abuse. Social skills have helped me learn to express myself along with normal experiences of life like volunteering, work which I feel have helped me develop as a person. Being around other people and learning how they interact with people.

I'm glad your pain and anger have lessened as you have been able to open up and talk about your trauma.