struggling

[Not Alone]

Will try to write this in a way that makes sense. Hard to do when I feel crazy. 

Yesterday's therapy session started depressing and went downhill from there. After a caring visit with a friend, I went home and took a Vicodin--partly to get rid of my headache (didn't work) and partly to get a break from my feelings. Not sure if it was the pill I took or only a continuation of the difficult space I was in during session; anyway a very angry self-destructive "part" was the most present. "She" sent an email to my T. Later that night I read the email and it really scared me. I won't go into details, but it was her feeling violent toward all my parts.

My T sent me an email this morning to check in on me. I am looking normal on the outside. Managed to work a three-hour shift, although at times felt like my head was full of bees. I went for a walk with a couple of friends, not sharing, just company. I did text a few friends who know what I am struggling with. Their care, prayers, and responses do help. I feel in and out of crazy. When I try to breathe or ground the message in my head is, "This is so stupid. This doesn't work." I have attempted a couple of times to go through Walker's 13 steps. I don't get further than step one, "I am having a flashback." Response in my head: "No you're not. You are just CRAZY." I keep trying to ground and to breathe, but it is so hard. I feel like I am fighting a war that cannot be won.

I guess sending this post is a small way of me fighting for myself.

[Blueberry]

Hey, it's great you've reached out . your post makes total sense. You are not crazy.

It's quite OK to not get beyond Walker's Step One. Been there often myself. Especially when overwhelmed by destructive inner parts.

You are doing self-care in ways other than Pete Walker's like emailing your T, going for a walk with friends, texting other friends who understand more.  As far as possible, keep going.

You are probably in a huge EF where it feels as if things will never get better. They will! My EFs reduce in their intensity all by themselves, eventually. Within reason, do what you need to feel safe. That could be wrapping yourself up tightly in a blanket, holding a teddy bear, breathing without concentrating on doing so or any number of other things. Maybe your intuition will give you an idea you can use, so long as it's not destructive in the here and now, that's fine, instead of a Pete Walker Step.

[Three Roses]

You're definitely not alone! There are many times it takes me forever to get past that first step, sometimes it's just beyond me and I give up. Hang in there! 

[Not Alone]

I am doing better today. I feel like I was in a battle, even my body is sore, but I'm no longer in a place where the bullets are flying.

Blueberry, your words were very helpful to me. I felt like I was failing even more by not being able to handle the EF in a certain way. You reminded me that I was doing some things that were taking care of myself. Advising me to not worry about Walker's steps at that time was what I needed to hear. I laid on the floor with my bear, weighted blanket, comforting blanket and music. Thank you.

Three Roses, thank you for the assurance that I was not alone. Knowing that you sometimes give up on step one, helped me to not keep trying to do something that was beyond me at that time.

[Kizzie]

   Notalone, sorry to read you had a tough time.  I can really relate to "I feel like I was in a battle, even my body is sore"  I often feel like this after an EF in which the really angry/hurt part of me rises to the surface, very sore body and almost like I am hungover. It reminds me that Complex PTSD isn't just psychological, but very physical too. 

I'm not quite sure what I do when that part of me engages is the best strategy but usually I let her rage (in my head alone in a quiet dark bedroom - my H knows what's happening and leaves me alone), and get it out. It usually dissipates overnight and overall it does seem to be lessening.  Whenever I let the different parts of me speak I seem to feel better.     

[Hope67]

Hi notalone,
Just wanted to send you a compassionate and gentle hug    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today - and I hope you are ok.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, appreciate your words. I will keep the idea of letting that part rage in the back of my mind. Right now she is too scary and all her rage is directed at all my parts.

Hope, grateful for your hug and sending you one in return. 

[Blueberry]

I will keep the idea of letting that part rage in the back of my mind. Right now she is too scary and all her rage is directed at all my parts.

I sooo get this! I used to get absolutely overwhelmed by inner parts and their rage or fear. It was serious! And not something I could deal with on my own. I needed lots of work with Ts for this.

You're feeling what's going on and by not going into it, you're practising great self-care imo  

[Kizzie]

I will keep the idea of letting that part rage in the back of my mind. Right now she is too scary and all her rage is directed at all my parts.

I understand. Mine is directed at my abusers for the most part. I had to choke it all down and never got to express much of it so letting her rage doesn't really hurt me whereas in your case letting it would.

Maybe you could begin to tell that part of you the anger and rage belongs to those who abused you, not you?  Just a suggestion of course.