Looping and then causing damage

[Tee]

My biggest fear is that I'm going to screw up my two kids.  That my trauma is going to scar my two innocent children. 

I loop through my horror and get stuck in visual auditory flashbacks.  My body makes bruises from the past in the present.  There are times I don't sleep and I lose the ability to mask the trauma to be fine.

Why is it that when I try to be a good mom and do something like a girl scout campout with my 6 year old that I become the monster that I hate so much?

I hear my M voice coming out of my mouth directed at my sweet precocious little girl and it makes me sick.  " Why can't you just listen, you are ruining this for everyone, we can just leave!" And then in my absolutely no sleep looping state I end up swatting her butt or cheek to get her attention.😭😥😭😭. When she bursts into tears I immediately feel like the worse mom ever I apologise and try to fix it but by that point am looping so bad I just want make the pain stop.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do you keep yourself from damaging you own kids?

[Blueberry]

Tee, I don't have kids myself but I'm very worried that's what would happen if I did. My heart goes out to you when I read your post.

Last time I had significant contact (2days + overnight) with my godson, his 2 siblings and his mother, I was triggered no end and so I started acting like my mother too. Bad mood, controlling etc etc. Let's see, well, it's the triggering. You go into an EF and once there, it's not so easy to get out.

Do you have a therapist? Do you have anybody to relieve you with your daughter? I mean is there anybody who could give her those good times while you get more help for yourself? It's really hard to be there for somebody else (like your children) when you're in early phases of dealing with cptsd. Your own inner children are probably screaming for you (whether or not you recognise that) and then real, outer children feel like too much.

I hope some members with children respond to this and give you some concrete ideas on how to deal. 

[Tee]

I do have counseling,  and I'm doing the best I can.  It's worse when I'm not at home and around other people like camp outs. I turn into a horrible person. When I feel like others are judging my kids. At least my worse moments are infront of others instead of behind closed doors.

The only people around that could possibly help would be my parents.  Since my M is the one that screwed me up there's no way that's happening.

Still feel like a horrible person screwing up and scarring my amazing kids.

Thank you Blueberry

[Blueberry]

It's good to hear you're in counselling and I'm sure you're doing the best you can. I read on another post of yours that you've got a lot on your plate with cptsd as well so it's not surprising that you get triggered and snap under the strain. I mean, for those of us with no children and limited paid work, it's possibly easier to avoid triggers 24/7.

One thing occurred to me: did your M ever apologise to you for her behaviour? My M did once that I can remember which isn't much considering the amount of emotional and verbal (and other) abuse that went on. You apologised to your little daughter and you're working on yourself and trying to get better. If your M never did any of that, then you're miles ahead of her.

I tend to do a lot of over-the-top blaming when I see my own faults and think "I'm just as bad as M" whereas actually I'm not.

[Tee]

Thanks for that Blueberry. No my M is " perfect" in her minds eye.  She will never see the damage she has done and apologize.  *Trigger warning*  When I told her if other abuse and rape that was done by another perpetrator as a teen her response was well it's your fault too cause you lied.

I'm just struggling to break the loop and quite my screaming vicious voices at the moment.  I would do hurt someone else if they treated my kids the way I did, it is so hard.  When I talked to her again today she just shut down, and wouldn't talk to me.

For the most part staying busy has always been a coping mechanism for me for as far back as high school and college.  The more on my mind and plate the less time for me to fixate on my baggage. I know not the healthiest way to deal and definitely not helpful in trying to heal.

At this point though my kids are my both my anchor and sometimes my trigger.  I don't think I would still be here without them.  And the rest of work and school is to do better for them so I just have make it out of each hole I fall into.

You are right though I'm trying and need to try to give myself a break.  It's just hard to break the cycle.  Thanks for your support.

[MoonBeam]

Hi Tee. My heart goes out to you. Parenting is hard at the best of times and with our layers and layers of trauma it can feel impossible to separate whatever parenting moment we're in from all of the wreckage. I also know it is my ICr's most favorite way to annihilate me when I do lose it. The guilt and shame is enormous and I feel like I'm perpetuating the trauma and harming those whom I love the most.

Truth is we all lose our patience. It's going to happen. For me there are definitely times where it all bubbles out, I'm seriously triggered and the lid flies off. All we can do is try our best to reassure our littles that what happened (my reaction) isn't on them, give them a safe space to release the experience and love them up as best we can. And also really important--try to do it differently next time. That's what I can aim for. I don't always make it, but things are changing.

I try to take some time to pause and take some deep breaths when I feel a moment coming on. I ask myself, is this mine or do they really need correction (for lack of a better word)? I try to remember, their behavior isn't about me--it's not a personal attack on me--harder as they move into teen-hood. They are just doing their thing.

The other thing with parenting with cptsd is that, we're not supposed to have to parent all on our own and for me, due to lack of relationships in my life because of my trauma, I was always mostly alone. I also had a hard time trusting other people to take care of them, so getting time for me, or some help when I needed it was pretty much non-existent.

I know you said you M is not an option for support and keeping that boundary feels like you taking care of you and your kiddos. Are there other mama's who you might be able to set up mellow play-dates with or small groups you might be able to find support from? I'm finding that as I feel supported through therapy and this site, from a friendship I am working on building, I feel more resilient and therefor more able to step away from the cycle. Maybe there is a mama's group you might be able to explore?

Learning to love myself, and therefor parent myself, has been a pretty new part of this for me. When I love and care for my kiddos I try to remember I need the same loving care. I didn't get it as a child and in a way I'm re-creating the wheel. I do know I want things to be different for them and I just keep trying.

Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can right now and you love your children. You deserve care and love too. This is no small thing you are doing and asking for help is really important. Big  Tee. We're here for you.

[Tee]

Thank you MoonBeam for your support. I have pushed most "friends" away as I have been struggling through dealing with my traumas.  I have heard in to focused on the past I need to just let go and move on.  I'm too much to handle.  I'm have to much negativity for them.  So I've stopped reaching out for the most part. I have one good friend that I pick and choose what to take to her but if I'm really struggling I let her know. 

You are so right my ICr is destroying me.  The fact that my 6 year old shut down and wouldn't talk to me about what happened when I tried to apologize.  Almost sent me into another rage.😔. Instead I just said I'm sorry sweet girl it was a tired Mommy moment and I over reacted.  And left it at that.   But my ICr went on ranting see you don't deserve to be forgiven any way. How could you hurt your baby?... And the like...

Stuck in the loop for three days now thanks for the encouragement. I'm not sure how to break this cycle.

[Blueberry]

I have heard I'm too focused on the past I need to just let go and move on.

This is nonsense - based on ignorance about cptsd. My apologies if you know that on your own!

As for breaking the cycle, it sounds as if you're starting to do that already. For further help with ICr, you could check Pete Walker. If you don't have his book "From Surviving to Thriving", you can access a lot of the information online e.g. here http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Great response from MoonBeam It just sounds so much more down-to-earth from somebody who actually parents their own children, as opposed to me

[Blueberry]

I saw this on our website earlier today, could be helpful: https://www.outofthestorm.website/groups  https://www.facebook.com/login/?next=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fgroups%2F1940264039524328%2F
Parenting with PTSD, closed online discussion group for people parenting with (C)PTSD. If my copied link doesn't work, just scroll down to Parenting with PTSD

Obviously I haven't used it myself, but could be worth a try. Now or later.

[Tee]

Thank you Blueberry I really appreciate your support.
Apparently that group doesn't exist anymore. ‍