new here, not sure whats wrong with me

[lostronaut]

I am a 54 year old male, was diagnosed with learning disabilities as a child.  School was traumatic, cannot remember most of my childhood. Became an alcoholic and a drug addict as a young adult.  Diagnosed with bipolar, and "personality not otherwise specified with borderline and antisocial traits" in my thirties. I have had some success with CBT.  Medications would work but always quit working for me.  I stumbled across c ptsd on the net and it seems to fit me.  I have been on disability for over ten years, the reduction in stress due to no longer having to work has helped, but I am very still messed up and looking for ways to improve.

[Whobuddy]

Welcome, you will like it here. There is a lot of helpful information and a lot of caring people.

I like your pseudonym: lostronaut.

[C.]

Welcome and ditto to what others have said here.  Your self-awareness and perseverance are admirable.  If you see yourself and your experience w cptsd that's your truth.  I think and hope that you continue to find information and support on this forum as you heal.  Again, welcome.

[Trees]

Welcome, lostronaut,      I am glad you are on disability, though I am so sorry that it was necessary.  It can be isolating and alienating to not be able to work in the world.  Or at least that has been my own experience.  But you have found some coping strategies and you have found this site.  As everyone else has said, this is a safe and supportive place for people like you and me.  I have found that it has reduced my sense of isolation, and I hope it works that way for you, too!   

[lostronaut]

thank you,  just finally knowing that my panic attacks, my anxiety, my social awkwardness, my ineptitude at relationships my inexplicable bouts of unending tears are not because i am the vile debased worthless thing that i thought of myself as is .........is liberating, i have felt so broken and so alone, but just knowing where it comes from is like  losing an anchor from around my neck  .............. the only flashbacks i have are EFs, i had no idea they were flashbacks...............the thought of PTSD NEVER ONCE even crossed my mind, but i have read a lot the last two days.............and it all just fits

[lonewolf]

Welcome lostronaut. I can totally relate. Arriving here was like putting on new gloves that were made precisely to fit my hands. It was very liberating. There are some very wise and experienced folks here who will support you unconditionally.    to you.

[Rrecovery]

Hi lostronaut and welcome!

I hear  how much you have suffered and are suffering.  I hope this forum will be comforting and validating and helpful to you. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome lostronaut       I like your pseudonym too, but I'm glad to read  that you are not feeling quite so lost any more   

None of want to deal with CPTSD but at least once you do know about it and come to understand that you're injured rather than crazy it's like you do have a lighthouse to work your way toward.  And here we're doing it together rather than stumbling around in the darkness on our own so I'm glad you found your way to OOTS. 

There is a lot to read here and it is liberating, but it's also a lot to take in so you might want to take it slowly as it can be overwhelming. Again welcome and I look forward to reading more of your posts