Surviving through the fog-triggered by my birthday

[Ecowarrior888]

I express myself through my sketches and paintings. Sometimes thats the only way I can release the pent up emotions that I don't know how to handle: anger, resentment, and just a jumble of things that for whatever reason my mind cannot process. This time I know the reason, tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 28. Huge trigger date. My abuser was awesome at ruining the month of May for me. And these sketches pretty much illustrate what I have been trying to survive all week.... brain fog. I keep dissociating. When I look in the mirror its like someone else is looking back at me. I cannot receive information given to me regardless of what it is. I hope I come back soon....I hope my mind clears up soon... 

[Three Roses]

I have no words for you, but want you to know you are heard. I'm glad you are here.

[RiverRabbit]

I hate mirrors.  I never like what is looking back at me.

So, I hear what you are saying.

Birthdays are a day about me, which is kind of like a day acting like a mirror.

I am sorry that your day has been made into such a bad thing as well.

If it feels safe, please share any art you create as you process through this month.  I think it will help you and the rest of us.

[Ecowarrior888]

Thank you Three roses.
River rabbit:
I get you, I don't have any mirrors at my place. Just the standard bathroom that comes with the apartment. Its very triggering. I'm sorry if your birthday is a bad thing too.

And thank you, I've been scared to post again. Have had a hard time drawing and painting in general. But it helps so much to hear how you guys see it, because you get it. Makes me feel understood and less alone.

[Kizzie]

Love your art EcoWarrior, but sad they are the result of trauma associated with your birthday.  It just may be that as you draw and talk about this more it will make room for future birthdays that are more positive and celebratory than rife with trauma. That's my birthday wish for you. 

[Ecowarrior888]

Love your art EcoWarrior, but sad they are the result of trauma associated with your birthday.  It just may be that as you draw and talk about this more it will make room for future birthdays that are more positive and celebratory than rife with trauma. That's my birthday wish for you. 

Wow thank you so much Kizzie.... I truly hope so.
Yesterday was a good day overall but I still had a panic attack regardless of my medication, my coping mechanisms and seeing my friends throughout the day. We even moved our celebration to today because it is the day itself that is so triggering. Susceptible to all kinds of triggers and emotional flashbacks. I just felt so much pain, anger and resentment. Which honestly, I don't know how to deal with. I don't know how to express that....I wasn't allowed....
Overall besides the panic attack....it was a good day.

Thank you everyone < now to get through the rest of the month of May with 3 major trigger dates.

[bluepalm]

Ecowarrior888 your drawing is really expressive. The way you've depicted the weight of the world on your shoulders, your legs straining to cope is just wonderful. The fogginess erasing your features. I really appreciate seeing your depictions of these feelings. In my view this has to be the most true and intense reason to draw - to convey feelings. To help manage those feelings. My heart goes out to you for feeling this way but I also thank you for sharing these wonderful drawings. Your drawings allow me to feel less alone with similar feelings. So that's got to be good hasn't it - you are giving to others, despite your pain, through your art.

[Kizzie]

 Keep on posting both words and your art, as Bluepalm suggests they help not only you but us as well