Feeling shame **Trigger warning**

[MoonBeam]

I don't want to post this, to admit this, but I feel afraid that hiding it is only going to make it worse. I do things daily that are harmful to me--drink too much, smoke cigarettes, don't eat, eat too much, hate on myself, but last night I cut for the first time in decades. I was trying to create a timeline of the abuse, trying to make sense of things in my mind. I've only recently begun to remember things and it became overwhelming. I've had impulses to cut again since beginning to look at my childhood trauma (just started T about10 months ago). I cut when I was a teen. Trying to remember why--what I was trying to achieve. I've read the articles about SH and a lot of it fits.

Last night was impulsive. I understand I was seeking relief, but I'm so ashamed. I feel like it's an isolated incident. I don't want to tell my T and that's why I'm posting here. Keeping it a secret is only giving it power, just like all of the terrible things. I feel like I need to be accountable and my inner critic is running with it. I don't want to start looking at what it means or that it is an indication of worse. I want to believe it was because I was in pain. I made a poor choice and that's it.

[Blueberry]

Moonbeam, I do SH too though not cutting. As you said - poor choice in that moment but please try to be kind to yourself now and not let your ICr. run with it. By opening up here about it, you are being accountable.

It does sound to me as if you did it on impulse because you were overwhelmed. Creating a timeline of abuse and recovering memories can be just too much. No reason to feel ashamed.   A gentle supportive  if it's good for you atm.

[Three Roses]

It's okay that you experienced a brief relapse - it's totally understandable. I offer an understanding, empathetic  if you want one.

"It's not how often you fall - it's how often you get back up again." 

[MoonBeam]

Blueberry and Three Roses, I can't tell you how much your responses have eased my  heart and mind. Thank you so much for hearing me and not judging. I'm so grateful.
I wrote "I am worthy" on my arm to remind me there are other ways to be.

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam,
Glad you posted. I think secrets do loose power when shared. You probably were trying to get relief from the pain. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Sending you care in your pain and shame. Understand. 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you notalone. I really appreciate the support.

[Hope67]

Hi MoonBeam,
I would also like to send you a gentle hug if that's ok 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Thank you Hope. I so appreciate the  .

I shared a bit in my journal regarding, but wanted to update here, I did bring it up in T. I was feeling deep shame when sharing, but as I had received so much support here it felt like a risk worth taking. My T was super supportive as well and I feel like I should get it through my head, she's not going to abandon me, but I'm still afraid I'm going to do something that will prove I'm too much, not worthy, for anyone who cares about me. I'm grateful that's not the case.

The part I didn't anticipate is even after regretting my action so intensely, I still feel the prevalence of the impulse to act out in SH behavior. I'm hoping after processing this latest trigger, which seems like a big one, the impulse will fall away. I do think its very much related to my earlier years where I had no outlet for painful experiences. I need grown-up me to step in and keep all parts of me safe.

[Not Alone]

Hi MoonBeam,

Glad you told your therapist and that she was kind and supportive. I also sometimes fear that some day my therapist will say, "You are too crazy for me!" So far that hasn't happened and there have been some very rough waters.

I haven't SH in decades, yet after diving into dealing with CSA, the temptation has been there, sometimes very strong. I don't have answers, but want you to know that I understand having that impulse.