One Year of Therapy

[Not Alone]

Brief history: Was in therapy decades ago. Then I functioned fairly well for many years. Things started falling apart and one year ago I started individual therapy.

Today is the one year anniversary of beginning this round of therapy. It would be very easy to look at the mountains ahead and feel discouraged, defeated, and down on myself. There have been a lot of times that felt like I had fallen into deep, muddy crevices and spent a fair amount of time there. The winding, rocky terrain has been a slow three steps forward, two steps back. I am still trusting that Jesus is leading me on this journey. Although slow and difficult, I am believing that even the times stuck in the mud have had meaning and purpose. Here are some gains or growths in the last year.

•   Have gone from thinking that if I did not get every detail of a memory correct, I could not trust the memory, to knowing that the memories don't need to be recalled perfectly to have significance and validity.
•   Learned about grounding, been practicing grounding and am getting better at it.
•   Previously, when I tried to take a deep breath, it felt like an iron cage around my chest and stomach. Now I am usually able to take deep breaths. I only feel the iron cage occasionally instead of almost all the time.
•   When I emailed my therapist, almost every time I would think (and sometimes write) that he must hate me, I am a bother to him, he must be sorry that I am his client. Those thoughts are less frequent and I am usually able to counter them with what he has said.
•   I've reached out to friends and have a core group that support me.
•   Got a part-time job. Even though it is really difficult sometimes, I am able to go to work and give to clients.
•   Taught one junior high class once a week, even though many times I was in really bad shape the night before.
•   Told my kids that I was sexually abused.
•   Most of wall of not believing myself has come down. Have gone from not believing at 75% to 15%.
•   Aware that there are different "Parts" and not freaked out about it.
•   Have gone from spending hours every day, on the floor, covered by a blanket to occasionally being on the floor with a blanket for a relatively brief length of time.
•   Have not self-harmed, even though the temptation has been present, sometimes very intensely.
•   Some of the Parts look like photos of me. (More acceptance that the abuse happened to me.)

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

sounds like significant progress to me.  whittling away at those neg. beliefs, resisting sh urges, and bolstering pos. beliefs about yourself and your relationship w/ your t are huge steps, to my mind.  what a positive direction you're headed in.  congrats!

keep up the good work.  we know how much time, energy, and determination it takes to move forward.  i agree w/ you that even when we're stuck in the muck, it may look like we're not moving, but that doesn't mean it's true.  well done!     love and hugs to you.

[Hope67]

Hi notalone
I think you've made significant progress too - 
Every point on your list is so significant.   
Hope 

[Kizzie]

 

Well done Notalone   

[woodsgnome]

What a great summary, Notalone.

Therapy isn't everything, plus there are so many T's who either aren't informed, flexible enough to learn, or sadly even interested in the wacky world of cptsd and its variants. While they're confused, some never imagine what it must be like on this end. So it's nice to see you seem to have found a therapist who values what's going on and works with you to help you see past those foreboding mountains.

Thanks for the peek into the essence of  therapy. Not by any stretch is that an easy process and sometimes can scare one right back out the door (I bailed several times before finding my current T around 3 1/2 years ago).

From the sounds of it, you probably do a lot of work alone on this, but it's such a great help, when someone like a reliable, insightful T can give just the boost needed at the very times you need it.

[MoonBeam]

Hi notalone. I really appreciate your post. Your list is amazing. You have achieved so much.

With our similar paths... I came out of hard times in my early 20's and was functional for many years, only to essentially fall off the cliff now in my 40's. I'm coming up on my one-year anniversary of beginning therapy after decades and I think it's time for some positive reflection as well.

Thank you once again, for the inspiration and for being here and journeying with all of us. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you everyone for your affirming and encouraging words. I really felt all those emotional "hugs." 

[Feral Child]

Dear notalone,

Your post is so heart-warming to me.  I can tell you have been working hard to overcome and make peace with the past.  You are an inspiration to me and I am certain to many of us here.

I send you a big hug  and many thanks. 

[Three Roses]

I am happy for you that you recognize all your accomplishments! Bravo! 

[Not Alone]

Feral Child & 3R: Thank you for your replies and encouragement. It means a great deal to me.