Body Flashbacks

[dutchierich]

I'm having lots of flashbacks lately. Years ago, when they first started, it was pretty much all mental, just seeing little snippets of the abuse in my mind. Then, with therapy and time they came together at the edges and there was a more cohesive mental 'movie.' But now I'm starting to have flashbacks with other senses. I can smell the smells again. I can feel the parts of my body being abused, as if it's happening all over again. It's seriously awful. I'm just having them right now and I don't know where else to go for help so I thought of posting here.

[Deep Blue]

Hello,
I know how awful that can be.  I have severe body memories as well.  My flashbacks are usually visual and auditory.  Lately I've had other senses involved as well.

What I did most recently was to make sure I was in a safe place and then I wrote about it here on the forum and tried to sit with the emotions.  The day I wrote it was very difficult but the following day, I saw responses from the forum and it really helped.

Take good care.  In my experience the body memories and flashbacks can be one of the most difficult parts of cptsd.

[dutchierich]

Hi Deep Blue,
Thanks for your response! I'm so sorry to hear that you've also had these horrible body flashbacks, as I call them. It's always a relief when I read that someone else has the same kind of symptoms, it makes me feel more normal for some reason.

When you say that you wrote about it on the forum, do you mean that you wrote down what was happening to your body? I mean the feelings you were having?

If so, I don't know if I'm brave enough to write it out and tell someone else. It's new information for me still, and I don't even want to tell the details to my wife. It's scary to say what happened/is happening now. I remember in therapy that was the most beneficial part, though, saying it out loud to someone else. Ugh, it's so gross. I hate to even think about it cuz it's just so gross, then it makes my body feel it. But I can't go to therapy anymore. I wish I could.

[Deep Blue]

Yes,
I wrote about it on the forum in my journal last week.  It was very difficult but I was at the end of my rope so to speak.  In mine, I tend to relive PA.  I can't breathe and it feels as if I'm being hit again.  Sometimes I smell things like baby powder motor oil, because they were there as well. 

You don't need to be sorry for having similarities with me.  I feel better when I know others have walked the same path too.  I hate the body memories too. They really take the breath out of me.  I would never be able to tell anyone about them in person except my T.  The forum is a safer place for me and I hope you can feel that way too.

Let us know if you need anything.  We are always willing to lend an ear and help if we can 

[Three Roses]

Body flashbacks are very real and very disturbing. Our bodies have memories, too. I remember one particularly strong one where the left side of my face went numb, and stayed that way for three days.

I'm sorry you're having these but I hope you'll find some comfort in knowing you are not alone. We'll be here if you ever decide you would like to write about some of the experiences you've had. It's been a comfort to me to read people's understanding, sympathetic responses and know I'm not alone.

[LKC]

I appreciate you sharing and wanted to share you are not alone in this. I have been having a significant increase in flashbacks of all kinds lately. It is so difficult because they feel alienating. It doesn't feel like I can just talk to friends or even my husband about flashbacks. I also have some flashbacks that at times don't even have a visual at the time. It is like my body is triggered back to the original feelings and it is terrifying and hard to describe to people who haven't experienced that.

[Tee]

**TW**

Body flashbacks and senses are really hard to deal with. They put me right back in the middle of what's was happening.  I have things that go with mine that my therapist calls muscle memory I wonder if anyone has heard of.

Not only does it feel like I'm being raped and beaten or tied down, but I end up with bruises on my body to match the looping flashback.  For the most part this happens at night in the few hours I get of sleep, but I have actually sat in a full flashback state and watched the marks appear.

This does two things the bruises then hurt and continue to trigger me and cause me to loop.  It also terrifies me that someone is going to see them and think I'm currently being abused. 

They get worse on anniversary dates of when he was putting me back in my place. 

** Big Trigger Warning **

This week is one of them I found out he got me pregnant, but instead he tied me up, beat and raped me till I lost.  I'm currently black and blue hoping to brake the loop quickly this year.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear you're going thru a rough time Tee.    You may want to see a physician about the  bruising just to make sure it's not related to an underlying physical issue (not meaning to scare you, just suggesting it might be a good idea to check).

[Tee]

Thanks Kizzie they come and go in the same places based on which flashback I'm stuck in. It is a bizarre for sure but a mental thing.