Narcs on Parade

[LittleBoat]

When does it stop?   Do the Narcs of our past conspire to come out of the woodwork at the same time?  I feel like there's one of those little circus cars following me around, and they're tumbling out like clowns.   First, on Mother's Day, my Narc mom came out in full regalia and played a game of "gotcha," figuring out a way to reach me and try to hurt me on Mother's Day, and I'm NC with her and very LC with most of my family.   But.... gotcha! 

Now a man who I dated in college and broke up with in 1983 is back in my life, along with some other college friends, to collaborate on some poetry projects with me and one other poet fellow.  The reunion of Old Boyfriend, me, and the other poet fellow was happy and very constructive and creative.  For a while. 

But now ex-boyfriend keeps sending me inappropriate, frantic, accusatory, yearny texts and emails more and more frequently.  He has been married for decades to the same woman, and he has two grown sons.  I am in a very happy, straightforward second marriage, myself.  These missives sound pretty Narc-y to me, in that, he'll do or say anything to get a rise out of me.  Creepy.  It's like he is in some kind of "I don't want you to break up with me/ you're so mean" loop. 

I am just recovering from my mother's nonsense.  Now I see her in his behavior. 

And it makes sense.  How many of us get romantically involved with someone who exhibits the same pathologies that we grew up with?  Why?  Because it's all we know?  Because it's familiar and somehow comfortable?  I left my mother's house, met this guy right away in college and fell in love.  Now I can see this pattern.  I left him and married a guy who also turned out to be a Narc. 

My current husband says I need to tell him to knock it off.  The plan is, ask him if he would send frantic, romantic emails to our other poet friend fellow.  Or if he would cc these rants to his wife?  Or to my husband?  Or, how would he like it if I forwarded them to his wife, to the other poet fellow we've been collaborating with, to the other poet fellow's wife, to my husband, and, why not, the larger group of college friends we're now back in touch with?

That way, I guess, he'll have his own tiny clown car with all those folks spilling out into his little world?   I like the idea of nipping it in the bud this way.  My concern is that he will only ramp up his communications to the point of harassment.  I mean, really, how could I be so mean?

Suggestions?

Thank you,
LittleBoat

[Three Roses]

That way, I guess, he'll have his own tiny clown car with all those folks spilling out into his little world?

This made me chuckle - I got a visual of a little car, clowns spilling out, and running after him as he ran away horrified...

Your safety should be foremost in your mind, imo. Maybe you should have an appropriate authority contact him since he seems to not be cluing in to your discomfort. (Or maybe that's what he wants, you to be uncomfortable.  ) If you shine a light on his secret behavior it may discourage him. Just my opinion tho. Be safe.

[Kizzie]

My current husband says I need to tell him to knock it off.  The plan is, ask him if he would send frantic, romantic emails to our other poet friend fellow.  Or if he would cc these rants to his wife?  Or to my husband?  Or, how would he like it if I forwarded them to his wife, to the other poet fellow we've been collaborating with, to the other poet fellow's wife, to my husband, and, why not, the larger group of college friends we're now back in touch with?

Sounds like you clearly know how his behaviour is inappropriate - my only suggestion is to tell him as calmly as possible what he is doing is inappropriate and why, and that you do not want him to email you any more. I'm suggesting staying calm so as not to ignite N injury/rage if he indeed has NPD. Just "here's my boundary, don't violate it any more" - straightforward and firm.

If he continues then it's probably something beyond NPD which may mean your safety is at risk and you do need to take things a step further and involve the law as TR has suggested.

 

[Not Alone]

Sounds like you clearly know how his behaviour is inappropriate - my only suggestion is to tell him as calmly as possible what he is doing is inappropriate and why, and that you do not want him to email you any more. I'm suggesting staying calm so as not to ignite N injury/rage if he indeed has NPD. Just "here's my boundary, don't violate it any more" - straightforward and firm.

If he continues then it's probably something beyond NPD which may mean your safety is at risk and you do need to take things a step further and involve the law as TR has suggested.

Agree with what Kizzie and TR said. I don't know technology, but after telling him to stop, is there a way to block him from your email?