A Re-Entry..

[Phoebes]

Firstly, I've been away for a long while after my computer having an unfortunate accident, and I wasn't able to get another one until now. So, I hope you guys will forgive my disappearance. I've really missed this group and the support, knowing others are going through this stuff.

That said, I've had weeks, even months, where I seem to have very positive shifts in energy and attitude, my brain seemingly changing and my body more relaxed. I can process through things faster, and my body doesn't take the toll it once did. Then like a couple of weeks ago, I unexpectedly slip back, have flashbacks and dissociate, and all the side effects of that. I have bouts of very deep, almost debilitating depression.

I quit drinking, thinking this would help a lot. It did, in the way of sleeping better, more energy. I got really into it..This Naked Mind..really ENJOYED not drinking. Know it's much better for my health and can see it does not relieve, but makes stress worse. But, I had a couple of occasions where I wanted a drink, and now slipped back to 2,3,4 per night. While I was not drinking, of course, I could FEEL so much more clearly.  Which is a good thing. But these feelings can be too much at times.

Lately, I've realized from layers of memories having come to the surface, how systematically and intentionally I was sabotaged from an early age. I have always blamed myself, for everything. My failures in all areas of life. But, remembering from an early age what happened each time I expressed an interest, a passion, a thought, something that was "me", something I wanted to try or KNEW I was meant to do..I was first berated and ridiculed, belittled..and if I insisted or kept asking, I was raged at and denied access to these interests. PATHS I wanted to be on. Constructive, GOOD paths that would have led me places.

I blame myself I didn't just do them anyway when I "turned 18" and now, well, ANY TIME. I am middle aged now. Where have I been?? I blame myself I could not see what was happening and WHY. I just thought I was faulty. But another thing I realized, aside from just feeling unworthy, is that when I have TRIED to follow some of my original dreams I had at a later age, I felt paralyzed. I have recently remembered and realized feeling as though, through my mom's reactions from early on through adulthood, that I was somehow deeply hurting her by doing these things. Sometimes the best she could come up with was raging and shaming that I was "too old to be so 'rebellious.' That it was 'such and unattractive look on someone your age', that if I was going to do those things (that I had always tried to do but she prevented me) then I should have stared them sooner!" All of this constant messages and sabotage unfortunately wore me down at times I guess. Ive never succeeded, and I feel it is all my fault. I feel as an adult I should have been able to get past it and do "me."

I'm really struggling with my job, boss, career choice, extracurricular stuff, friends, loneliness, I'm all over the place.

Well, this got long for an introductory, or re-entry post. I've just been struggling, haven't been able to find a therapist on my insurance or who I can afford who is even trauma informed, but less knows anything about this (had an awful experience last try)..I just want to get back to those upswings where I am feeling worthy and more empowered.

[woodsgnome]

Good to see your re-entry here. 

Not so great knowing of the tough times you've encountered, even interspersed with the upsides. But maybe those better feelings will finally begin to overtake the old return to habits formed from an early age.

Unfortunately, I know those feelings well. I'm someone who should be well past letting old stuff cripple and threaten me with rage, hopelessness, and despair. But it happens, over and over. I try to overcome, and sometimes it seems like I've crossed the bridge and then ... the bridge disappears, as in a fairytale, a scary one at that.

The important thing is that you've made it back. I hope your return serves you well as you continue building towards recovery. 

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Woodsgnome- that is a very accurate metaphor. The disappearing bridge. I struggle to even remember how I made so much progress at times. What was the key to that? Oh well, I probably am making progress..it's just a backslide.

It really helps to hear from you and know that I'm not alone in this experience.

[Ecowarrior888]

Thank you, Woodsgnome- that is a very accurate metaphor. The disappearing bridge. I struggle to even remember how I made so much progress at times. What was the key to that? Oh well, I probably am making progress..it's just a backslide.

It really helps to hear from you and know that I'm not alone in this experience.

You are not alone in this experience. I am feeling the same way. I feel like I was to a point where I was confident in my abilities in my career. I was drawing every day and independently making plans to look forward to something. However, now I am triggered due to my birthday and it's like all that went out the window. I feel like the floor is falling beneath me. I don't know what is "fun" anymore. My  husband says to go through the motions. That's why I joined this support group. Not going to lie, it helps me knowing I am not alone in this feeling. It is so disillusioning when you slide backwards but hopefully which each backslide we climb back up stronger.

[Tee]

Welcome back!
I'm 39 and when my perfectly held together box of abuse broke open and I could no longer keep my junk hidden.  I could no longer do what I initially went to school for to be a teacher it was too triggering.  So I currently work in food service.  I'm going back to school to peruse a field I want.  It's not too late to follow your dreams. 

I hope you find a therapist that will help encourage you.