At a loss

[zeekoctane]

I don't know where to start. It has been a long week (or life) and I am looking for ideas or help. My CPTSD is a result of coming from a single parent home with the only parent having BPD. It was very difficult and still is. My mom died about 9 years ago and I thought it would get easier because she wasn't breathing down my neck, but it has not. The plot thickens because my husband of 23ish years does not think CPTSD is real and I should just get over it because every one has a rough childhood. He has continued to blame me for all of his life problems because somehow I created them. I am, apparently the reason for all of his life struggles. For the past 3 years, he has been on many very heavy hitting medications for an injury and has been increasingly coming down on me for wrecking his life. His mood swings are directly related to the cycle of medication in the day. I feel helpless because I know he acts the way he does primarily because of the medication, but that does not stop the hurt. He has now resorted to lecturing me in the same manner that my mom did for my entire life. In a nut shell, he is my trigger and my mom now. I have been in therapy to try and resolve childhood issues but it has become complicated with his "new" role.
Any ideas would be appreciated.

[Three Roses]

A therapist would be very useful in this situation. He or she would be able to guide you through this in ways that would be helpful. It's next to impossible to heal from the past when it's being repeated in the present. It would be like trying to patch someone up while they're still in the middle of a boxing match.

You may find useful ideas and support at the Out of The Fog site, https://outofthefog.website.  (He sounds like he may be a narcissist or have narcissistic tendencies.) There is also a supportive forum there. Their sections describe what it's like to be in a relationship with an individual who suffers from a personality disorder, with helpful articles on Do's and Don'ts.

This brief YouTube video may have some ideas that might work when you are in a situation where you have to respond to your husband.
https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

You say your husband

does not think CPTSD is real and I should just get over it because every one has a rough childhood.

CPTSD is not an illness, it is an injury. It is caused by our exposure to multiple traumatic events that are perpetrated on us by people we depend on and from which we feel there is no escape. It is not in how you think, and it is not in your imagination.

Finally, if you ever feel you're in danger, http://www.hotpeachpages.net has lists of resources for people who are experiencing domestic abuse.

Please keep us updated, we care about you!

[zeekoctane]

Thank you. I will look them up. This is not an impossible situation, but very overwhelming.

[Kizzie]

It is overwhelming Zeekoctane and that can make it difficult to think/feel/act which is why our sister site is called "Out of the Fog" and we're "Out of the Storm." You've taken the first step by coming here so you can talk about what is going on, bring down that sense of being overwhelmed and figure out what to do.             Out of the Fog has a lot of good tools for dealing with someone who suffers from a PD if that's the case for your H.

The next step might be to find a trauma therapist - there is some useful info here and helpful forms here. 

Also, there's an info sheet about CPTSD for families here you could give to your H and gauge whether he is at all receptive to hearing about what you're genuinely struggling with. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Zee
May I ask were there problems in the relationship before the meds and its increased since?
The projection of someone's difficulties on a close person is so very hard and hurtful.. Is your husband in any way able to see his behaviour is not right?
I know from my own recovery that being able to stand up and say what is not acceptable has been important for me and to clearly state my boundaries..
Sometimes people need a shock as to what the potential consequences of their behaviour is..
Also to speak to others about what I need is very important..
I hope you are not in any danger in the relationship...

[Tee]

I agree with everything that has been said already, but have just a little more to add.  As I have been on my roller coaster of healing, dealing, and at times falling apart my husband of 18 years has had to try and figure out what the heck was going on with me at any given moment.  I have been through a lot and as my trauma has resurfaced things have gotten rough.  I have changed my husband has had to learn to deal with me differently. 

He has also gone through boughts of depression and I'll be honest sometimes I have pulled away and been like screw you I don't care what your going through I have to take care of me.  I'm not saying that's the best move for marriage but at the time I mentally couldn't take caring for my kids, myself, and my husband acting like a jerk. 

I have set boundaries with him that he is like where did that come from?  You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. You are not alone.  Good luck navigating the medication maze.

[zeekoctane]

Thank you all. I have tried many times to get him to read up on CPTSD but he is not interested. My healing process has been long and drawn out because he is not very supportive of me. He wants a quick fix for my problems so he can get on with his life. I find myself saying, "I'm sorry." about a million times a week. I know this is not my fault, but I still feel the need to say it. I have recently switched to a new T who has offered me many positive approaches to help myself, but not so much on how to interact with my H.

There has always been a bit of a struggle in our marriage because of my CPTSD, but it has come to an overwhelming pinnacle since his injury (meds). I have all I can do to keep my son's life normal. I do not want him to suffer the consequences of such rough waters. There are things I have to do because of the medications (i.e. sleep on the couch to make sure he is not cooking in the middle of the night and burn the house down or driving because he has no memory of what he does). I feel the need to stay awake to keep my son safe because what if my H thinks there is a burglar when really it is my son.. These actions (too many to list) compound my already complicated actions from dealing with CPTSD. I do not get rest and cannot focus on healing myself.

[Kizzie]

Forgive me for being blunt Zee but from what you've described it sounds like life is not normal or more importantly safe for your son and won't be until your H changes/reduces meds. It's potentially a life threatening situation and you being on guard 24/7 is not possible to maintain.

Is there somewhere you and your son or your H could go until his medication issues are sorted out? Can you talk to your doctor about his behaviour on the medication? 

[zeekoctane]

I have spoken with his doctors and they say it is fine. I have made arrangements with my brother and our bags are set if we need to go. The problem is my H has no one to care for him. We have been close a few times, but have not gone. I feel like a person who is between a rock and a hard place. Maybe I can find my strength here. Thank you for caring.

[Three Roses]

You are important. You are worthy of safety. You are worthy of being believed. Your story is true. You are strong and courageous even if you don't feel it.

Most of all, you are worth taking care of, even at the expense of others who are not taking care of themselves. It's honorable that you feel compassionate toward him, but you and your child are and should be the highest priority.

Gentle, supportive hugs to you as you navigate these rough waters.

[Tee]

See if I were you I would document the episodes that your H is having to full extent of the scariness including cooking and trying to drive and not remembering, thinking your son is a burglar, take those back to his doctor.  Tell him you fear for the safety of your son and yourself with him and you don't feel safe leaving him alone because he doesn't remember what he does and something needs to change.

Make the doctor listen and if he doesn't ask him for a second opinion.  Above all you need to keep you and your son safe.   . Good luck!

[Kizzie]

We try not to give advice here Zeek but in cases where a member's safety or that of their families is at risk, we're basically compelled to. I have to agree with Tee that your H's behaviour is something you need to revisit with his your doctor (or see another for a 2nd opinion) given it is putting all of you at risk.

[zeekoctane]

Thankyou. I have an appointment set for the 1st. I don't mean to be wishy-washy, I guess I am just tired.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Zeek, I've learnt I can come and be how I am here with no judgement..
Relationships can be difficult and putting my needs before a partners has not always been easy for me...
Sending u all best wishes rest well

[Tee]

Be safe