Breaking the Blame Hamster Wheel

[goblinchild]

Hi, loooong time no see! I came back because I've been spending time with my family and I discovered a heinous little cycle I didn't realize was there but it's been ruling my life! I felt like I needed to share.

I had a discussion with my mother last night about our relationship and (as always...) when I start focusing on any problem she may potentially be responsible for, she brings the conversation back around to me and my faults (real or imagined) and how, actually, perhaps this indeed is not her fault and there is no problem but maybe there is something wrong with me instead.

It got me thinking, when I'm upset about other things in my life that mentality is my go-to. Perhaps there's something wrong with me. I always think that there's some way for me to do something better when something goes wrong, as if I could prevent it. When I was little, my father would treat me that way when I was happy about things. As if, actually, this expression that I'm having and this thing that I like is a bad thing. I can think of so many examples it's crazy.

And when I'm with my grandparents (I lived with them for a time too) I always feel like I can't emote or express myself genuinely because they don't like it when I have real reactions to the way they behave. They'll gaslight me and try to convince me that my expressions are weird and disordered and that actually, out there in the real world, they're the normal ones and I have no idea how the world works. They also end up having ridiculous expectations about what I should tolerate and what I should be able to do and when I can't because I have needs and feelings it's like the sky is falling. I feel like I've done something wrong or I'm acting unreasonable.

It's no wonder I'm constantly analyzing myself! Every time I have a genuine feeling, every time something is wrong, "Maybe there's something wrong with me?"! I'm trying to find the thing that's wrong. But! I think it's a cycle. Because the thing is, all of them act like that because they don't analyze themselves. They rope me in because they don't want to deal with their own stuff. So I'm stuck here thinking, "If I stop looking for the thing that's wrong with me, I will suddenly be just like them!"

I'm afraid I'll become a bad person if I stop analyzing myself but I'm analyzing myself because I think I've already done something wrong! Damned if I do, damned if I don't, right? I don't have the answer, but I feel like I associate giving myself a break with the way they never think they're doing anything wrong or how they make excuses for themselves by blaming me. Maybe I just need to learn the difference between giving myself a break and blaming?

[Tee]

 I think looking at our own actions is the only way to stop the cycle that or Foo started.  I have a hard time sometimes stopping the ICr though from wreaking havock though so I totally get where you are coming from. Take it one step at a time.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, trying to find reason in the unreasonable system we found / find ourselves trapped in is something I struggle with a lot.

I have to make a conscious effort to stop it when I ruminate over what I could have done to make others act differently. In reality, their actions are not mine and I can't be responsible for them.

I have to admit this, things are becoming a bit easier now that both my parents have passed away. The continuing daily grind of questions is no longer there. I do have other issues about myself I need to address now but things are definitely easier in that regard.

Good luck with all this, remember you are not responsible for others' actions, even close relatives should be accountable for their own, as adults. This stuff does have a habit of getting right under the skin, at least it did for me.

I did the whole bad person thing too and still do more often than I'd like. If it helps, maybe try to see your family's bad behaviour and your own recovery as two different things. That way, you can give yourself some space to take 'time off' without worrying you are sliding into their behaviours. You can keep one eye on that while giving yourself permission to just be, for a while.

Good luck and remember you are worthy of compassion, sometimes the hardest person to be compassionate toward is ourself.

[Jazzy]

Its tricky to find a balance. I think it's bad to never analyze yourself, but its also bad to immediately blame yourself, or get stuck cycling. When something happens, I try to review the situation, analyze my (re)actions briefly, and conclude I was fine, or make a mental note of how I can do better next time.

Sounds simple right? Oh boy is it difficult to do though! If I get stuck cycling, I try to find some way of distracting myself. It might take a lot, but otherwise I can talk myself in to an answer that isn't really true. Hope this helps somehow. Take care!