Proceeding With Caution: A Journal

[Tee]

  there are triggers words for me to that should be encouragement, but were used for abuse so still trigger me so I get that.  I'm trying to get to the point I'm able to take them back, and and currently able to say them to others on occasion without being triggered but if directed towards me it's still really hard for awesome, and amazing not to send me directly into a flashback.

[Just Hatched]

Thanks Snowdrop, that makes sense to me 

edit: and thanks Tee, I posted this before seeing your reply 

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TW: a scary nightmare.

I already made an entry today, but  just remembered a dream I had last night, more a like a nightmare really. Weird dreams are not unusual for me but last night was extra weird. I woke up from it in  a state of fear just after 4am, scared to go back to sleep. I put my soothing adult bed time stories back on, and drifted back to sleep, right back into the same dream, that's never happened before.

I was on a course or workshop, in a place that was dark, with lots of very strange looking things scattered around everywhere. There was a long table which all of the participants were suppose to sit around. I had come with a friend, not someone I actually know in real life, but in the dream, this person was supposed to be my friend. But as soon as we got to the place, she deserted me and went and sat at one end of the table without me, I tried to join her, but was quickly pushed out of the way as all the seats that end of the table were taken by other females. So I walked to the other end, where all the males were. They weren't exactly human looking males, and looked like they were from various alien species. All the seats that end of the table were taken too, I tried to squeeze in somewhere, but didn't fit, so I stood awkwardly behind someone, waiting for someone in authority to arrive, to find me a seat, but they never did.

There were lots of weird looking things on the table, I didn't recognize what anything was. It seemed like we were supposed to figure out what to do with this stuff, and everyone else got started, experimenting with the objects, chatting, exchanging ideas, offering suggestions, basically helping each other, but I was standing behind everyone and couldn't even reach the table, so I didn't have a chance. I wanted to take part, these things looked interesting, but I couldn't. No one arrived to guide us or tell us what to do, but everyone else didn't seem to care, and were having a great time, making progress, but I couldn't even get started, I felt like I was being left behind.

Then we were moving along a corridor, going to another part of the course. We were moving as a group, and then it opened up into a large area. The scenery was like from another planet. Sizes of everything were different from everything I'd ever seen. There were huge vehicles 4 or 5 stories high, tall and narrow, moving around, in between blocks of buildings which were towering up into the sky. These trucks would disappear into tiny, invisible openings in the buildings, then come back out again. There were no windows in anything, and everything had been painted the same shade of beige, even the ground. The previous colors of everything was slightly visible underneath the beige paint, it was like they had been given a very rough coat of this new color, so that everything looked the same. The course participants were wandering around, just looking at what was going on. Then we were somewhere else, walking through very dark alleyways, there was danger all around. Flashing lights, and the darkness was catching up, we had to keep going, keep moving with the flashing light or whatever was in the darkness would engulf us and we would be gone. The pathway was narrow and twisting and things would jump out from hidden alcoves. I was terrified and exhausted and confused and couldn't keep going, I was about to be swallowed up by the darkness when I woke up suddenly with adrenaline racing through me.

I calmed down eventually and tried going back to sleep, and went right back into the same scenario. The beige area was now being repainted with lots of different colors, most of it was completed and it looked much nicer and more of a friendly kind of place. It was getting late (in the dream) and we were supposed to be getting ready for dinner and bed. We had sort of bare racks, made of wood to sleep on, like rows and rows of bunk beds, with no mattresses. Everyone else had eaten, but I had been gone. Someone told me where to get some food, but it was confusing, I was walking around and around, trying to follow directions, but I got lost and ended up back at my bunk, still hungry. Then I desperately needed to use the bathroom, and started searching for that, but never found it, and tried going in my bunk, because it looked like someone else was doing that too. But it turned out they were doing something else, so I felt ashamed of making that mistake, but kept going anyway because I needed to. I woke up feeling quite disturbed, it had been a vivid dream and it took a few hours to recover. 

[Snowdrop]

I can imagine how disorienting that must have been. I know it took a while, but I'm glad you've recovered.

One thing I've noticed is that when I've made a bit of progress, such as writing about my experiences or challenging a long-held belief, my dreams can change character. They might be more vivid, they might be nightmares, they might be something else completely different. I tend to see this as my brain processing changes and part of the healing, although that can be hard to remember when they're a bit  !

[Just Hatched]

....One thing I've noticed is that when I've made a bit of progress, such as writing about my experiences or challenging a long-held belief, my dreams can change character..... I tend to see this as my brain processing changes and part of the healing, ...

Since I've been delving into past memories, and healing my IC, my dreams have become quite disturbing, and I was wondering what was going on. I'm often reluctant to go to sleep because of nightmares. I've been waking up a lot through the night too. So this helps, I will try and think of it as my brain working on healing while I sleep.