The genesis of why I stay silent in the face of abuse and exploitation

[bluepalm]

I recently discussed with my therapist the danger I've put myself in with men through being silent and compliant until the abuse and exploitation become unbearable, whereupon, with controlled anger, I become wonderfully articulate in my defence and in calmly and carefully ending a relationship.

I explained I have always assumed that my articulateness, my thoughtfulness, my ability to express myself, if displayed earlier with a man, would repel him, would make any relationship impossible. And, I can see now, inevitably, my experience has been of men who are too weak to hear a woman speak out. They are the ones who have preyed on me.  And so I have literally been told, in an angry voice, to 'be silent', not to participate in social conversation, to allow the man I'm with to totally dominate the conversation. When I was a young child, my father told me that 'nothing that comes out of the mouth of a woman is worth a man listening to'. This fear of speaking out to a man, on top of my instinct to freeze in the face of danger, has left me woefully vulnerable.

My therapist is suggesting that I should try expressing myself well from the start and see what happens. She is telling me there are gentlemen who can hear a woman speak. This morning, wondering about the origins of this pattern of behaviour, I not only remembered my experiences and my father's cruel words, I also thought of a poem I wrote some years ago, when the admonitions of my parents, designed to silence me, came to mind. I have no memories of having any articulate, two-way, sustained, conversations about anything with either of my parents, ever. I was a silenced child.

Admonitions

Be quiet

Stop talking

Don't answer back

Don't speak while we're eating

Children are to be seen and not heard!

Be quiet

Sit still child

Go to your room

Stop being so disruptive

How dare you even think such a thing!

Be quiet

Go away

Go to sleep now

Stop asking me that all the time

Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking!

Be quiet

No you can't

Don't disturb me

You're irritating me again

Stop bothering me all the time!


Be quiet

Off you go

Just go away

Stop saying that to me

I don't want to hear you anymore!

And yet I still wonder why I stay silent.


[Hope67]

Hi bluepalm,
I read your poem that you wrote years ago.  I feel sad that you were a silenced child and that you had to endure those admonitions. 
Hope

[Blueberry]

 

I can empathise too. I also was a silenced child, though partially in different ways.

By posting that poem on here, you are facing up to those words of your parents - you are not allowing yourself to be silenced. Once you start, the speaking up part of you will grow

[Not Alone]

So sad that you were not heard. Keep speaking. You are worthy of being seen, heard and respected.

[bluepalm]

Thank you to all who responded. I'm grateful for the validation and support.

[Tee]

 I have no memories of having any articulate, two-way, sustained, conversations about anything with either of my parents, ever. I was a silenced child.

Admonitions

Be quiet

Stop talking

Don't answer back

Don't speak while we're eating

Children are to be seen and not heard!

Be quiet

Sit still child

Go to your room

Stop being so disruptive

How dare you even think such a thing!

Be quiet

Go away

Go to sleep now

Stop asking me that all the time

Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking!

Be quiet

No you can't

Don't disturb me

You're irritating me again

Stop bothering me all the time!


Be quiet

Off you go

Just go away

Stop saying that to me

I don't want to hear you anymore!

And yet I still wonder why I stay silent.


This part of your is your story could be mine. Your poem articulates so many of the less harsh words from my M that for through my head.

I'm sorry you went through that welcome to the group.

[Rainstorm11]

Seriously felt the pain and frustration of growing up like that. I am sorry. It's so awful they and later men treated you that way.

[Deep Blue]

Just came across this poem and thought it rings true for many of us here.

Thanks for starting to break the silence bluepalm