Lost in the maze ... it's hard to even care anymore

[woodsgnome]

As of the moment, I feel useless. Intelligent, maybe. Somewhat logical, perhaps. Unique -- oh sure. And ... useless.  But wholly circular as to who my life affects. I once touched many, but the operative word is 'once' -- albeit I still have a hard time acknowledging any inherent goodness to the effect I had.

The present time seems only to contain the daily limited painful movements, ongoing almost pathetic self-boosting pep talks (I'm alright, not my fault, etc.) and still ... it all hurts all the time. I know -- just thoughts. Knowledge, in this case, sure doesn't equate with feeling useful. I'm at a low ebb, for sure. And scared -- mostly of myself. Like I so need my dear old friend, fear, to even notice my existence.

I have no other friends without stretching the definition. Only a distressed body whose every movement hurts. I spend hours thinking how it all hurts, every bit -- inside and outside. I know those feelings can be false. Then why do they feel so real? And why deny it anymore? Do I dare share this with anyone outside of my therapist? When will she give up on me like everyone else has? And will my next dose of hope be just as temporary as they all have been? Can I let go of this dark cloud hovering around me?

Questions abound. And the biggest is too obscure, probably even narcissistic like all those people I couldn't stand who used me as their rag doll when I couldn't defend myself. The very thing I never wanted -- but then I was told never to hope, and it was ripped from me anyway. Why do I try anymore?

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I read what you wrote here, and I wanted you to know that your presence is precious, you have touched many lives here in this forum, I speak for myself in that - and I feel sure others will echo that.  I know you're feeling at a low ebb at the moment, but I hope you know you're cared about.  It makes me feel sad that you were used as a rag doll when you couldn't defend yourself. 

Sending you a hug of support and care    I hope that's ok.

Whilst you're feeling lost in the maze, maybe some of us can at least hold your hand, if that's helpful, and shine a light to find a way through. 

You asked 'Can I let go of this dark cloud hovering around me?' - that is difficult to know, but I hope very much that the dark cloud will give you some respite and allow you to breathe and - I feel I'm waffling now, so I'll stop.  But Woodsgnome, I hope that you know that you still touch people's lives with the things you write and what you say. 

Hope 

[Bach]

woodsgnome, I can relate to everything you've said here.  I wish I had more to offer than some true empathy, a hope that the dark cloud will soon dissipate, and a hug if you want it   

I'm glad that you're here.

[Snowdrop]

I'm someone else whose life you have touched. Your words carry such wisdom and support, and I want you to know that I appreciate and care about you.

I'm sorry that you feel lost in the maze. I recognise what that feels like. I will gladly walk alongside you, if that doesn't feel intrusive, and offer gentle hugs of support.

[Kizzie]

I'm also someone whose life you have touched Woodsgnome and I thank you for that.  We are here for you, I am here for you 

[Not Alone]

You have touched me with your kind, wise words. I'm sorry you are lost in a dark cloud right now. I know the feeling of hopelessness in the middle of that.  I care about you.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Woodsgnome,
I'm sorry you are having a rough go of things right now.
I want you to know that I value you. So often I find things in your posts that are thought provoking, inspiring and encouraging. I appreciate the way you express yourself when you write too, your intelligence and insightfulness really come across. I wish I could do more than just offer these words. Take care friend. 

[RiverRabbit]

The void is a stifling place to be.  It is strange how something so empty can feel so heavy... and how it can hold you down.

And a void, having no substance, can feel impossible for a foot to find a purchase... and it is hard to imagine how to climb out of it... ex nihilo, nihil fit (out of nothing nothing can come)... at least by itself.

But in the quieter corners of this void, you may find that your ears can pick up some faint echo... your chest feel some vibration... echos drifting in from the edges... voices of those who care.  These can be your purchase... as you have been theirs.

[Blueberry]

woodsgnome, you touch me with your posts too!  I feel at a loss for words so if it's not too much for you atm I'm sending  and as much supportive OOTS energy as I can manage. I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

[Phoebes]

Woodsgnome, you are such an important presence here, and I know for me. You've greatly helped me. I so relate to your feelings here, even presently. I just wanted you to know I'm here with you, care about you and support you.

[arale]

Woodsgnome, here's what you wrote in response to my post about feeling worthless / useless. Many of us here in the forum would say that it equally applies to you:

"From the perspective of what you've shared here, though, you're far from worthless. Your contributions, even when difficult, boldly touch on matters important to all of us. Those contributions are the full opposite of being worthless."

I've been reading and rereading these lines you wrote for me. Your words make me feel seen. They make me feel that I exist because I am seen, which is such a huge gift. I don't want to say that you are useful because I don't want to use you. Rather, I would say that you bring wonderful gifts to this world (at least to my life), which I am infinitely grateful for.

[woodsgnome]

I'm overwhelmed by the compassionate understanding, support, and encouragement you've sent my way in response this moody thread. There's no words that can truly express the depth of my gratitude so I'll try this instead -- 

Sometimes all my attempts at finding  peace with myself just seems to collapse  , and I'm scared I may never dig myself out again. Life's promise threatens to become only a discouraging choice of coping mechanisms to get through the next moment. I begin fading as well  . Pretty soon my old familiar numbness returns.

At least now there's another feeling that warms me and disperses some of the gloom. These mood-lifters arise from the caring expressions you've shared with me here. Reading your comments reminds me that even on this loneliest journey I am not wholly alone. I've come to see that sentiment via the deep empathy you've shown here and in so many other places on this forum.

[Rainagain]

The most beautiful thing is to see people who are really struggling make the effort to help others.

It's perhaps the best thing about the human species.

[Kizzie]