How NPD is Formed

[Phoebes]

I've watched quite a few videos on this topic recently, and it's got me thinking, I certainly have Narcissistic traits. Although where the malignant narcissist went that direction, I went the codependent direction.

At the time, when I used to date, I framed it as I was always attracted to these bog charisma people who everyone thought were so nice. And then, a few weeks o months later, they would become mean and aloof., leaving me scrambling for what I did wrong and trying so hard to get back what we had. The quintessential Narc situation, I now know.

But then, I tried to date "nice guys" at the advice of everyone. I explained i THOUGHT the others were nice. I'm not TRYING to date bad boys. But nevertheless, I tried dating these so called nice guys (aka codependents) and that drove me even more nuts. I was labeled someone who doesn't like nice guys.

I guess all of the people around me who I conversed with from age 0-35 had no clue how to attract a normal person or what that looks like. lol

Back to the main concern though. I've read where narcs give you the impression they are one way, but then can't produce. They go through life not actually doing anything or knowing who they are. This is very triggering for me, because I feel like this has happened and is happening. I see all of my peers having followed paths they wanted and are quite accomplished now. Retired after a long, rewarding career even. I'm talking about artists and musicians. Paths I wanted to take and feel that was my desire from a very early age. There was a lot of criticism, condescension and even rage when I wanted to do music or art. There was also a lot of sabotage, so I wouldn't be able to go down those roads.

Since becoming an adult, I have started over many times, trying to hone my art skills, becoming an artist full time at one point even. Money wasn't coming and I felt like a failure, just like the N-parents said I would be. I have just found it very hard to stay the course and follow through. I know it's on me.

Now, a very nice, very cool, very seemingly stable friend from the past, who is a very successful artist, has reappeared in my life. Part of me is elated that maybe we can get to know each other again. In my mind this could be the one! But then, I think, he knows me to be an artist from the past. But, that was 30 years ago. What do I have to show for my life? Nothing really. Jumping around, starting and stopping, not making my dreams happen, that's what. (A Narcissistic trait apparently).

This, as well as now my EnD and Nsm situation is coming to a head, and it looks like I'll be losing my father as well as my Nm, I've been in a deep depression about all this. To the point of just giving up on the person from the past before it even starts. It's sort of plunged me into a deep depression. Something else I don't want to introduce into a situation with someone I like.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're going through all this... especially all at the same time. Hopefully you can get it straightened out and start to feel better.

I think that the results of NPD has some things that make it look similar to a trauma survivor; like your example of not producing. The causes for those similarities are very different though. One being because you have no regard for anyone else, and one because you've been injured, and aren't functioning fully. Usually, if someone cares enough to reflect on themselves and be concerned, its a good sign they don't have NPD.

Hope this helps a bit. Take care!

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Jazzy. That makes a lot of sense.