A note to the missing

[Three Roses]

Some of those who have posted in the past have gone quiet. I want you to know that you are missed. Your insights were and are valuable. I won't list names. But just know, you are missed. 

[Tee]

 

[bluepalm]

Three Roses and Tee, I know I'm one of those who has 'gone quiet', even though I did say I have come back to this forum. Because I feel this forum is a wonderful resource for people trying to understand the effects of complex trauma, I thought I'd try to explain why I've been quiet.

While I do have thoughts on peoples' recent postings and the urge to respond and to welcome people, and also I know there are issues I'd like to raise for consideration, I am so grateful to have reached a feeling of emotional stability in this last little while, after falling into dreadful feelings of despair yet again, I'm afraid that if I engage here I will lose that stability.

I've been doing a lot of good work recently, in therapy and just generally in understanding and strengthening my internal boundaries with people close to me who abuse my trust. All of that feels important and I'm proud of the distance I've travelled in quite a short while. I just know from long experience that I can slide backwards easily enough and so I have to guard my advances carefully.

The thing about being affected by trauma from infancy, as I feel I am, is that the effort to retain a degree of stability and hope never ceases. I never stop being aware of my vulnerabilities, never stop being aware of protecting what advances I make. It takes an enormous amount of energy, moment by moment in life. I've long wondered what I could have done with my life if I'd been free to relax into being alive and just live. Instead, my right to be alive, to have needs, to speak, to move, has been in constant question - the central concern of my days. I doubt that those who have not experienced this can comprehend how overwhelming it is.

Perhaps writing this will help. Writing, and the clarity it brings to my thoughts, is always hugely helpful. It's the best way I've found to defend myself against internal disorder, doubts and fears. It brings calm and a sense of gaining more control. So, I hope this is a way to start engaging again.
bluepalm

[Three Roses]

I absolutely know the feelings you are describing. And at times, although I'm so thankful for this forum, it becomes too much of a drain on my energy and I must pull back.

It's good to take care of ourselves. We're worth it. So whatever that looks like - posting, or taking a break - we should do what builds us up. And if the day comes when some of us just stop posting altogether as part of their recovery, I support that decision fully, and I will miss them.

[Tee]

  I'm glad you are making big steps bluepalm that's awesome.  I've gotten to the point that I only post on a few peoples messages because it's all I can I do right now and sometimes that's only a hug to say I'm here and I read it. Life is hard on this season.

[MoonBeam]

Three Roses, Tee

Thanks for sharing your progress bluepalm. I'm glad you are doing well.

MB

[Kizzie]