Blaming yourself for peoples bad treatment

[brightlight]

I have been thinking why any friendships or other relationships I have seemingly attracted people who have treated me in an appalling manner when I feel they wouldn't treat others like this.

I have had and have a few friends in my life whom I would not expect would ever treat me in the manner I describe above.

However I do feel a bit disconnected but I'm grateful for who I do have in my life.

There was one person who out of her toxic jealousy exploded at me when we met for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in months. I was homeless and had just secured a flat at this time. I'm sure she planned to meet me in order to be emotionally abusive. This was about 12 years ago and I still feel some of the nasty things she said are in my head. I know this was her issue and nastiness but I can't help feeling this is my fault and a problem with me. I attract these horrible people.

I have had good things happen but I am quite disconnected and I have this negativity from what different people have said to me in my head. I just can't shake it off.

I don't know if this is a feeling of wanting to feel connected and a couple of these people making sure this didn't happen by their behaviour.

Does anyone else have these feelings and can't get even very old nastiness out your head?

I do feel as well I bother people some of the time and when I am 'found out' (my worth) I am not worthy of being treated with respect. This is not my belief system but it is a feeling I have deep down.

[woodsgnome]

I've had several rugs pulled from under me as well, brightlight. It seems like I'm eager to trust, reach out as it seems helpful -- for me, for someone else -- and then ...  ... I'm knocked for a loop and it's scary to ever want to try again.

But I'm still so starved to find someone I can trust and in return be trusted by them, if they want. I'm at a loss as to the full reasons it often doesn't work out, but I tend to also slide into blaming myself, and only in the end finding that no, it wasn't really my fault, I tried, etc.

My inner critic loves to run me down, time after time. Slowly I'm beginning to see that I'm really not as awful as I make myself out to be, that I never was the worst person in the world, hung out to be gaslighted by whoever happens along. Part of the prob might even be my success at appearing okay, very friendly, and very funny (like I don't take myself seriously or something?).

I dunno. I've worked around people for years, but the old pattern of reach out/feel rejected seems true; even when it really was all 'in my head'. Whoa -- see, here I go putting myself through the wringer. I find myself so tiring, and yet I only have myself.

I so wish there was a self-forgiveness wizard. I guess there is one -- myself. And I guess that's what so many of us are doing here. Know what, though -- we're doing okay -- our entire messy selves. 

[Rainydaze]

I have been thinking why any friendships or other relationships I have seemingly attracted people who have treated me in an appalling manner when I feel they wouldn't treat others like this.

I have had and have a few friends in my life whom I would not expect would ever treat me in the manner I describe above.

However I do feel a bit disconnected but I'm grateful for who I do have in my life.

There was one person who out of her toxic jealousy exploded at me when we met for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in months. I was homeless and had just secured a flat at this time. I'm sure she planned to meet me in order to be emotionally abusive. This was about 12 years ago and I still feel some of the nasty things she said are in my head. I know this was her issue and nastiness but I can't help feeling this is my fault and a problem with me. I attract these horrible people.

I have had good things happen but I am quite disconnected and I have this negativity from what different people have said to me in my head. I just can't shake it off.

I don't know if this is a feeling of wanting to feel connected and a couple of these people making sure this didn't happen by their behaviour.

Does anyone else have these feelings and can't get even very old nastiness out your head?

I do feel as well I bother people some of the time and when I am 'found out' (my worth) I am not worthy of being treated with respect. This is not my belief system but it is a feeling I have deep down.

I've experienced this all my life and I think it stems from having never learned boundaries. Unfortunately some people do take advantage of this and will insidiously push and push until before we know it we are being mistreated and taken advantage of. I've had some lovely people in my life too who haven't done this but I think the more toxic people dominate because their behaviour is hurtful and therefore more memorable. They're probably used to having more assertive people telling them to shove off before they're given the opportunity to cause them any hurt (think back on these people's past friendships with others - I bet they constantly fell out with people), but with us we don't bark back at the point that most people would find their behaviour intolerable and they end up taking advantage of that.

There was one person who out of her toxic jealousy exploded at me when we met for a coffee. I hadn't seen her in months. I was homeless and had just secured a flat at this time. I'm sure she planned to meet me in order to be emotionally abusive. This was about 12 years ago and I still feel some of the nasty things she said are in my head. I know this was her issue and nastiness but I can't help feeling this is my fault and a problem with me. I attract these horrible people.

It baffles me how anyone could be like that, I'm sorry that happened. I had a frenemy all the way through school and into college who treated me like an emotional punchbag and I've also had people in the workplace who have treated me similarly. Again, it's my lack of boundaries. I've never had them and as a result these people have seen an opening and used me to make themselves feel better. They wouldn't do it to other people because other people would soon tell them to stop (or give them some other choice language probably)  . I've also wondered what could be so wrong with me that encourages these horrible people but really I think they probably attempt to be horrible to everyone, it's just that the other people they try it on with might have that little bit more assertiveness and experience with setting boundaries which means that they detect they're being mistreated and manipulated much quicker than we do, then as a result they withdraw themselves from the 'friendship' sooner to protect themselves.