Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA

[caroline]

I am no contact just now apart from with my sister. I'm not sure how but lots of stories are coming out now from cousins/nephews/necies etc.

I * hate all this, i just feel tired of it all

[Three Roses]

  you are cared for here. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you while you go through this. No wonder you feel tired of it all. 

I see my old therapist tomorrow, but it's a one off until i get back on the waiting list to have another 'round' of therapy. I already had more sessions than the NHS says i am allowed in one go. I just want her to give me a hug. sounds pretty pathetic to even say it. But somehow i would never even think that if someone else said it to me.

I was reading back in this old thread to get a sense of what's been going on. I'm sorry that I didn't see or reply to this one.

I don't think it sounds pathetic AT ALL to say you just want somebody to give you a hug. It's a real human need that you likely didn't get enough of in childhood. I didn't get enough of them either. Safe hugs help re-nurture our Inner Children, they help me with my emotional pain.
On here we can only send virtual ones.   

[Not Alone]

Hearing you and sending support and compassion. 

[caroline]

Hi, it's been a while. 

I have been speaking with a different T, i paid for 6 session 3 weeks apart cos it is all I can afford. Back on the NHS list for now.

I have been having some really terrible memories come back to me as flashbacks.  For the last few months I have been having this weird pattern. Flashback, then fainting, then throwing up. I have been at minor injuries 3 times recently with concussion x 2 and knee injury from the falling.

I've been referred to a Neuro-psychiatrist. Not had the energy to look it up much but seems to be about finding out why i am falling/fainting.  I personally think it is my brain/mind just shutting off because it can't handle seeing/feeling the memory.

Thanks for the support and being here x

[Tee]

That's rough I hope you can figure out how to get that to stop! And that there isn't anything else major going on. Hugs.

[caroline]

Thank you everyone so much.

I found out 2 weeks ago that my much older half sister, who was involved died 2 years ago.  My main abuser at age 70 has a 'wife and young family'.  The police are aware.

I knew things were bad. I just didnt know how bad.

I am fighting hard to keep normal life going, i am 40 in a couple of weeks. It all seems so strange.

Thank you all xx

[Tee]

 

[caroline]

 

[caroline]

Hi folks, I guess I just need somewhere to share again.

I am trying so hard to be normal but i have been reckless with cider and some 'street drugs' since I last posted. I turned 40 and went a bit mad. Twice.  I think i am back out of it now (i've never been addicted to anything apart from the staying till the end of the party before) so now trying to pick up the different bits of myself since all this came out. 

It's strange, I always knew there was abuse, but never had the horrible feeling i have now, like it could be anyone and I wouldn't know. Finding myself feeling really hateful things towards old men on buses etc for NO REASON!

Thank you for listening to me xx

[Three Roses]

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time.  Happy belated birthday, those milestone birthdays can be really rattling.

FWIW, imo you having visceral reactions to triggering people (old men) is not for no reason. For some reason you're finding them triggering. May I suggest you take a look at Pete Walker's website where he talks about EFs (emotional flashbacks) & how to combat them. http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm (it's long but very worth the time).

I'm glad to see you again although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you back. 

[caroline]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone here, you folks are all awesome. Stuff is still all over the place but I feel more in control of it now. I am still having the flashback/faint/throw-up thing, but now i'm not throwing up so much.  Still waiting on the appointment but my gp is now well aware as I flashbacked/fainted against his table and I seriously thought I had broken my nose. It was so cringeworthy but everyone I trust told me it's a good thing. I really just hate all of this!!  Thank you all for putting up with my stuff, sorry I don't contribute to the group more. Cxx

[Not Alone]

Caroline,
What you are going through sounds really difficult and painful. Please continue to share here as much as it is helpful to you. You are worthy to be heard and to receive kindness.