Hyper-alert, and scared ... flashback that won't leave

[woodsgnome]

*TW* -- there's nothing overt or graphic here, but there is a hint about abuse that could trigger a reaction.

I tried to stick with a meditation the other day (or was it 15 minutes ago?); and, as usual, felt taken over by my constant habit of falling into hyper-vigilance, even in the safest of surroundings, in this case my home -- specifically designed to be calm and peaceful. Yet this happens all the time. The inner dialogue runs something like this:

I better pay attention.
I start to meditate ... this is going well
Wait --- what was that?
Just a random faint noise.
But I better pay attention.
It might be them
Coming to get me
Whatever will happen
it won't be good.
That was years ago, I remind myself,
but still feel a panic closing in.
Doesn't matter -- I better pay attention
But they're not really here
are they?
Please ... but I've failed to ever have that work.
I'll still try, though; somehow I have no choice.
Until I know they can never get to me.
So
I better pay attention.
But I'm so tired.
I wonder what it's like
Not to have to pay attention.
Must peace alway be only a fantasy?
When is my ongoing prayer
pleading for peace to be
answered? How will I know?
I better pay attention.
Why?
Do I know?
I'm afraid I do...but I have to pay attention.
Tired ... can't sleep ... hopeless, again.

[Three Roses]

Oh Woodsgnome, how terrible! That awful feeling of being in danger, the feeling of constantly having to be on guard. I know that feeling. It's exhausting! I'll join you in your prayer for peace, for hope, for sleep.... May you find rest tonight, my friend. 

[Aphotic]

I can really understand... I know how hard it can be to meditate. The idea for most meditation is to let your thoughts go, think of nothing... but... When you have a million and one thoughts with the anxiety of your safety.. it's so difficult.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear this Woodsgnome.  I don't think many people quite understand how deeply embedded trauma is and why we remain hypervigilant. I'm not a fan of meditation for this reason (I don't relax into it much - feels too vulnerable to some part of me I think).

I hope you are able to calm it a bit and sleep better

[Not Alone]

Woodsgnome,

Praying for peace and a restful night for you. It is awful. To me, it feels like the smallest noise goes through me like a knife.

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you woodsgnome and hoping for peace for you.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi woodsgnome, reminds me of how I spiral when I get into negative self criticism so just want to offer a bit of moral support 

[bluepalm]

Woodsgnome - what you describe resonates strongly with me.

Recently I got stuck in a frighteningly long day of feeling frantic and desperate, crying and pleading, just crying 'please' over and over. It was as if I was a baby lying on my back screaming into the void, pleading for comfort. It was terrifying actually and has led me to be even more vigilant about protecting myself from toxic people.

I found that lying down and playing opera music and holding onto each of the notes in my mind was the only thing that worked to keep me from literally getting up and running away (to where I don't know - just away).

I agree with Kizzie: "I'm not a fan of meditation for this reason (I don't relax into it much - feels too vulnerable to some part of me I think)."

Trying to quiet my mind by self will alone and 'meditate' just exacerbates any desperate or fearful feelings. It feels far too vulnerable for me to 'let go' and just sit there in silence, especially with my eyes closed. I don't feel safe enough. It actually makes me feel worse.

Singing and listening to music are much more protective for me. They fill my mind up with pleasure and comfort me.

I've recently joined a weekly singing circle led by a wonderful woman who understands how we can access the healing power of the vagus nerve through humming and vocalising. She leads our group and we spend an hour standing in a circle, moving our bodies to the rhythm, just singing out loud, really loudly, vocalising, singing call and response, old gospel chants, nonsense rhymes. There's no music to read and it's continuous music- making. It's not like a normal choir where you stop and start as you rehearse. There's no time to think about anything else and at the end I feel peaceful and happy. She calls it 'finding your voice' and that's what it feels like to me - finding my voice out loud, with other human beings singing beside me. It's comforting in a very fundamental way and a release and I don't feel vulnerable at all.

What I've learned in this singing circle also helps me understand why it's opera music that works best for me to hang onto in desperate times. I think it's the sustained notes and loud vocalisations in opera that I respond to and that enable me to access that healing power of my vagus nerve as I echo them in my mind.

These are just my thoughts - and I may be wrong about what's happening but I feel it could be useful to explain what works for me. 

[Kizzie]

I've recently joined a weekly singing circle led by a wonderful woman who understands how we can access the healing power of the vagus nerve through humming and vocalising. She leads our group and we spend an hour standing in a circle, moving our bodies to the rhythm, just singing out loud, really loudly, vocalising, singing call and response, old gospel chants, nonsense rhymes. There's no music to read and it's continuous music- making. It's not like a normal choir where you stop and start as you rehearse. There's no time to think about anything else and at the end I feel peaceful and happy. She calls it 'finding your voice' and that's what it feels like to me - finding my voice out loud, with other human beings singing beside me. It's comforting in a very fundamental way and a release and I don't feel vulnerable at all.

I've actually been seeing more about the healing aspects of rhythmic music & movement like this in relation to trauma. Not to derail this thread but it may be a potential tool for helping to calm EFs in the spirit of "Music [and I would add movement] hath charms to soothe a savage breast."

[woodsgnome]

I'm still reeling from my latest plunge into EF-land. Lots of self-recrimination about not shielding myself better, including the role of music (similar to bluepalm's observation). Delving into my favourite tunes and genres works well, but not always. That's the prob -- none of this seems to fully tide me over, and sometimes I give up hope entirely.

Still I see (or falsely think I do) glimmers of light here and there. That's really hard,though; as so often they turn out to be like mirages masquerading as hope. I guess some of this never leaves -- it becomes a matter of how to deal with it again. Or, accept it not in defeat, but while working to halt  the self-blame game from flaring up again. And there's where it leads only to more vigilance. And more fatigue. And ... who knows.

It's all fear-driven. I need lots of inspiration to keep on trekking. Which is the best thing about this forum. Nobody is taking up false pretenses of caring, a precious commodity in this regard -- the sharing here is open and honest

. Thanks to all who've helped me get through this latest reminder of the goodness that exists here. 

[Three Roses]

 

[bluepalm]

 

[Kizzie]