When is it abuse?

[Sceal]

I am sorry if this is in the wrong section.

*Trigger warning: questions about emotional abuse*
.
.
.
.
I have been wondering something lately. When does a behaviour constitute as abuse? Is it only when it is intentional behaviour?  Or can it also be part of unintended behaviour?

I am currently going through a tough time with my ex. We are moving apart after 4 years of having been broken up. (It's a long story). The other day we had another long conversation about the past. He said alot of hurtful things, and I don't know how to deal with it. He accused me with making him feel worthless at times, and that he is scared of me now that I will explode in anger at him for something he hasn't done. That I am untrustworthy because I didn't tell him the whole story of why I broke up with him.

I feel that this is a little unfair. I know I have worked really hard to try and build him up. I have given him compliments after compliments of what I think he is and does that makes him worthy. I have told him time and time again that he is worthy. I know I have been angry, and some of it most likely unjustly directed at him, but some of it was due to his behaviour.  And the reason why I didn't tell him I had been r* again.. was because I couldn't. I couldn't say the word, I couldn't admit it to myself. It was too much.

At one point he asked me why did I want to be with him, when I knew I had mental illness. Why would I bring that into his life. I took it as a genuine question, but my friend told me that was ice cold and mean thing to say. I didn't know that I had cptsd when I became his girlfriend. I only knew about the chronic depression, anxiety and PD. And i had told him about it. I did warn him.

My ex said that he now feels so worthless, and he doesn't know if that is my fault or not.  And after that long conversation I broke completely down. And he started comforting me, and I saw a glimpse of the man that I did fall in love with soon a decade ago.

My friend says that kind of behaviour, breaking someone down only then to come to their rescue is somewhat abusive behaviour.

But I am so scared now that I have infact been emotionally abusive towards my ex. That has NEVER been my intention. I wanted nothing but the best for him. I still do, I just don't want to be in that equation with him.

And this all leaves me very confused.

When does * behaviour turn into abusive? When someone else would just react with " that's an $-5&#" to the same treatment that would leave me emotionally incapacitated?

[Blueberry]

Hello Sceal,

One situation is certainly not abusive and that was you not telling him about the r*. You don't "owe" anybody that information. Also, if talking about it might trigger you or even just upset you, then self-care first!

I also don't think you owe him the whole story of why you broke up with him.

I think it was mean and unfair of him to ask you why you 'brought mental illness' into his life. It sounds as if he wants to blame you for any problems he has. You were open about the diagnoses you knew of and if he has now been shaken a bit off course, well, who knows what undealt with stuff he has in his past. Anyway, if he didn't notice enough amiss in your behaviour to want to break up with you before you and he knew about cptsd, then I think it's bogus to be blaming you now.

For more information, you could check OutOfTheFog e.g. https://outofthefog.website/traits/ Top 100 Traits for PD. I know you say you have a PD but you're aware of that. For me, that's the crucial difference really. Are you aware of your behaviour and taking responsibility, or not? Your ex could have a PD too, but a different one maybe?

[Snowdrop]

I completely agree with Blueberry. I think your ex is being very unfair to you.

[Sceal]

Sorry it took me so long to reply.

I don't really think my ex is being abusive, but I wish I could tell when someone is. I don't know where the line goes.
Although, I do feel he is being incredible unfair to me. his behaviour hasn't been very kind lately - and perhaps I don't deserve kindness. But I don't believe I deserve this thing either.

[Blueberry]

Dear Sceal,

Of course you deserve kindness, just like everybody else on the planet, as my T would say! Meaning that we cptsd-ers aren't somehow defective and have to work extra hard just in order to be treated with basic decency. Or at the very least you certainly don't deserve unkindness and unfairness. Neither of those are setting healthy boundaries. I would say we all 'deserve' to have people in our lives who set healthy boundaries instead of treating us unkindly and unfairly. Does that make sense?