aftermath

[jamesG.1]

so... 3 weeks or so after hearing my ex had died, I'm finally settling.

It's really simple in some respects.

1. I tried to stop her drinking herself and our relationship to death but she wouldn't, or couldn't take evasive action.

2. I went a lot longer than many would have.

3. It's not about gender, just two people in an impossible corner.

4. The causes of the drinking pre-dated me. Both her family and mine exacerbated the decline towards the end, but the story was old.

5. My personal survival is as valid as anyone else's. If I'd stayed, I'd have broken. As it was I left too late to avoid extensive mental illness issues stemming from the abuse.

6. We ALL have a right to remove ourselves from pain and unhappiness.

7. C-PTSD is an injury inflicted by the indifference, manipulation or abuse of others.

8. Moving on and rebuilding after these events is not callous, it is a human right.

that's all I can say really. I'm very tired, worn out by all the thinking these last few weeks and the need to keep my emotions in check at work and in a new relationship. Tired as *. The thinking is over mostly, but I'm blank and not much use for anything. I've tried to be creative today and went nowhere. So be it, I have to take yet more time out from normality in order to heal. It infuriates me but there's no fighting it, I have to heal.

Maybe now I can finally move forward once the closure this offers kicks in.

One life, live it, and all that stuff.

[Jazzy]

You make some good points here. I'm glad you're sorting through it, and hopefully you get some good rest soon. Take care!

[Three Roses]

Hi - just want to check in with you and see how you're doing.

[Rainagain]

I think you are absolutely right in what you have posted James.

Maybe you could read your post again if you begin to doubt yourself, what you say is right, hold onto that.

[jamesG.1]

thanks all

recovering well now, an something approaching closure hovering in the wings.

Big part for me is the people around the edges and wondering what their judgement has been. It was bad for a while, but now I'm hardened to what is mostly imagined.

You try, you fail, you leave.

[Three Roses]

Big part for me is the people around the edges and wondering what their judgement has been.

This is me, too. Always has been. Probably comes from being assaulted out of the blue for the least little thing. So people's judgements feel dangerous.

But honestly I think most people don't really consider me at all, and if they do it's only briefly. I think I worry much more than is realistic. 

[jamesG.1]

The judgement has been very extreme in the past, I was the dumping ground for offloaded gulit, blame and shame whenever anyone felt the need and I grew totally used to the idea that everyone did it. I still feel this, tho vastly reduced and it just goes to show how trained you become when the negative people in your life have the controls, especially for long periods.

In reality tho, now that the moment has passed, actually no one really cares, something that is both a relief and terrible in equal measures.

I'm finding that I'm filling my life with new people and avoiding the old tho, new people see me now as I am and it's very positive because there is a lot of affirmation, whereas the old associations seem to be riddled with condescension and a lack of compassion.

It's one * of a journey tho.

[Three Roses]

new people see me now as I am and it's very positive

You're pretty awesome in my book.