Lessons gleaned from an EF

[Jdog]

Hi all-

I just returned from a short vacation and experienced insomnia last night.  It wasn't a panic attack kind of insomnia, more like a time when my brain was going several directions at once but with happy feelings. I decided to delve more into the center of this "busyness" and asked the age-old existential question "Who am I, really?"  Wow- out came a series of things related to heartfelt beliefs from childhood to the present day - a friend, a wife, a violinist (not for awhile though), a runner, etc. 

Here's the thing it came down to:  I have spent most of my life identifying with people, causes, belief systems, even musical performance and participation for the purpose of finding a safe spot where I can rest and belong.  That is what my inner child/gut told me - I have tried to "be" all of these things because I did not feel adequate or safe in my inner self.  Until I truly and deeply know that I am perfect just as I am - without achievements, friends, decoration of any kind on the barebones of my soul - none of these "tricks" will work to get me safely home.  I am hoping that internalizing this message from myself will help me sort through some guilt and shame I carry with me (usually drown it out with the noise of my so-called normal life). 

I would truly like to get to the point of doing the right things for the right reasons - because I love doing them rather than because I feel I must do them to be whole.  Internalizing "I am already enough" and "I am safe" seems like such a daily commitment and I hope that it pays off....