Daily recurring flashback

[arale]

I'm in a professional situation where every morning I wake up, I check my email to see if I have work today. If I have, then the next 72 hours will become a crazy whirlwind during which I wouldn't have time to think about even eating or sleeping. If there isn't, then, immediately, predictably, invariably, I get triggered. I feel unloved, unwanted, incompetent. I start to make movies about becoming a bag lady living underneath a bridge (a threat that was thrown at me often as a kid), or being a destitute and desperate old person, or worse still, having to run around now to secure a job (the idea of interviews, being judged and being rejected throws me into absolute panic)!

I've tried to tell myself that this regular, predictable occurrence is an excellent opportunity to practice recognizing and working with this trigger. Part of me is less gentle: it tells me that these triggers are mole hills, and I am a loser making mountains out of them.

I'm exhausted to have to go through this roller coaster ride every day. This morning is only the second day in a row that I haven't received work. It already feels like Groundhog Day. 

[Not Alone]

arale,

No idea if this is helpful, but it is what popped into my head when I read your post. What about, when you are not in a whirlwind, writing a list of truths?
For example:
I am worthy to take time to eat.
It is healthy for my body and mind to take time to sleep/eat.
I am not going to end up on the street. I have resources.
I am worthy of love and I am loved by _________.
etc.

[Northman]

I don`t know much about your life situation. It sounds very of putting to have to look for work everyday. I`m not sure if my way of think is for you or would just make things worse. But this is what I do. 

I spin it forward on the idea when the flashback happens. I take it to a place where its to off to believe and funny. Like what is everything that would have to happen before you actually get there. How of would you have to behave? How would youre life be? What bridge would you choose to live under? How would you make your house out of cardboard and things you found? Where would you go for food and shelter? What would you write on your sign when you beg for money? Would you draw something? Do a funny little dance?

I have a similar flashbacks where I get a feeling that I`m doomed to failure, insanity and living on the edge of society. Living in poverty, going into a long-time psyc institution, drug abuse, losing family and friends and so on. This goes on even when I`m at work a lot. I look at my colleges and patients and I have more in common with my patients that with the people I work with. It triggers me, but it also make me more compassionate and good at my job.

[arale]

Thank you notalone and Northman for your suggestions. I will try them out this weekend. I burst out laughing trying to imagine the bridge that I would choose to live under (golden, gilded or grimey and smelly?) or the castle I would build out of cardboard.  It feels so good to laugh.