How to grieve?

[someonewholovesthemselves]

I am not sure if I can effectively grieve. Crying helps, but sometimes, the tears don't come out. Music does make me cry, but the lyrics make me cry for the writer of the song, not for my own suffering. I am completely clueless as to how to grieve and accept all the hurt I've been put through. Any suggestions on how to grieve? He is supportive financially, atleast when I am compliant/obedient. Is it still abuse?

[Chart]

Hi SWLT! I'm just at the chapter on grieving in Pete Walker's book "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving". I'm posing a lot of questions as well. What works for me is imagination. I imagine my Inner Child and I imagine his suffering and experiences with the abandonment, neglect and abuse. Contact with these experiences and feelings "can" elicit grief. But as Pete points out in his book, often it's difficult to tap into because our Inner Critic shuts down self-care, just like our abusive parents did. In that case we need to work on calming the inner critic before we can effectively grieve.

Pete's book is a keystone work relating to cptsd and healing from developmental trauma. It is HIGHLY recommended, both as a starting point and for continued healing. Hope that can help.

I was confused what you wrote at the end of your post:

He is supportive financially, atleast when I am compliant/obedient. Is it still abuse?

Would you like to clarify what you're referring to? Is this related to your topic of grieving or something else?

[dollyvee]

Hi someone,

This is a really good question and something I don't think I was able to do for a long time. I feel like because the abuse and gaslighting happened from such an early age, I don't necessarily have access to my "real" feelings or emotions. I'm very good at analytical thinking, and being in my head logically, but the feeling part remained elusive and it's a protection mechanism. NARM describes it as a connection survival strategy that we learn very young. Connection, either to ourselves or to others, doesn't feel safe. It's only been recently when starting to unpack how I keep/kept the fantasy of my family alive in me by looking for their love and approval that I'm never going to get, that these emotions are starting to come out. Before, I could describe how my mother would leave me alone at night to go party when I was six, and logically I knew that that happened, but never felt the emotions around it, and was able to grieve for the girl who had to go through that. In my mind, it was like it happened to someone else, or it felt like that. As I started to feel these emotions, it was like it was coming from a different part of my brain. I found NARM was helpful with this too for bringing my attention to things I was feeling that I didn't know were there.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I find grief to be very complicated given the amount of gaslighting from a young age I went through in a narcissistic family. When you're denied your own reality, and asked to buy into everyone elses, it becomes difficult to connect to the emotions that hold grief IMO.

Yes, receiving money is very much used as. form of control. At least it was in my family. If you don't do x, then you will be cut off, is something that I heard a fair bit. It lessens your independence and resilience in yourself to do things IMO, and where they are always "right."

Sending you support,
dolly

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hi Chart
I am trying to be as much informed about trauma as I can be.
I have Pete Walker on my TBR.
I have get scared of reading about trauma, because it feels like if I were to admit it that my narcissistic father never loved me, it would be too painful for me. I know he didn't. I just know that I did. It is a trauma bond. Because love is not abusive.
He has supported me financially, growing up. He took care of my basic necessities. I had a house, a bed and food. And sometimes he would allow me to spend some extra cash (just a little more) nothing fancy. I don't know how to feel about his support financially. Essentially, if he weren't my father, it could've been worse.
But it could also have been better. Is he helping me or is he controlling me? I would appreciate your perspective.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Hey Dolly
What you said, resonated alot with me for example being abandoned when in need, the constant desire to be loved for being myself, feeling unsafe and feeling disconnected from my feelings, even from my human body.
I know he knows what he is doing. I just cannot understand why someone would.
I always thought that he loved me, he just didn't know how to love. I was wrong. He never made me feel loved. Never. Even on days when he was in a good mood, I'd have to be very careful with what I say around him. He would flip in a milli second.
I hate that I loved him. I hate that I never saw him for who he was. I hate him for using me as a supply. I hate that I cannot stop loving him. And I hate that I'll have to leave him, grieve and live a life where he won't be around. Anymore.
Love is unconditional, tolerance is not. I am walking away from him.
This is such an emotional message. I was literally crying.

[Chart]

Hey SWLT,
Try to slow down. This is BIG stuff you're dealing with. Be kind with yourself. No decisions need to be made this afternoon. We make decisions, all of us, when we feel ready. Tears are good. There are your clear signs that you are grieving effectively. But its a hard chaotic process, often deeply painful. The pain will soften with tears. This is the healing process. And it needs to repeat many times for the brain to slowly put things in a new and entirely healthier order.
Go slow. Remember, you cannot lose love you never had. But the realization can "feel" like the loss of love. And for the child in all of us this is beyond terror. We have to support our own child-selves as best we can through this terribly challenging process.
And it's hard, and so takes time to adapt and be ready and have the energy to advance.

You are okay. You have begun the journey. That is a HUGE progress. Now it's time to set the pace. There's lots of learning and stumbling and falling down and getting back up to come.

I crashed ten months ago. Ive perhaps recovered say 20%... But that 20% is precious because it's REAL. It's the truth and now I know it. You will experience the same, all the painful revelations to come are like blessings. The burn fades and like fire cauterizes a wound the pain becomes a tool and manageable. Then we find our beautiful genius behind the scar.
Turn Love inward. It's weird at first. But practice makes it real. And know you are NEVER alone. Here on the forum we know and feel what you know and feel. None of us are alone here. Use us. Giving gives back twofold. Let us give. You are loved, by you and us.

[NarcKiddo]

Many of us struggle to accept we may have been abused by the person who also paid for our food, clothing, medical, housing and educational needs. My T pointed out that a parent who does that is simply doing their legal duty. In the case of my own FOO they spent quite a lot of money at times. I now realise that this was not because they wanted me to have nice things out of kindness but because they wanted to look right to friends and neighbours. The illusion of a good and prosperous family had to be maintained.

I don't know if your father is helping or controlling you but in the case of my own FOO money is always used to control. My mother once threatened to disinherit me if I did not produce children so she could have grandchildren. I did not produce children. I don't care if she disinherits me - so that threat has no power. They do give genuine gifts, and these can be generous, but any payment that the recipient actually needs always, ALWAYS, comes with strings attached. It's never expressed as such and often starts off as an apparently nice gesture. They just keep going until the recipient gets used to it. But once the recipient starts relying on the payments the emotional demands or bad behaviours ramp up. In my experience the best thing you can do is to get yourself into a position of financial independence as soon as you possibly can and do everything in your power to maintain that independence. That does not necessarily mean refusing any help they might offer so your life is more comfortable (assuming that help does not come with obvious and unacceptable strings) but I would always advise trying to be in a position where you can refuse all further payment and step away at any moment you may need to.

As for grieving - it's different for everyone. I think you just have to go with the ebb and flow of your emotions and be kind to yourself.

[dollyvee]

Hi someone,

I'm sorry you're going through all that. It's an awful realization to make and you're right, it is incredibly painful, which is why a lot of us disassociate, or aren't really able to face it. You are though, and that's a courageous thing to do. It really, really is and I hope you're able to give yourself a little space to recognize that. In under no circumstances is it easy.

I'm pretty sure my sf was a malignant narcissist and it sounds like perhaps that's what your father is though it's not fair for me to diagnose. All I can say is I feel like my sf enjoyed being mean to me, that there was some delight in the power he had over me as a seven year old. I was to fall in line and show respect.

TW

I used to have to do weekly chores and which included cleaning his filthy truck where I would be paid a dollar. Or I had to spend hours raking the leaves for a dollar. This was not the 70s, this was the late 80s. When I moved in with my father he immediately gave me 5 dollars a week. He wasn't spoiling me, he was just fair. Part of me is still wanting to minimize it and say it's not that bad.

End TW

So, I hear you. There are messed up people like that in the world and almost every one on that side of the family gave him a pass. My gf didn't like him, but didn't step in about his treatment of me only when it became about something that he bought me (when I decided to move out, my sf said I wasn't allowed to take any of my toys with me as a nine year old). So, it was like every one was just ok with the abuse. I think I even remember my m saying, it's not like we beat you or something like that. It's hard to bring things out and feel them when no around you is giving you space, or allowing you to feel what you're feeling. I think it's a big step that you're able to see those things in regards to your father and see what's best for *you* to do.

I second what NK said. The quicker you can become financially independent, the better. This was a big one as I felt like I missed out on doing things other teenagers/young adults did to a certain degree where it was more about fun and "discovering who you were." I did do that, but there was an added catch of how am I going to survive if I do this on my own? I did end up surviving on my own and I'm sure you can too. Like NK said, nothing was given if I needed it. My school was paid for as long as I went to the approved school. I wasn't happy in the program I was in (not that I wasn't happy, I just wasn't sleeping and couldn't finish any of my papers), so I dropped out and went to art school. I was cut off, but I worked through it on weekends doing an abysmal job with high pay and graduated without debt.

Not to counter NK, but I do feel like accepting help for me was sort of making "a deal with the devil." It never worked ou the way I actually needed it to, and was also sort of allowing the "charade" to go on longer in a way. The charade being that I had to suppress parts of myself, the ones who were subject to that abuse and gaslighting, and to allow people in my life who never actively stood up for me. I did however, receive money from the estate which was probably beneficial in getting me to where I am and helping me do the work I'm doing now. It's complicated stuff.

Sending you support,
dolly