Colored Picture TW

[Not Alone]

Trigger Warning

Written (with help) by 5-year-old, Hope (inside NotAlone)

Last week, in therapy, I colored a picture of a belt on a long strip of paper. It was something used in the bad thing that happened to me. I thought that maybe, if I colored a picture of it, I could talk about it without going back to that bad place. (I got the idea from something Blueberry said. Thanks, Blueberry.) I was able to talk about how a belt, and especially the sound of it, scared me. I didn't go to the bad place and I think that is the first time that I've talked about it without going back there at all.

I told my T that when I hear NotAlone's husband take off his belt, it is like a big icicle that goes through me. I asked him how to stop the icicle or at least make it smaller. He said there were things we could try. Might help, might not. One thing he suggested was to tear up the picture. That made me really scared. I said it was like going against THEM. He said that was exactly what it was. I thought about doing that last week, but I was too scared, so I asked him to read me a story instead.

This week I took scissors and cut up the picture of the belt. I say that like it was a simple thing, but it wasn't like that. I sat on the floor a long time, being scared, talking to my T. I said I was afraid they would come through the door. He told me I was safe and they would not come in. I finally picked up the scissors and cut off the buckle part and cut it into pieces. Then I cut the belt into pieces that were too small to ____________. I think we talked more, I don't remember. Then I took the pieces and cut those into smaller pieces.

My T asked me how I was feeling. I still felt (and feel) scared, but the scared got smaller and I felt a bit mad. (That's when I cut the pieces into even smaller pieces.)

Next week I'm going to burn the pieces.

It is scary telling you this, but I want to tell you for two reasons. First, it was a really big thing for me to do. Second, telling all of you also feels like going against THEM. My T always asks me what my body is doing. It is all tingly --like scared---inside from writing that.

[Bach]

You are so brave, Hope!  I'm proud of you.   

[MoonBeam]

Hope, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm 10 and I am part of MoonBeam. I want you to know because of how brave you are and the things you've shared about your bravery, you helped me (and little M, very much) feel like it might be ok if I came out from hiding for just a little while. I talked to MoonBeam's T last Friday about some really hard things. We sat on the floor and I held a crystal she had made and it was so scary and so hard. But she said she could be my safe person until MoonBeam can learn to feel safe enough to be that for all of us. It sounds like yours and NotAlone's T is a safe person too.
I'm so sorry that sound, things that seem normal to other people are so scary-- and that it makes all the feelings come up. That you made a picture and then you really cut it into pieces makes me so happy--that you said no and cut it up! I hope I'm not saying too much. I just want you to know that I feel the way you do too, and so does little M. And you help us feel like even though we feel so small and weak, seeing how strong you are, maybe we are strong too.
I wish there was a flower emoji then I could give you a flower.

[Snowdrop]

A big Well Done to you, Hope. You did brilliantly. I know you said you were scared, but that makes what you did all the braver. Burning the pieces next week sounds like an excellent idea.

Sending you love and safe, gentle hugs if that's OK.

[sj]

wow, notalone
that was really powerful to read and so brave of you to both do and then share
thank you and please take care

[findingpeace2018]

Thank you so much for sharing this Hope.  That is a really great name, your bravery is giving me "hope".  I cant imagine how hard this was for you and you did it any way.  I hope you post more after your next session...we are all cheering for you 

[Kizzie]

You were so brave Hope, you did it even though you were really scared.  Very proud of you and I'm sure Notalone is too!               

   

[Deep Blue]

Notalone,
I'm afraid I couldn't read all of what you wrote because of similar triggers but I'm proud of you for taking the steps you took.  Nothing but love and support to you sweetie

[Not Alone]

Bach, thank you for saying I'm brave and for being proud of me. That makes me feel warm inside.

MoonBeam, I'm glad you talked to MoonBeam's T. It is really hard to tell scary things. I'm glad your T is a safe person. It is such a good thing to have safe people. I wish all the icky stuff would go away for all of us. I feel small and weak too and not strong. I do feel a little stronger after cutting up the picture of the belt! You told your T hard stuff too and that's brave. Thanks for the flower!

Snowdrop, thanks for what you said. It made me feel good and cared for.

sj, thank you for writing. It is hard for me to feel like I'm brave, but thank you for saying it.

findingpeace, I haven't always been called Hope. Maybe sometime I will write more about that. I started to tell about it now, but I got too scared and erased it. Thanks for cheering me on.

Kizzie, thanks for saying you are proud of me and for saying I'm brave.

Deep Blue, I'm glad you didn't read it because of similar triggers. There are posts on OOTS that we can't read either. Thanks for your love and support.

From,
Hope (with NotAlone's help)


To All:
It means a great deal to Hope and to me that you took the time to reply to Hope's post. The word "brave" feels like a piece of clothing that doesn't fit, but with several people telling Hope that she is brave, maybe over time, she will come to know that the word does apply to her. It makes her feel really good when she hears people say they are proud of her. Hard to describe; inflating as opposed to deflating. Not sure if that makes sense. Your love and support is felt and greatly appreciated. 

It has been a long day, work and then marriage therapy. Hope was anxious to get home and respond to all of you. She is now wearing a warm top with Winnie the Pooh on it that she had me buy on Monday. I want to bring her comfort and nurture. It is a little challenging because husband and kids don't know about the Littles. Maybe I will cover her with the weighted blanket and she can hold the bear (Roman) under the blanket.
NotAlone

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I'd like to send a hug to you, and to Hope - yesterday sounds like it was a long day, with so much in that day - and you got through it all - well done.  I love the sound of the Winnie the Pooh top that Hope had you buy, and it made me feel warm and cosy just thinking of that. Roman the bear sounds lovely too. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope67,
Thank you for your caring reply. 

[Not Alone]

Next week I'm going to burn the pieces.

"Next week" turned into two months.

Today Hope burned the pieces of the torn-up picture of the belt. She and T went outside and she put pieces of the belt into the fire until they were all burned up. She was somewhat scared, but not too badly. They talked about it a little afterward, but mostly she chatted about other things. I guess she needed to be here/present with T and not go back to the bad room. Maybe chatting about other things is her way of doing that. She's fairly distant right now because immediately after that session we left to see T-2, who we are transferring to.

Hope has been very grateful for your support in this so she wanted you to know that she burned the pieces. It was really important that she do that with T-1.

[MoonBeam]

Big heart-felt Wow and yay and good for  you Hope.  NotAlone, please tell her that MoonBeam says that was so brave and so powerful! Thank you for sharing.

I'm sorry NotAlone, I must have missed some posts re T-2.  I did not know transition was happening.  I trust it is a healthy, strong decision and you all feel good about T-2. I'm so glad Hope got to resolve the rupture with T1 and feels safe enough on the other side of it, to hold such an empowering practice with him of letting go and burning the pieces. Very powerful indeed.

[Not Alone]

MoonBeam, Hope is smiling, hearing your words. Thank you.

If you want to catch up on therapist situation:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13080.msg97475#msg97475

NotAlone

[Snowdrop]

Well done Hope!  I'm so glad that you burned the pieces with T-1. That's brilliant and so brave! I'm proud of you.