Hello and thank you

[Sunflower_Rising]

You can't imagine my relief at finding this site and forum. Or, actually, I guess you can.

I grew up in a functionally addicted, mentally ill, narcissistic, physically abusive household. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and began mood stabilizers at 15. I saw many psychiatrists and therapists over the years, had many different diagnoses, took many, many different medications (including antipsychotics), was briefly institutionalized, and was told that I had a genetic disorder that would never get better. I spent many years wishing for my death but unwilling to cause it. I spent many years lost in darkness and without hope.

Through grace, I began to find my way out of that dark place 8 years ago. I realized that my mental illness was a result of emotional pain, not genetics. I took control of my healing, but I didn't truly understand my situation until I found this forum a few days ago. No mental health professional had ever talked to me about childhood abuse or trauma -none had ever even asked the question - and none had ever mentioned PTSD. When I read the description on this site, it all made sense. I did some googling to learn more and stumbled upon a description of narcissistic personality disorder, and another piece of the puzzle fell into place. I hadn't realized I had a narcissistic parent until now.

Over the last 24 hours I've begun to see the behaviors that I display - textbook behaviors for children of abuse and/or narcissists - as coping mechanisms rather than who I am. I have always disliked and wanted to change these behaviors but had no others to substitute for them, and I have hated myself for a long time because I thought they were "me." Now I know that they're just strategies that I developed for survival, and I can develop new strategies. I've found a bit of self compassion and hope. I'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow who, "coincidentally," specializes in PTSD. I made the appointment before I even found this forum - it seems that grace is still on my side.

I am alone and desperately lonely. I want to connect with people but don't know how, and my attempts feel clumsy and childish. All of my relationships are superficial. I have a few friends that I think I could say I love, but none of them even know where I live. I don't really know what love is, but I have guesses. I need to find out, or die trying.

I've chosen the name "Sunflower Rising" because, for me, it's an image of hope, healing, resilience, and divine connection. The sunflower makes the best of things, even when they're bad. It is hardy and grows quickly. It provides many nourishing seeds to those around it, and the number (Fibonacci sequence) reflects the divine magic inherent within all of the universe. It always turns its face to the sunshine and turns its back to darkness. It lives its one life to the fullest and dies without regret.

I want to be a sunflower, but I guess in some ways I already am. So, please call me Sunny.

Thank you for creating, maintaining, and contributing to this community. Thank you for bearing witness and helping me to find answers.  Most of all, thank you for being with me so that I don't have to be alone.

In gratitude,
Sunny

[Snowdrop]

Hi Sunny! I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm glad you found us. I hope it goes well with the new therapist.

[saylor]

Hi Sunny,
I'm so glad you found us. You're where you should be, and please realize you're not alone.
I'm sorry things have been so hard for you. I can relate to much of what you say... For example, I also try to connect with people but mostly just feel like a misfit and sometimes even a pariah. It has caused me largely to flee from society, as I'm so easily hurt and/or triggered. This, of course, results in loneliness and alienation—I'm still human, even if I often don't feel like one...
Your description of the sunflower was beautiful and so apt—it gave me goosebumps

[Kizzie]

I took control of my healing, but I didn't truly understand my situation until I found this forum a few days ago. No mental health professional had ever talked to me about childhood abuse or trauma -none had ever even asked the question - and none had ever mentioned PTSD. When I read the description on this site, it all made sense. I did some googling to learn more and stumbled upon a description of narcissistic personality disorder, and another piece of the puzzle fell into place. I hadn't realized I had a narcissistic parent until now.

I has a similar experience Sunflower, I stumbled onto some info about people with NPD and then CPTSD and boom, it finally all made sense.  It really and truly wasn't me being weak, crazy, defective, overly sensitive..., it was what happened to me - ongoing relational trauma in childhood so no escape from it.

That realization was the point at which true recovery began for me and it sounds like for you now. You're not alone anymore

[gentle rain]

Hello Sunny, and welcome~

I spent many years wishing for my death but unwilling to cause it. I spent many years lost in darkness and without hope. ● I am alone and desperately lonely.

I am so very sorry for your loneliness, as I can very much relate, and for similar reasons. But please know that although you may be physically alone, you are not alone in story or spirit. I found/find comfort in finally discovering people, on this site and others, who have ears that listen, minds that comprehend, hearts that are open, and souls that can relate.

"When we share our story, our sharing can heal us, and our story can heal someone else."

Thank you for sharing yours.
gentle rain

[stellajames]

Hi, Sunny,

I love that you have renamed yourself after one of the most beautiful and hopeful flowers, always turning toward the warmth and brilliance of the sun. When I was little, on rainy days my uncle would pack me into the car with my aunt and grandmother and he'd "drive until he found the sun." And he always did. Then we'd turn around and go home.   He gave me so much joy that my father was incapable of. My user name is Stella, after that grandmother, and James, after my uncle.

I never thought about my father as a narcissist before, but I believe, after reading your post, that he was narcissistic. And an alcoholic. There's no other explanations for his egotistic behavior. Thank you for that, it explains a good deal of his nastiness. I've a lot to say about him, but another post, another time.

I'm happy you're here, too. Bright blessings.

I'm sorry you are lonely. From your post, you seem to be a person who deserves lots of friends. But first we have to work on healing ourselves, I think. I've been very lucky and have some true friends who stick with me and check up on me. You'll find those people here, I believe, and you'll find them outside, too. Just hang in there

[Kizzie]

"When we share our story, our sharing can heal us, and our story can heal someone else."

Truer words ..... 

[Sunflower_Rising]

Thank you so much for the kind welcome. It's been so incredibly comforting to learn that I'm not alone.

It's nice to meet you, too, Snowdrop! Thank you for being the first to welcome me.

I also try to connect with people but mostly just feel like a misfit and sometimes even a pariah.

Thank you, saylor. I'm so sorry that you have a similar experience. You're not alone, either.

I have a "social mask" that works well, and it's generally well liked, but I can't take off the mask. Ever. No one really knows me because I won't let them, and even in a crowd of 50 "friends" I feel empty and unseen. It's different here and in group (Al Anon). I'm trying to learn to bridge the gap so that I can connect meaningfully outside of these safe spaces, too. I'm getting to a point in life where if it's not authentic, it's not worth my time. I don't want to waste any more of my life on meaningless small talk, you know? It's exhausting.

That realization was the point at which true recovery began for me and it sounds like for you now. You're not alone anymore

Thank you so much, Kizzie. That brought tears to my eyes. I've done so much work already, but as I've been learning more I've been a little daunted. All the work I've done is nothing compared to what lies ahead. But I know that it's needed and it'll be worth it, and now I have some models of recovery here and I know it's possible. Thank you.

But please know that although you may be physically alone, you are not alone in story or spirit.

Thank you, gentle rain. Just hearing that helps. It's so nice to have a tribe, even if it's one brought together by mutual suffering. I hope to find healing in giving and receiving the kind of empathy and compassion that I've already witnessed so abundantly here.

Hi, stellajames. I'm so glad that my post brought a good memory for you (so rare for us, it seems). Thank you for sharing, it was beautiful. And I'm glad that you found some additional clarity. The narcissism discovery was a huge lightbulb moment for me, I can tell you.

From your post, you seem to be a person who deserves lots of friends.

Thank you for your kind words. I certainly have never said something like that to myself, but I'm going to practice until I can. I appreciate your encouragement and am looking forward to my time here with all of you.

Thank you all again, both to those who posted and those who didn't. Just knowing that I have a community here has been such a comfort.

Gratefully,
Sunny

[Kizzie]

 

[Northman]

Hello 
Welcome. Just wanted you to know I read your post and your story is heartbraking.

[Not Alone]

Sunny,

Welcome.  You are processing a lot. Glad you found this site. People here understand and they have been a great help and comfort to me.

[Ecowarrior888]

Welcome Sunny,

I am so sorry for everything you have endured. But you are a survivor; you have a lot to process. But what is amazing about this site is it is proof we aren't alone. Though everyone has had different experiences; everyone understands your pain and loneliness. That is why I joined this forum, I felt so alone because I felt no one understood the constant triggers and how debilitating they can be. But I wish you the best and wanted you to know you are not alone.

Ecowarrior <3