Emotional, Psychological Bullying for many years

[Kia1212]

Almost 30 years with this severe malignant narcissistic psychopathic alcoholic ex-husband. My ex was abusive the whole time, but I could never figure it out. He would tell me he adored me, my soul mate, jewelry, gifts, etc., and then turn around and be abusive. He has been my one and only man in my whole life and I am 67 years old. I get sick to my stomach contemplating another relationship.  I have never shut up ever defending myself my whole life. Which is why I think I developed complex PTSD. I have always defended myself all this time, to no avail. Feel like I've been in World War III.

My mother and five siblings were in my life 24/7 literally. I thought that was normal. My ex would argue with me about it and I defended her, ironically. My ex-husband colluded with my mom and siblings to remain in my life, but with the added delight of sadistic emotional, psychological and mental abuses, and mobbing. Which started after I gained weight after my 2nd boy in 1985. The abuses included demeaning, degrading, humiliating, making fun of, mocking, and lots of gaslighting. When I confronted my mom in 1997-98, she and my sisters would say you deserve it, you let yourself go, your fat, and they truly believed this to be true.  or so I demanded an apology and she laughed in my face, I did you a favor, how dare you. She said no one likes you, not even your kids don't like you. My ex and family would tell my toddler boys and my daughter that mommy was very mentally ill, delusional, schizo, and sick.  This was after they were in my house 24/7, using my pool, eating my food, etc. My diabolical ex-husband encouraged my family to demean, humiliate, denigrate, shame and gaslight me. Especially after I gained weight with my second child and was reminded of it every single day. I felt like I was like in Rosemary's Baby, as I was pregnant with my 3rd child, my daughter. The whole experience truly felt evil. My mother told me I thought I was you, *, talk about enmeshment. Even after I divorced my ex I still allowed my mom and family to be in my life, the worst part was the constant denial of any abuses at all. That is when I knew they were psychopaths. I am glad I did this because mainly because I do not want any other nieces or nephews to experience this. Especially the girls, it's a misogynistic family. Good forbid they express gender issues, it will be a nightmare.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Dear Kia1212.

What you went through sounds incredibly painful, I'm so sorry you had to experience that, love.
I am at a loss of words right now. All I want you to know, love, is you're not alone. There are people that care about you, me being one of them.
Your strength to share this is so powerful. You may not feel it right now, but you are so much stronger than what happened to you.
Take Care of Yourself, love.
I am rooting for you.

Love and Light,
S

[Kizzie]

That's a lot to live with Kia and I'm so sorry you suffered such constant and horrendous emotional abuse. Have you stepped back from those members in your family who are still alive and abusive?  I did so in my mid-50's and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I could breathe and think and feel for the first time ever. It was then I realized just how much of my life had been given over to emotional abuse and hoping/wishing for them to change.  They never did and never will and letting go of that last bit of hope let me finally move forward in recovery.

Just my thoughts and experiences of course but hope they may be of some help. 

[Kia1212]

     
Thank you Kizzie and Sunshineandwarmth for your kind welcoming words. It is the first time in my life that I am finally free of my abusers. It feels good and empowering. I am embarrassed that I was brainwashed into believing that family was all, but I recognize that it was my family of origin motto and my mother had a lot of issues herself. She had to control all. I never thought the abuse would leave severe physical ailments, fatigue, exhaustion, dizziness, brain fog. That is what I am trying to work on now. Working with a therapist has helped a lot. I am doing creative things online, jigsaw puzzles, coloring, support groups, scrabble & word games, etc. It helps me to enjoy the day. Fortunately, I am retired now & have the time. But, am looking for part time work to keep my brain busy. Thanks again.

[Kizzie]

Good to hear Kia 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about the hardships you've faced, Kia. That all sounds so exhausting and traumatising. It's a well known fact that negative reinforcement doesn't really work, I would personally argue that any weight gain or physical health issues might have been exacerbated from your family's abuse, and that none of it was from any fault of your own. But that's just my guess from an out-of-context perspective. It feels similar to how my family would shame me into eating more (I was anorexic) but the stress of being shamed would just make me eat less instead. It's a shame how uneducated so many people are about this kind of stuff. Again, sorry to hear of your woes. I hope you're doing alright at the moment.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Kia1212]

yes conveniently uneducated while they torture people. My sister who is 14 months younger than I am couldn't even tell me what abuse was. She is oblivious and very un self-aware to any and all of her abuses. Thank you for your encouragement. It sure is tough healing from this burnout/complex ptsd.