Recent contact with FOO

[Gromit]

I have had some contact with my FOO lately, not instigated by me.
It came about because, although I say I have NC my parents do send my kids stuff for Xmas and birthdays. My kids send 'thank you' cards, and that is it. However, some pretty horrible things happened (DD I got admitted to hospital) and my DS let my parents know in his card to them.
So, then my NM calls home, repeatedly, letting the 'phone ring until someone picks up, making the dog howl etc. My OH was trying to work from home whilst this was going on, as I am in hospital with DD, some distance away. So, I emailed all FOO the same message, call me, not him, he is trying to work, I am where it is all happening.

My BIL sends a response back telling me to never contact him again, I replied, to him, and everyone, 'of course, thank you'.

My NM does not call me, my EnF calls me, when he starts questioning my care of my DD and saying how concerned they are (after not trying to see their grandkids for 10+ years), I put the 'phone down and miss subsequent calls. He wasn't happy that I would not answer his questions but my DD does not want personal details about her treatment passed on to everyone, so I refused to discuss certain things.

I did take a call last week, still from EnF (who my NM would never let speak to me in the past), and he asked what I had done to upset my BIL. Said I didn't know but, I thought and wondered later, why assume that I had done anything? Why not question why my BIL thought it was OK to send such a message to someone whose child is in hospital? Of course, I am the SG, any problem is bound to be my fault.

I send the communications to them all, at the same time because my GC and BIL have mentioned triangulation, they do not want to be included in triangulation. However, my understanding of how triangulation is used in my FOO is that it is a manipulation tool. For example, 'Your dad thinks you should do this....' Although my dad is not there to ask, and my dad does not tell me this directly. Or, 'your sister said you did X and I agree that is a terrible thing'. Or, 'your sister does X, why don't you?'. Their understanding of triangulation is that it is the passing on of information about another person, which is correct too, it is better to get the information directly from the person concerned, however, just passing on factual information without judgement, is not triangulation as I understand it.

I am sure, when we are discharged and things get back to normal the normal level of contact will return. I just wanted to talk about it in a place where it is understood, and maybe it helps to say, you don't have to give information to people just because they ask for it.

G

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I hope DD feels better soon.

you don't have to give information to people just because they ask for it

This ^^^ reminds me of something a friend said to me a few weeks ago. To paraphrase: "Information is a privilege, not a right". It sounds as though your FOO gave up that privilege a long time ago.

I hope things get back to normal soon. Thinking of you.

[Gromit]

Thanks @snowdrop.

Contact with FOO just makes a horrible situation worse, I don't need their games at the moment. Nor their 'expert medical' ignorance.

G

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Gromit     I understand what it's like to be messed around by FOO. Their games are soooo unnecessary, especially when your DD is in hospital.

[Not Alone]

I hope your DD is better soon. Awful that you have the added stress of FOO's garbage.

[Three Roses]

Hoping everything returns to normal soon, and contact with toxic family is reduced! 

[Gromit]

Another couple of calls, with my enF telling me it is very hard, I think he is referring to me being unforthcoming with details. I decide to email them and say that my DD does not wish me to give details of her treatment to anyone she does not know well and that I respect her decision.

This actually gets a response, none of my other emails about her has, apart from calls. However, there is no mention of what I have said.

Frustrating, this is what ended my other attempts at communication with my enF. I felt ignored, as if I did not matter. In this case, neither of our feelings seem to matter to them.

G

[Blueberry]

Sitting with you with that frustration. I know it well too.  May the strength of OOTS be with you!

[Gromit]

Hey,we came home, last Saturday. I emailed FOO, just said DD had been discharged and was home. Did not respond to the replies and, now, nothing since.

Obviously they do not know the details, that this is far from over and that stings, the only support comes from my OH's family plus a couple of chaps in the village who I know from walking my dog.

One has been calling round regularly with his new puppy to let my DD see it. So kind, although my dog is not too happy about it.

However, it does just go to show what matters to them. I also have the knowledge that my NM has been stalking my children online.

I guess it goes to show I have a surrogate dad/granddad here with a puppy 

G

[Blueberry]

 
Support comes in surprising places sometimes. But it is sad when it's not from FOO or that they can't give proper support in a helpful way. I know that well. Sitting with you and hope DD recovers well, even it might still take a while.