I sought to create a safe place

[Pioneer]

It occured to me recently that at times I tried to create a form of health and safety in my family as a kid. I am the oldest kid. And I would sometimes get my younger siblings together and organize and practice a made up skit or play for my parents. I would put a ton of effort into, making a homemade set, maybe cleaning the floor of the garage ahead of time so we could use that space, coming up with an entertaining play and getting us all dressed up and practiced. It would all be done in an afternoon or day, to keep our interest and adrenaline going. And then when everything was ready, we'd call in my NPS and entertain them. And that created a fun form of attention and affection for us all in those brief moments.

Eventually in my teen years I didn't feel safe to do those plays anymore. I don't think I got the same response perhaps. It didn't give me that rush of adrenaline and affection I was looking for.

Years later, I would get somewhat teased (put down in a way I think) for those times where I organized the plays, but I could still tell that there was still a sort of appreciation in them.

I think it is neat that I tried to pull everyone together.

[Armadillo]

This made me smile. That IS neat. You really cared about trying to make a safe joyful place. Are you in touch with your siblings?

[Panda]

I think that was a beautiful thing of you to do! I love it when kids do stuff like that, it shows so much creativity and drive!


And I'm glad you can still appreciate it even if circumstances changed.

[Pioneer]

Thank you Armadillo and Panda! It was a good moment for me recently when I was able to understand what I had been doing as a kid and appreciate it.

I am not able to be in touch with my siblings right now. They are too blinded by the manipulation of my NPs and when we went no contact with my NPs it was soon clear to us that we needed to go NC with my siblings as well. I am learning to be more at peace with that. And the freedom and safety we are learning to function in is really good.

[Armadillo]

I'm really proud of you then 1. For having the strength and self-compassion to go no contact with those who are harmful to you and those around you and 2. For being able to remember and give yourself credit for the love and joy you worked hard to provide them as a kid yourself. I'm just starting to figure out how to put up boundaries without hating and blaming myself and I have a lot to learn from you and others here.

[Not Alone]

I think it is neat that I tried to pull everyone together.

Beautiful, precious, and smart.

[Pioneer]

I'm really proud of you then 1. For having the strength and self-compassion to go no contact with those who are harmful to you and those around you and 2. For being able to remember and give yourself credit for the love and joy you worked hard to provide them as a kid yourself. I'm just starting to figure out how to put up boundaries without hating and blaming myself and I have a lot to learn from you and others here.

Thanks, Armadillo! That means a lot. It has been a tough journey of figuring out that I needed those boundaries and my husband gets a lot of credit for helping me. And as I am just crossing the one year mark of going no contact with my family, I am beginning to show myself more love and self- compassion for those choices. It experienced a lot of self hatred and guilt over the past year, and more intensely than I ever have. But it was worth moving through all that pain. And I am still healing. Give yourself lots of patience as you figure it all out. It has been a long and painful process for me.

[Pioneer]

I think it is neat that I tried to pull everyone together.

Beautiful, precious, and smart.

Aw, thank you notalone!