Learning our value...

[Jazzy]

So, I've encountered some (mostly subconscious) resistance to writing this post. I don't know why, but just a word of warning that it may not turn out as well as I hope.



I've realized that an underlying theme to every relational trauma I've been through is that I've been treated in a way that makes me feel like I'm worthless. Based on what I've read from other people here, it sounds like that's a common theme to relational trauma in general.

Even though a lot of times my NPD M said nice things about me ("I love you", "you're so special"), her actions showed the opposite. There's a saying "a picture is worth 1,000 words".... well, I say that "an action is worth (at least) 1,000 words". It's not just about what somebody says (though, that is important too!), it's about their actions as well. I don't really know the "proper words" to describe this difference, but it's been really key to me.

A crucial part of my healing journey has been to learn my value, and put a stop to people treating me like I'm worthless... not just other people, but primarily myself. "Learning" in the intellectual sense was only the first step (the words part). I needed to change my actions (towards myself) before I really started to improve. I think this is why therapy has limited success in some cases with CPTSD. Talk therapy only covers the "word" part, which is a great start, but the "action" part is critically important. Hopefully a TI therapist (which I've never had) is aware of this, and will have more success than what I experienced in therapy.

It's hard to act like I'm worthwhile when I didn't believe it, so starting with someone else was a good first step for me. I make a point to tell people how important they are to me, and when they do things well. I found it even easier to start with pets than humans. Be cautious with this though, because someone who is not in a good place mentally themselves, may not react well, which in turn may lead to you feeling negative about trying to heal. However, I've found that people in a good place mentally will really appreciate the positivity, and often times even return it.

So, how do we change our actions to help us feel worthwhile? I expect we all connect with some ideas better than others, but here's some of the things I found helpful:

• Affirmations: regularly telling myself (out loud) that I am worthwhile, important, a good person etc.
• Appreciating Positivity: It's so easy to overlook the good things, and focus on the bad. Taking time to appreciate the positives (especially in myself, or things I do) has been really helpful.
• Understanding/Forgiveness: When I can't do something (especially self care), I don't judge myself and feel guilty, but understand there is something blocking me, and working to resolve that blockage.
• Boundaries: Minimize contact with people who don't treat me like I'm worthwhile, and focus my time on those who do.
• Focus: It's important to set good boundaries, but always thinking about them can have negative affects too. I needed to focus on improving myself, not just keeping toxic people away. They need to be "away" in my mind, not just in my physical life.
• Environment: Prettying up and improving my environment (house) with more colour and decorations (flowers, posters etc.)
  
• Physical Self Care: Especially hair (pets: fur) brushing! There's something special about the physical contact.
• Habits/Lifestyle: Slowly reducing habits I didn't like, and increasing habits I did like helped me feel better about myself.
• Eating: I know this is a difficult one, but improving what I ate was a tremendous help to me.

That's all that comes to mind for me right now. What does everyone else think about this topic? I'd like to see some more examples of what people find helpful, if anyone is willing to share.