Handling flashbacks relating to ?shame ?guilt ?anticipated punsihment

[Hope67]

I wasn't sure which place to put this query, but I realised whilst I was watching TV this evening, that I kept getting flashbacks or feeling related to emotions that are connected to feeling 'as if I'd be chastised' or 'told off' or as if I've done something really bad - it's like the feeling you'd get when you're younger, but I find I'm carrying these thoughts/feelings often, and it's like I'm in a waiting room awaiting punishment.  But what for?  For living my life, and trying to be independent of my FOO, for trying to be an adult and live my life.  Yet many parts of me feel as if there is going to be some kind of retribution for living that life, and the punishment is going to happen sooner or later.  I don't like it, and I want to try to escape from that feeling - I tried to get agreement from whatever part of me is communicating these things, to write this here - that part agreed, but even as I write this, I feel another part is very upset, and makes me feel very tearful and scared about writing it here.  But I am writing it, as I would like to hear what others think, and whether people relate to this - and what you've done to try to change it.  Are there things I could do.  I feel like I should ask the part directly what would help - as I know that Snowdrop does that with her parts, and is doing IFS to do that.  But there's a fear in me that I'm not sure what will happen if I ask the part that is feeling this way - so I guess that means it's another part, and not my Self. 

Already this whole paragraph above looks unwieldy and overly long.  But I'm glad I've written it.  Thank you, if you're reading it.  Any thoughts or reflections welcomed. 

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Hope, I've read your post and want you to know you've been heard. 

I do experience this, I think - mine comes in the form of mounting lengthy and detailed defenses for every single mistake, whether large or small - from leaving a light on in a room, to not saying something that I "should have", to hurting someone's feelings. All day, a monologue runs in the background of my consciousness. These days, after beginning to read Richard Schwartz's book on IFS, I've tried to remember to thank this voice rather than resist it and that seems to be the only thing that is diminishing its hold on me. Thanking and speaking to this part for its efforts to keep me safe, telling her she can relax her vigilance on my behalf and that she is free to pursue her own choice of pastime seems to be helping.

[Snowdrop]

My interpretation is that there's a young part that feels like it's been told off for doing something bad, and this part wants to reach you. But there's another part that's in opposition to it that's upset and scared. It sounds as though this part might want to push the told off part away.

I think I would start by asking both parts not to overwhelm you with their emotions, and see if you can get them to agree to that. You can tell them you can pay attention to them without them overwhelming you.

I think I'd then gently get to know the scared part, as it could be a protector. Maybe ask it what its role is, how it's protecting you, how old it thinks you are, that kind of thing. It might not realise that you're an adult with an independent life.

If doing this feels scary, then you're right, that might be another part. I'd say hello to that part, ask it to unblend, not overwhelm you, what its role is etc. And so on for any other parts that show up.

I think the key thing, though, is to listen to yourself and go at the pace that feels right for you.

[Blueberry]

Hope, I want to let you know that I read your post too and that I can also relate. 

I haven't worked with IFS but what Snowdrop writes makes a lot of sense to me.

What is helping me is taking a conscious moment to compare: FOO could punish me back then, but now they can't really. They are playing around with me atm but they don't have much power of me anymore. Since you're NC with your FOO, I think you could probably even say FOO could take retribution then but they can't at all anymore. As Snowdrop says, younger parts of you might not have realised that yet, so it's good to tell them.

[Not Alone]

Hope,
At times I have those feelings too: something bad is going to happen, I'm in trouble, I'm going to "get it," etc. My mind is unclear about details or what has helped. Sorry about that, but wanted you to know that you are not alone in those feelings.

I think TR, S, & BB have given you good advice. I would just emphasize what Snowdrop said about going at a pace that feels right for you.

[arale]

Me Too!  Typically, on Sunday nights, I would feel I've enjoyed myself too much over the weekend and Monday will be the day of reckoning (although I haven't observed that kind of regular work schedule for years by now). Or, each time I have actually enjoyed being in the presence of some family member (my brother or my cousins), I would then be anticipating that something real bad would happen (either a divine intervention, such as a lightning strike or a car crash, but really just a thinly disguised flashback of my mum being jealous of me enjoying being with anybody else). So, you are far from alone.

Everyone has given you really good advice. Here's what I could add from my experience. You said:

I feel another part is very upset, and makes me feel very tearful and scared about writing it here.

At those times, I have found it useful to acknowledge that I am overwhelmed, that I don't have enough access to Self, and take a break from working on the issue on my own. What has been helpful is to get someone (a guide / teacher / therapist) who is grounded in Self to hold the space (they don't always have to actively therapize or even guide; I have found that a steady, reliable, warm presence was what I needed) so that I can unblend from the parts, "borrow" the space offered by their Self so that I can continue facilitating the dialogues with the parts.

[Snowdrop]

I've thought of a couple of other things that might be worth trying.

The first is to say to yourself something like "this is the part who feels scared" or "this is the part who feels guilt". Sometimes acknowledging that it's a part and adding this little bit of distance can help you to unblend from it.

The other thing is that when I started using IFS, I chose a relatively safe and steady part to communicate with first. This helped me to get used to parts so that I could gain experience, build confidence, and start asking the kinds of questions Richard Schwartz suggests.

[Hope67]

Thank you to everyone who has replied here.  I appreciate your replies so much.  I'm going to take my time to consider each and every one of them, as I tried to read them last night, and felt a bit over-whelmed by the part of me that is scared.  I would like to reply to each of you individually at some point - but right now, I'm just going to let your comments and replies sink in, and I will hope to work my way through this at a pace that feels ok to each and every part of myself - I'm not sure how many of them are triggered by this issue - I think there are a few.

Thanks again 
Hope 

[MoonBeam]

Hope, just wanted to say I read your post and I understand. I think you are doing such an amazing job of giving a voice to the parts that need to be heard, to feel acknowledged and loved.

Wanted to send a  if that's ok.

[Hope67]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your replies.  I've managed to find this post again, I'd managed to lose it before, and I've re-read everyone's replies, and I admit I can't take everything in at the moment, as I'm still feeling quite a lot of emotion from having attended the Embodied Trauma Conference, and reading a book as well, which has affected me.

But at least I know where this is now, and I will be returning to re-read and process, and then hopefully to focus on some things people have suggested, as I can see they would be very helpful.

Thank you everyone.
Hope